


time keeps on coming (i'll love you for free)

by signsoflight



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crack, Description Heavy, Drinking, Emotions, F/F, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sharing a Bed, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is STUPID, Unrequited Love, based on several songs, gay idiots, the author sucks at dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-07-25 23:20:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 63,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20034010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signsoflight/pseuds/signsoflight
Summary: Alex had never expected Kelley to mean so much to her, and that realisation within itself caught her off-guard.One of the only things that Alex had ever been sure of was Kelley.Alex had a bad habit of doubting things that she shouldn’t. She doubted her own ability at her lowest moments, she doubted if the people around her loved her like they seemed to, she doubted if she was making the right decision almost every time that she had to make a tough choice.Everyone doubted though. Alex knew that, and she knew that she couldn’t be hard on herself. The one thing that Alex never had cause to overthink or second guess was Kelley. She was the only steady thing in her life, the floating buoy that she clung to in stormy waters.Maybe that should have been a sign from the very beginningora series of out-of-order snippets of Alex Morgan's life and career, and how Kelley O'Hara managed to worm her way into her heart





	1. think i was blind before i met you

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [i've looked at love (from both sides now)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411269) by [WNThitsthelinks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WNThitsthelinks/pseuds/WNThitsthelinks). 

> this is literal trash
> 
> the non-linear thing is fucking hard to write and i super regret it. i've spent too long on this, or more like i've spent too much time drunk as shit trying to write this, not to post it though, so we'll see where it goes. there are also so many inaccuracies in this, so just ignore those lol. i had to try and get everything to fit a certain narrative so. 
> 
> this is entirely due to the fact that i watched the wwc this year, and i've liked the uswnt for a while, despite my unwavering loyalty to england's wnt, and their victory made me emotional. 
> 
> this was partly inspired by 'i've looked at love from both sides now' by wnthitthelinks, but i hopefully put my own spin on it and i apologise for any aspects that are too similar.
> 
> work title taken from time by angelo de augustine

**\-- January 2012 --**

Alex and Kelley met on several occasions before they had to work together; the rivalry between Stanford and Cal meant that the other school’s players normally stuck in their heads, especially when they were frustratingly good players.

Alex only knew the other girl as the Cardinals’ star forward, who could net pretty much anything that reached her foot. Normally it was Stanford’s defenders that stuck in Alex’s mind after the games, rather than their forwards, but watching O’Hara score beautiful goals that she couldn’t have really done anything about adds a whole new level of exasperation to her mood after a tough loss. 

It was hard seeing someone else be so good and not want to enjoy the performance. Alex could only think of that when she wonders why she has such a special interest in O’Hara, despite hardly meeting.

When Kelley O’Hara was announced as the winner of the 2009 Hermann Trophy, the same award that Alex had been shortlisted for, she doesn’t feel that bitter. Sure, it was disappointing, but O’Hara was a year older and had had a record breaking season for Stanford. 

They still had barely exchanged words and didn’t really know each other, but if anyone was going to win that award other than Alex, she didn’t mind it being Kelley O’Hara. Even if the other girl was a Stanford player, of all things. 

That was the same year that O’Hara graduated, and after that, Alex stopped really thinking about the other girl until they both got called up to the National Team. Having mutual friends through Tobin and Syd, the two of them knew each other better by the time that they both subbed in during the March 2010 friendly against Mexico.

Playing with the other girl made the fascination wear off a little, as she became more familiar with O’Hara as a person and a player, but Alex still wouldn’t call Kelley a friend. 

She was shocked, however, when O’Hara didn’t make the roster for the World Cup in 2011. They had both been on the team for the Four Nations but neither played much. Alex was elated to have made the roster for the World Cup, but O’Hara’s absence was a shock to her. The USA was fortunate to make it to the World Cup at all, only qualifying after beating Italy in a play-off.

When Tarpley tore her ACL, she wasn’t surprised that Kelley’s name was announced as her replacement. She couldn’t think of anyone more deserving, or more suited to the World Cup team.

Alex came on as a sub in two of the group games, not scoring in either. Kelley only came on in the game against Sweden, which they lost. Alex finally scored in the semi-final against France, and in the final against Japan.

Her elation at finally excelling on the international stage was quashed entirely by the pain of losing to Japan in the final. The sting of only getting second place, and the emptiness of a silver medal embitters Alex to the whole experience, and she doesn’t think of Kelley again for a long time. That meant Kelley O’Hara’s presence was an unknown when she walks into the training camp for the 2012 CONCACAF tournament — their ticket to the Olympics. 

The USA had a chip on their shoulder and a point to prove, having lost to Japan in the World Cup that none of them liked to dwell on. Following their defeat, Alex knew that they had all put in that extra work as individuals to make sure that they would be fitter, quicker, better than they had been last year. Now, at this camp, it was time to put in the work as a team, to help secure their place on the Olympic roster, and in history. 

The furthest thing from her mind should have been Kelley O’Hara. They had talked and gotten to know each other the year before, a product of Kelley and Tobin knowing each other as teenagers. It wasn’t like they were best friends, or enemies. Alex was apathetic, and should have remained so. Besides, Alex had more important things to talk about. Whilst she had played a little in the 2011 World Cup, she was all too well aware of how tentative her position on the roster was, and if she wanted to become a staple member of the team, she had to step up and show what she was made of. Alex felt nervous about the camp as it was a test for this, and a terrifying obstacle. 

But for some strange reason, from the first time that she locked eyes with Kelley O’Hara in the lobby of their hotel, Alex couldn’t get the other girl out of her head, rather than thinking about proving herself. The universe continued to be conspiring against her when the coaching staff announced who would be paired together as roommates for the camp, and Kelley’s name was called right after her own. Alex figured that this would be a good opportunity to let go of whatever it was that seemed to draw her to Kelley, or cement a friendship with the other girl. Either way, she was determined to rid herself of the strange sense of being in limbo, caught off-guard. 

The girl appeared by her side even as Alex thought about her, startling her slightly. ‘Hey!’ Alex felt herself wilt a little at the excitement and pep in her tone — it had been a long journey and she wasn’t in the mood to deal with someone overly excited when it was time to get down to business. 

‘Hi.’ She smiled wanly at the other girl, but Kelley’s smile didn’t falter at all. 

‘It’s good to see you again, Morgan. I’m excited to play with you.’ There was a glint of determination in the other girl’s eyes that didn’t fit in with the rest of her demeanor. ‘I’m not gonna give you an easy time, though.’ 

There was a teasing lilt to the statement, and then it hit Alex what the other girl meant. Kelley was a forward too, and seeing as Alex had been called up to the 2011 Olympics as part of the standard roster whereas Kelley was brought in for Tarpley, she saw Alex as competition for a spot. 

Kelley’s voice might have been teasing but she got the sense that the other girl meant every word. 

Alex smirked. ‘Good to know.’

The two of them continued to their room in silence, but Alex felt she had a better understanding already of the girl that had always confused her slightly. They had settled in their hotel room already when Alex decided to let slip her thoughts. 

‘I remember playing against you in college, you know?’ She said, looking up at the ceiling rather than the other girl as she lay spread out on her bed, enjoying the comfort of hotel bedding.

Kelley’s head shot up from where she had been knelt by the suitcase she had lugged to the corner of the room. ‘What? Really?’

‘Yeah.’ Alex nodded sheepishly, a blush covering her cheeks now despite the fact that it had been her who brought this up. ‘You were always really good, and you made some shots that I never would have even dreamed of taking.’ She turned her to look at Kelley as she spoke, hoping to make the words seem more genuine.

The other girl seemed stumped for a moment before a grin slowly made its way across her face. ‘You mean _the_ Alex Morgan, the National Team’s up and coming star, remembers little old me?’

‘Shut up, asshole.’ Alex grumbled as she sat up and threw a pillow at the other girl. ‘I was trying to say that I’ve hated you since then, but whatever.’

Kelley laughed, a loud, free, sound and Alex stopped for a moment and just looked at the other girl. She had her mouth open, eyes squinted shut and a grin on her face even as she laughed. ‘Nah, you’ve let your admiration slip now, Morgan. Am I like your hero or something?’

‘You’re definitely something.’ Alex raised an eyebrow as she spoke, trying to make it clear that she was insulting the other girl, despite her statement having no bite behind it. 

‘I’m gonna take that as another compliment. It’s always good to meet a fan, Alex.’

‘If I knew you were going to be such a dick about it, I wouldn’t have said it. I remember playing against Tobin too, and that other Stanford forward who was so good.’

‘Press?’ Kelley suggest, eyebrow raised.

‘Yeah, I think so. She was awesome in college.’

Kelley nodded, a smile on her face. ‘Yeah, she was a year younger than me, but I think she still holds the record at Stanford. She won the Hermann the year after me too.’

Alex laughed, nostalgia rising in her chest at the thought of college again. ‘Goddamn, I hated you for that thing. You won it in 2009, didn’t you?’

The other girl nodded. ‘You were up for it too, weren’t you?’

‘Yeah.’ Alex shook her head at the memory. ‘I’m still bitter, to be honest. You had an incredible season in 2009, I remember.’

Kelley blushed slightly, something that Alex hadn’t been expecting from the forward who had exuded confidence thus far. ‘I guess. I mean, I know I teased, but I remembered you from college too. And some training camps for U-20 in 2006, but you hurt your ACL then, right?’

Alex made a face, a flash of the memory of pain sparking through her knee. Kelley’s expression morphed into something resembling an apology, and Alex nodded, both in confirmation, and acceptance of Kelley’s unspoken words. ‘Yeah, but I recovered in the end.’

Kelley snorted. ‘I think you more than recovered, Ms Superstar.’

Alex stuck her tongue out at the other girl in an, admittedly immature, retort. ‘You’re just jealous, O’Hara.’

She held her hands up in defeat. ‘Yep, you caught me!’ 

The two of them laughed, a much easier atmosphere in the room now. Alex smiled despite herself, and knew that things were shaping up to be a good camp — she was in a good condition, felt confident in her soccer, and she didn’t hate her roommate.

Praise Jesus. That could have gone far worse. 

\--

Camp went well, and Alex felt prepared and ready for the tournament. CONCACAF was normally something that the USA succeeded at pretty consistently, so Alex was hoping to maximise any playing time that she got to show the coaching team that she would be able to deliver if they put on the roster for the Olympics. 

It had been good to bond a little with Kelley, and she now felt a lot more comfortable with the other girl — a good thing, considering that Tobin and Syd loved the other girl, and so did Cheney. 

Tobin slid into the aisle seat next to her on the bus to their first game of the tournament, just as she always did — Alex’s blossoming friendship with Kelley didn’t change that, despite the pout fixed to the other girl’s face when she walked past. Tobin and her had been bus buddies since they met — Alex with the window and Tobin in the aisle. She would feel weird sitting next to anyone else.

‘Ready for today?’ Tobin seemed a little more excited than normal, which was hard to discern given the other girl’s general demeanor. 

Alex shrugged. She wasn’t starting so she didn’t feel too much pressure, but she did feel that familiar yearning inside of her to be on the pitch the whole game, to get the full 90. ‘Are you?’

Tobin plastered on her usual smirk and Alex didn’t even have to hear the answer before she was laughing at the other girl’s confidence, despite it being earned. ‘Of course you are.’ The other girl shrugged knowingly, not bothering to deny it. 

‘Wanna play some Pictionary?’ Tobin pulled out a travel version of the game from her bag, a part of their pre-game travel ritual. ‘I wanted to try something new.’ 

Seeing as it was just the two of them, they changed the set up slightly with the guesser earning two points for a right answer and the person getting them to answer got one point for the right answer. That way there would be no purposefully bad clues. 

Alex agreed to the modified rules, and then proceeded to spend the whole time cheating her ass off, with Kelley mouthing the answers to her from her place in the row across from Tobin. She had to work hard not to laugh the first time that Kelley did it, not expecting but welcoming the extra help. 

Alex won the game pretty easily, with the truly challenge being not bursting out laughing at the confused expression plastered across Tobin’s face when she answered ridiculously quickly and the victorious and mischievous smile on Kelley’s face. 

The rest of the players around them had caught on to what they were doing, and several of them laughed every time, but Tobin still didn’t get it. 

‘How were you so good at that game?’ She asked bemused.

Fighting a smile, Alex shrugged. ‘I’m from a competitive family. We play shit like this all the time. I guess I’m just used to it.’

Tobin looked at her suspiciously. ‘You’ve never been that good at stuff before. You always end up cheating.’ At that, the truth finally dawned on the other girl as a wide smile spread across Alex’s face. ‘You asshole! Fuck you!’

The rest of the bus laughed along with them whilst Tobin pouted and argued that the title of champion should be stripped from Alex.

Making eye contact with Kelley, Alex mouthed her thanks for the help. Kelley winked with a smile, before turning back to Allie. 

Alex tried to ignore the flutter of her heart in her chest, putting it down to nerves before the game, and basked in the contentment that she felt with the team. 

Things were going good.

Their first game in the tournament quickly changed Alex’s mind about that. They were playing the Dominican Republic and it was an easy win for the team. Just not for her. 

She started the game on the bench, and that was frustrating within itself but she didn’t blame Pia — the rest of the forwards were doing brilliantly in practice and it was about whatever the coach thought was best.

The team was 7-0 up near half time and Alex knew that this was in the bag already. But that wasn’t the point with a team like this — the point was making a statement for the rest of the competition, and for the Olympics, that the USA was in this to win, that they meant business. 

Then Ali went down in the 40th minute after a tackle, and she stayed down. The whole stadium, despite being in Canada, USA’s rivals, held its breath — no one liked to see a player seriously injured. Ali’s cries were the only thing that filled Alex’s ears even from the sideline. 

She wasn’t aware that she was clutching Kelley’s hand, next to her on the sub bench, quite as hard as she was until the other girl squeezed back. Alex knew that their worry was shared, but they couldn’t rush onto the field like they wanted to. 

‘Do you think she’ll be alright?’ Kelley’s voice was taut with nerves. 

‘It looks like her knee. If it’s her ACL, it could be pretty bad.’ Alex knew that Kelley already knew this, but she said it anyway. The reality of this injury was unbelievable to her as well, but they had to have realistic expectations — even if it wasn’t torn, an ACL injury could put Kriegs out of the tournament. 

Looking at Ali on the ground, and the mood of the teammates surrounding her, Alex knew that they didn’t have to wait for the MRI tomorrow, though they would all hope and pray anyway. She knew that they would get the bad news anyway. 

Ali had torn her ACL. 

In the locker room at half time, Alex had never felt so tense. Every single member of the team was on edge, and she could feel the determination and frustration grow. The score didn’t matter — they had beaten Guatemala already. 

This wasn’t about the competition anymore. This was about Ali.

So, when Alex came on in the second half for Abby, she couldn’t wait to get the opportunity to add to that score and begin the futile attempt of trying to honour Ali. A-Rod came on with her for Tobin, and she saw the same flash of determination in her eyes that Alex knew was painted across her own face. 

A-Rod scored 5 goals, but no matter what, Alex didn’t net one. Against a team like the Dominican Republic, she found that knocking her confidence. She knew it was a selfish way to look at things, but she couldn’t help the flashes of frustration that she felt. 

The game ended at 14-0, which she was pretty sure was some sort of record. Alex hadn’t scored at all, and Ali still couldn’t speak through the pain.

Two days later she came on for Cheney against Guatemala. Syd had been playing brilliantly, showing up all the Canadians as she so loved to do, and had scored four goals by the time that Alex finally managed to get one in the net herself. 

In her chest, she felt the flutters of anxiety and insecurity calm slightly. She had to make the most of this chance to prove herself on the international stage, and she had to do this for Ali, for the team. For everyone.

\--

Knowing that they were through to the semi-finals helped Alex’s nerves settle, as did looking at how calm all of the veterans were about the tournament — †his was routine and easy for them. But Alex was still working on making a name for herself and establishing with the coaches that she could be player who was reliable and consistent with goals and chances. 

She had been the youngest player on the USWNT in the 2011 World Cup, first scoring in the semi-final against France. Her performance in the subsequent final, even as a sub, had gained her some attention, but Alex had yet to show Pia and the rest of the coaches what she could do. She ached to be a part of this team, to be a part of something bigger than anything else she had ever participated in. 

That meant playing better than she had thus far. 

‘Hey, Al?’ 

Kelley’s voice broke Alex out of her train of thought, and she suddenly realised that she was pacing silently in the middle of the room. She turned to where Kelley was languishing on her bed, tilting her head questioningly. 

‘Wanna explore?’

‘What?’

Kelley shrugged. ‘We’re in Vancouver. It’s supposed to be a cool city, but we haven’t seen much of it. The semis are in 3 days, and we’ve got the night off from team activities. Why not?’

Alex hadn’t even considered doing something like this. She was supposed to be focusing on making sure that she would be in the right condition for the semi-finals, and proving to the coaches what sort of player she wanted to be. But Kelley, who she had grown closer with, despite her own fraught temper and frustrations at times, was looking at her so pleadingly that Alex couldn’t find it within herself to refuse. 

Besides, this would be a good opportunity to get closer to Kelley.

‘Alright, but not for too long. Are we allowed to get dinner out rather than with the team?’

Kelley nodded as she leapt off the bed to grab a jacket and shoes. ‘Yeah, staff will be chill as long as we stick to our diets.’ Alex made a face at the reminder of their strict regime during tournaments and Kelley laughed at her obvious distaste.

‘Dawn is the bane of my life.’ Alex grumbled as she pulled on her own jacket and shoes and the two of them headed out of the hotel room and into the elevator. 

The sun was low in the Vancouver sky thanks to it being the middle of January. Alex shivered slightly as they stepped out into the cold, which Kelley didn’t let slide. ‘You’re such a Californian.’ She rolled her eyes, despite pulling her own jacket closer around her. 

‘Like you can criticise, Ms Georgia Peach.’ Alex retorted easily, shoving Kelley slightly. 

Kelley laughed, and Alex was surprised to find herself caught off guard slightly by the noise. It was loud and boisterous, just like Kelley was in everything else, but the sound was so unique to the girl beside her that it hit Alex a little differently than she expected. 

‘So, O’Hara, where to?’

‘Well, Morgan, on this date of ours, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the science museum.’ 

Alex blanched at the other girl calling this a date, as well as suggesting that they should go to a museum. But when she looked at Kelley out of the corner of her eye, the other girl seemed so hopeful about going that Alex got the sense that she had been waiting awhile to get the chance to see this museum. So, rather than protest she nodded her head hesitantly.

‘You’d be lucky to land me as a date.’

Kelley laughed. ‘Yeah, probably. Is that a yes to science though?’

‘As long as you explain everything to me — my degree is in political economy, not science.’

The other girl made a face of disgust. ‘How could you stand doing that degree for three years?’

‘I graduated a semester early, but the degree was interesting! I just didn’t go to college for school, in all honesty. I went for soccer.’

‘Didn’t we all.’ Kelley chuckled. ‘I did science, tech, and society though. Specialised in environmental engineering.’

Alex tilted her head. ‘I have no idea what that is, to be honest, Kell. Is that what you would want to do if you weren’t in soccer?’

Kelley nodded. ‘The plan once I’m old and broken is either to coach or to do something with my degree.’ The mention of retiring was so offhand and flippant that Alex almost could have missed it, but it struck a chord in her. 

She was only 22, and Kelley was 23 — soccer had been her whole life, and though she knew that she wouldn’t last forever, it was odd to think about doing anything other than playing. Even the idea of coaching was weird — so close to being in the match but so distant as well. 

Alex didn’t want to think about not being in soccer. Retirement was a terrible thought, but it was also the best case scenario — injuries could be frequent and devastating. She could end up paralysed and wheelchair bound if just one thing went awry on the pitch. 

A soccer career was a fleeting and fragile one. 

‘So, what’s so great about this museum anyway?’ Alex asked, keen to get her mind away from where it had wandered. 

‘Every museum is great you uncultured swine.’

The easy banter that Kelley and Alex had established took some of the weight off of her shoulders — she hadn’t realised how tense she had been the past few days. Ali’s injury had made the whole team aware of how important this all was, and the subject of replacing her had been well-avoided, not in the least because Alex was pretty sure that Ashlyn would murder anyone who even implied Ali was replacable at all. 

‘Alright, sorry.’ Alex surrendered jokingly, but Kelley didn’t laugh. That same lightness that always surrounded the other girl was noticeably absent, despite the laughs and smiles. ‘Hey, what’s up?’ She asked, her tone gentle.

‘I had a meeting with Pia today.’ The soft words sent panic jolting through Alex. A meeting with the coaches could go one of two very different ways. ‘They want to convert me.’

Silence hung in the air for a good minute before Alex finally stammered out, ‘What?’

‘They want me to be a converted outside back. To play whilst Ali is out.’

Alex wasn’t sure what to say, and felt the weight of an expected response on her chest. Eventually she comes out with, ‘Have you ever played back before?’

Kelley laughed but it was strained as she shook her head. ‘Nope. And they want me ready for the Olympics.’

‘Holy shit.’ Alex didn’t really know what else to say. 

Kelley just nodded. ‘I know.’

The pressure that Alex felt to deliver at this level was immense and that was at the position she’s been playing her whole life. The staff were asking for something entirely different from Kelley — an Olympic level performance at a position that she had to learn in a handful of weeks. 

‘If anyone can do it, it’ll be you.’ Alex surprises both herself and Kelley with those words, but she finds herself meaning them anyway, and continues, ‘Kell, if they didn’t think you could, they wouldn’t ask you to do it. Plus, you’re incredibly fast and strong with physicality. You’ve got the resilience and agility for defense but you can run past any opposing defender up the flank when needed.’ Alex explains her reasoning, but Kelley still looks doubtful. 

‘Yeah, but defense is an entirely new way of playing and thinking.’

Alex shrugged. ‘True, but Broon and the rest of the backline are gonna be there to help you. The point is that you have the capacity for it, which I don't think anyone else does.’

Kelley looked at Alex with poorly concealed surprise in her expression, but there was something else there in her eyes too. Alex felt herself blush under Kelley’s gaze. ‘What?’

‘It’s just, uh, weird to hear someone like you saying that about me.’ Kelley explained, red-faced and sheepish.

Alex raised an eyebrow. ‘Huh?’

‘Dude, you cannot tell me you don’t realise how good you are. You’ve been incredible ever since we first played each other in college and you’ve only improved. You’re kind of amazing, Al.’

A feeling of _something_ fluttered in Alex’s chest, but she didn’t give herself the time or space to evaluate it. It was just a natural reaction to praise, especially from someone she admired in their own right. 

‘Let’s go find this museum, then.’ Alex said, looking away and determinedly not thinking about why her cheeks were still red and flustered. Kelley chuckled and nodded, and the two of them set out through Vancouver, pointedly ignoring the way that their hands brushed every now and then.

Alex also very emphatically shoved the flutters that her heart suffered from the very back of her mind. Maybe she needed to speak to Dawn or one of the trainers about that — didn’t want to have a health problem, did she?

**\-- May 2013 --**

‘Okay, ready? Go!’

At the coach’s whistle, the line of players set off, breathing hard and pumping their legs as fast as they could. Sprints were always the words, but at least they weren’t doing the beep test — there was nothing that Alex hated more on this earth than the beep test. 

She was pretty sure that it was an agent of Satan.

Out of all the players of her line, Alex reached the other side as one of the first, though she couldn’t beat Sinclair. Panting, she leaned over, balancing her forearms on her knee and taking deep gulps of air. She wanted nothing more than to drain her whole water bottle but she knew that would be a bad idea — conditioning wasn’t done yet.

Tobin sent her a flash of a smile as she made her way over, having done her sprints with the last group. ‘I think you almost had Sinc there.’

‘No, she didn’t,’ Chrstine called over with a mock frown. LeBlanc laughed.

‘Sinc runs sprints in her sleep. You’ll never win.’ Said player winked at Alex, much to the amusement of Tobin.

Alex huffed. ‘Believe it or not, I wasn’t trying to beat Sinclair.’

‘Oh?’ Tobin raised an eyebrow, grin on her face. ‘What was your goal then, because I think I saw you glaring when she won?’

‘To not throw up.’ Alex deadpanned, with Sinclair and LeBlanc, who had made their way over, laughing. 

Tobin chuckled. ‘A noble aim, Al. But you can do better.’

‘Heath, stop chatting shit.’ Long called over as she walked up to the little group. 

‘I’m not chatting any shit.’ Tobin claimed, putting her hands up as a show of innocence. Her claims were undermined by her wicked smirk as she turned to Alex. ‘I just don’t think that she could beat me at sprints.’

Alex narrowed her eyes at the challenge as everyone else dramatically gasped. ‘Give me like 2 minutes, Heath, and you’re dead.’

‘Big talk, but you’re gonna lose, Morgan.’

‘Bets?’ Long asked, innocent expression not fooling anyone.

Tobin smirked. ‘If I win, Alex owes me 5 drinks of my choosing, whenever.’

Alex scowled. ‘Same goes for if I win.’

Rather than intervene in the rather childish challenge that seemed to be emerging, Cindy and John, their coaches, watched from the sideline, wry smiles on their faces, but clipboards in hands. 

Alex got the distinct sense that they’d be paying attention to the results of this little competition. That meant that more than her pride was on the line now. 

‘Alright, Tobs. Come on, then.’ She played up rolling her eyes, as if she didn’t even consider Tobin a threat. A confident smirk appeared on her opponent’s face, and Alex steeled her nerves, as well as her stomach. 

She wanted to have her dignity intact both through victory and through not throwing up on the field. 

‘Sinc, as Cap, you’re judge.’ Tobin called out, and the Canadian nodded, laughing. 

‘Fine, but Alex has to promise not to beat me up if you win. She scares me.’

Alex plastered a sharp smirk across her face. ‘You should be scared, Sinc. Remember that when you’re judging this. Also remember that I know where you live.’

The team laughed at the mock threat as Sinc pretended to hide behind LeBlanc. By now, they had the attention of the whole squad, and Alex knew that it was go time. 

She focused on their goal — the end line — as Sinc raised her fingers to her mouth and let out a piercing whistle. On cue, her and Tobin exploded forwards from the line, with Alex pushing her legs as hard as she could. 

Fire burned in her lungs and chest as she took a slight lead, her height and leg length helping her out. Tobin was right behind her though, and the other woman had enviable speed and stamina so Alex knew that she wasn’t safe. 

Pushing all the way, she didn’t slow down at all as she crossed the end line, choosing instead to collide roughly with the boards in order to ensure that she kept a high speed the whole time. 

She knew that it was close, with Tobin at her elbow the whole way, but she was pretty sure that she had eked out a win, as her chest heaved and sweat poured down her face. 

Running a hand across her face, she made her way towards where the team was gathered, Tobin at her side. The other girl was protesting and claiming that she had won before Sinc even made the announcement, which was how Alex knew that her victory was secure. 

‘Sorry, Tobs, but Alex definitely won.’ Christine made an apologetic face at Tobin, before high fiving Alex.

‘If you can do that straight after the sprint drill, you need to push harder in practice, Morgan.’ The shout from Cindy made Alex’s cheeks erupt with red from more than just exertion, and the rest of the team laughed good-naturedly. 

‘Sorry, coach.’ Alex called back sheepishly. Before she could move to grab her towel and bottle, several players snuck up in her and dumped ice cold water over her head, the temperature sending a shock down Alex’s spine. 

Long cackled victoriously as she screamed. ‘Fuck you, Allie!’

The other girl paid no heed as she ran to the locker room, practice devolving too much for anything else to be accomplished and the coaches gave the nod to everyone else to leave. 

Tobin laughed good-naturedly as she slung an arm across Alex’s aching shoulders. ‘Well done, Morgan, but I’ll beat you next time.’

‘Who cares about that, Tobs? You owe me many, many drinks.’ Alex crowed, teasing the other player. ‘We’re never doing this again.’

As the team laughed and joked as they proceeded into the locker room, abuzz with conversation and rowdiness, Alex felt a sense of satisfaction in her chest. The NWSL was working out for them, and she was happy here in Portland. The team was solid and she liked everyone well enough. 

This professional opportunity was everything that they had all been hoping for for so long. Alex couldn’t help but feel like it had all worked out rather well.

\--

Playing against Kelley was now an unfamiliar concept to Alex. Sure, they had been opponents back in college, but that felt millennia ago after growing used to having Kelley at her back. 

Alex was decked out in her new red Portland Thorns FC kit, but she had to admit that Kelley looked great in her Sky Blue FC strip. Seeing Kelley again brought back sweet memories of their time in LA together, and Alex couldn't keep the smile off of her face when she reminisced. Sure, Portland was great, but LA with Kelley had been perfect. There had been an ache in her chest the whole first month in Portland, something that she could only attribute to missing Kelley in a way that screamed of co-dependancy. The other girl caught Alex’s gaze, smirking wickedly, before turning away. Internally, she groaned. Knowing Kelley, she would make this match as difficult as possible for her.

Sure enough, Alex could finish a single one of her shots properly. She got a team-high 5 shots of, 2 on goal, but not a single one found itself in the back of the net. Sin got a couple good shots too, but she couldn’t score either — the tight defense was aggravating, and Alex could feel that familiar frustration rise in her chest as Kelley smiled smugly at her.

New Jersey got their fair share of shots off too, with LeBlanc pulling out some show-stopping saves to keep the score at 0-0 till Lytle scored off a free kick, 25 yards out.

To be fair to the opposition, that was a good goal, but Alex felt the bitterness in her throat as they kept pushing, desperately trying to find that equalising goal. Around the 90th minute, she got a shot that she thought might finally even up the score, but Cameron managed to save it. Similarly frustrating was her header in stoppage time that went wide. 

Alex felt the keen and sharp flash of disappointment in her chest as the final whistle blew, despite knowing that she had done everything that she could. It was their first loss of the season, and despite the sting that accompanied that knowledge, Alex couldn’t help but be comforted in the fact that they were at least beaten by Kelley, the other girl’s face glowing with satisfaction, but sympathy still radiating through as she approached Alx. 

‘Good game.’ She said, nodding firmly as she reached for her hand in an attempt to shake it.

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Alex chuckled, pulling Kelley in for a sweaty hug, the other girl squirming as she laughed. ‘Easy for you to say.’ Kelley shoved her away, joy painted across her face. ‘Y’all need to watch it with the fouls though,’ Alex jokingly warned, ‘I’m pretty sure half my team is walking away scarred.’

Kelley winced. ‘Yeah, sorry. No hard feelings?’

‘None.’ Alex smiled, patting Kelley’s shoulder. ‘You played well. Still tearing it up as a defender, I see?’

‘Yeah, well, what works works, you know?’

‘Fair enough.’ Alex laughed, before making an apologetic face. ‘I should probably go now, though. You free tonight?’

Kelley frowned. ‘Nah, we’ve been curfewed.’

Alex made a face. ‘Shit, man.’ 

‘Yeah, it sucks. I was really looking forward to seeing you.’

She hummed in agreement, not thinking about the ache in her chest that finally disappeared when she saw Kelley’s face that evening. ‘Well, we’ll meet again next month, and, meanwhile, keep in touch, yeah?’

Kelley nodded vigorously before shoving Alex in the shoulder jokingly. ‘Go on now, star forward. Go to your team. I’ll text you later.’ Alex mock saluted before turning away as she laughed. Jogging back to her team and the locker room, she missed the wistful expression on Kelley’s face. She missed the way that Kelley frowned at her feet as she turned away herself, finally heeding the calls of her teammates. She missed the way that Kelley rubbed at her chest, like Alex had done so many times in confusion when she thought of the other girl, wondering why it hurt her heart to picture the girl.

She missed all of that. 

Maybe if she hadn’t things would end up being far simpler. But she did. 

\-- 

‘Kell, what’s up?’ Concern coloured her voice when she accepted the FaceTime call and Kelley’s face appeared, red and blotchy. Alex felt her heart break when she saw how upset her friend looked. 

‘Uh, in today’s match, I, uh, hurt my ankle.’ Kelley struggled to get the words out, frustration and pain noticeable on her face even through Alex’s pixelated phone screen. ‘I thought that it was just a roll at first, and I kept playing all right, but the pain hasn’t faded at all. It’s way too swollen to be a twist or roll.

Alex felt her heart leap into her mouth. ‘How bad, Kelley?’ 

The other girl finally looked her in the eyes and shook her head. ‘I’m not sure, Al. I’m going to go the trainers and get their opinion, but if it gets worse I don’t know what else I can do.’ Tears were forming in Kelley’s eyes, and Alex had never felt so helpless. 

She was across the country, watching her friend struggle, and there was nothing that she could do. They spent the rest of the night talking, Alex trying everything she could think of to distract Kelley.

In this career, their bodies were everything — any possible injury could turn into something far worse. An injury meant time out, meant missed opportunities, meant working as hard as possible to get back to the same level. It was too easy to slip.

It was only two weeks later when Kelley FaceTimed again near tears. Alex had been able to tell that her friend had been pretending to be okay, but this call revealed just how bad things were. 

‘It’s not healing, Al.’ Was how Kelley began, grief and distress painted all across her face. ‘Something’s seriously wrong with my ankle.’

Those words were all it took for panic to shoot through Alex all over again. Their bodies defined their whole careers, and this wasn’t a good turn of events for Kelley. The other girl wasn’t done though. After explaining a little more about what various doctors and trainers had told her, she stopped for a second, not meeting Alex’s eyes as she stared at her hands.

‘I’ve decided to get reconstructive surgery.’ Kelley said after taking a deep breath. She finally looked at Alex through the screen, and she almost lost her breath from the pain visible on Kelley’s face. ‘I have to, Al. This is the only way.’

‘Kelley.’ Alex breathed. ‘You might not come back from that.’

On the screen, Kelley took a breath and nodded. ‘I know.’

‘And you want to take the risk? You’re sure?’

Kelley nodded again. ‘I’m sure. This is what I have to do to stay in soccer. It gives me at least a chance.’

‘Then I support you 100%, Kell.’ Alex said softly, and wished that her friend didn’t look as surprised as she did. ‘What,’ she continued, ‘did you think that I wouldn’t?’

‘I wasn’t sure.’ Kelley looked sheepish, but a smile finally made its way onto her face, and Alex knew that she would do anything to make sure that Kelley never looked so low again. 

That's what friends are supposed to do, right?

Alex let silence hang between them for a moment before she looked up and dead into Kelley’s eyes through the screen. ‘So, when can I come see you?’

Her friend sputters for a while in surprise before laughing. ‘Whenever you’re free. I’m not going anywhere.’ The smile slips off of Kelley’s face for barely a moment, but Alex hated it more than she thought possible. 

‘So, you’re saying I can come next week?’

Kelley gaped at her for a moment before frowning and shaking her head. ‘Alex, it’s the middle of the season. Don’t be dumb.’

She frowned. ‘I’m not. I can get out to see you and be back in time for my match. I’ll organise to miss practice. I can be there for three days, probably?’ Disregarding Kelley’s protests, Alex starts thinking it over in her head. She could definitely convince them to let her miss a day of practice so she could be there for three days, for sure. Plus, they were facing the Chicago Red Stars, who they had beaten twice this season — if she cited family emergency, the coaches would let her off just this once. 

‘Come on, Alex. You don’t have to come out to see me.’

Alex shook her head, scoffing at the ridiculousness of Kelley’s protest. ‘Of course I do. It won’t be for long, because I have a match that weekend so I’ll have to be back in time for that and the last training session of the week, but I reckon the coaches will let me leave if I say its a family emergency.’

‘But it isn’t!’

A beat passed before Alex softly said, ‘Yes, it is, Kell. Come on.’

The other girl didn’t have anything to say after that. 

\--

Alex managed to worm her way out of training with several promises to the coaches to make up the time, and a big fat lie about an aunt in hospital. She felt a little guilty about it, but she wasn’t just going to let Kelley wallow in her misery in New Jersey. 

She boarded a plane in Portland, satisfied in the knowledge that she would see Kelley soon. Tobin was the only person on the team, as Kelley’s friend as well, that knew that she was actually going to New Jersey. 

The response that she had been given wasn’t the one that she had expected. 

From someone like Tobin, who gave soccer her all every day, she was expecting some disapproval, but instead, she got a raised eyebrow, appraising look and a nod. ‘Fair enough. Tell Kel I said hi and that she needs to text back quicker.’

The reaction itself being surprising enough, Alex definitely hadn’t expected what had followed. Tobin had called out after her, just as she was leaving the room. ‘Hey, uh, why are you going out to see Kelley?’

She had given her friend an odd look. ‘Why wouldn’t I? It’s Kelley.’

Tobin had sighed, running a hand through her hair. ‘Yeah, but, that isn’t something that most people just do for a friend.’

‘Yeah, but this is something she’s really struggling with. What else am I supposed to do?’

Tobin had shrugged, not meeting Alex’s eyes. ‘I just think that you need to do some reflecting, Al. Maybe pay some attention to how you actually feel about Kelley.’

She had blanched at what Tobin seemed to be implying, but the tentative words were yet to leave Alex’s head, repeated through her thoughts in a never-ending torturous loop. 

There was no way that she liked Kelley — Tobin was being ridiculous. 

Still, she couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact, as she looked out of the airplane window, that she wouldn’t really do this for anyone else. But that surely just made Kelley her best friend, right? It didn’t have to be anything grander and deeper than that. 

She sighed and settled in the airplane seat, thoughts running in loops and circles. 

\--

The amount of relief that she felt once she was reunited with Kelley was astonishing, and almost worrying. Codependency was terrifying, but Alex couldn’t find it within herself to worry when she finally pulled Kelley into a long-awaited hug that she had been aching for. Alex tried to make Kelley understand and feel all the worry, pain and loneliness that Alex had felt with her on the other side of the country through the hug, and judging from how hard Kelley squeezed her back, the message was received. 

Still, as Alex laughed and pulled away from Kelley, watching the way that her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, despite the limp and crutches, she found Tobin’s words repeating in her head. 

It wasn’t like that. 

Kelley was just her best friend. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. They had won an Olympics together — that kind of bond was special, is all.

No matter how she tried to justify it, however, Alex knew that this wasn’t the way that she had felt about anyone else in the past — friend or otherwise.

**\-- October 2014 --**

One of the only things that Alex had ever been sure of was Kelley.

Alex had a bad habit of doubting things that she shouldn’t. She doubted her own ability at her lowest moments, she doubted if the people around her loved her like they seemed to, she doubted if she was making the right decision almost every time that she had to make a tough choice.

Everyone doubted though. Alex knew that, and she knew that she couldn’t be hard on herself. The one thing that Alex never had cause to overthink or second guess was Kelley. She was the only steady thing in her life, the floating buoy that she clung to in stormy waters. 

Maybe that’s why she wasn’t surprised when she realised what everyone else had been hinting at the whole time.

Alex was in love with Kelley. 

She couldn’t say when she had fallen, but she was able to pinpoint the exact moment that she realised that she had done so. 

It was during the camp in the lead up to CONCACAF 2014 — two years after she first properly met Kelley. So much had changed since then: back in 2012, she barely knew the other girl, and had no idea just how important Kelley would become to her

But Kelley was such a large part of her life that Alex didn’t even question it when they did things and acted in ways that, objectively, she knew teammates and friends didn’t. She knew that Kelley and her were different, but she didn’t fully comprehend the full meaning of such a fact until CONCACAF. 

They were training with the team, just as usual, but Alex caught sight of Kelley running up the flank as she was lingering in the box, waiting for the cross that she knew Kelley would deliver, and something about her expression when she sent it over to Alex, and the joy and pride on her face when Alex tapped it in, even though this was just an ordinary practice scrimmage, hit Alex in the chest strangely.

She felt like she had been knocked off course, and hoped that it wasn’t too noticeable in the way that her touches weren’t right for the rest of practice, her runs were delayed, and she was obviously distracted. 

She caught sight of Jill frowning at her slightly before Alex had to turn her head away in shame, cheeks burning with embarrassment. But when she looked up, dreading the weighted look in the coaching staff’s eyes, and the guarded expressions of the rest of the team, all she saw was Kelley, concern visible in the crinkle of her brow, but faith and belief were also there, right in the shine of her eyes, and gleam of her grin. 

That strange feeling in Alex’s chest fluttered slightly before settling, and that’s when she realised. It wasn’t with a bang, but a whimper that Alex’s world ends and a new one begins: one where she is irrevocably and undeniably in love with her best friend.

\-- 

CONCACAF started well — Alex was in good condition and had resolved to keep the Kelly IssueTM, as she had decided to refer to it, shoved way back in her mind. 

Their first match was against Trinidad and Tobago, which wasn’t anticipated to be an issue. Alex couldn’t connect to the ball though, wasting all of her opportunities. Rapinoe took an early corner for them, and Alex saw the ball coming in easily. She jumped up for the header, but the ball went well over. 

She jogged back into position, cursing herself as she prepared for the game to restart. 

Every other chance that either she, or any of the others got, were shut down by Forbes or went wide. They definitely hadn’t been expecting Trinidad and Tobago’s goalkeeper to be in such good form, or have such great instincts — it made the match tougher than it maybe should have been. 

The first half went scoreless for both teams, and it was hard for Alex to keep the frustration welling up inside her under control whilst she listened to Jill try and pump them up. Suddenly, Kelley was at her side, her hand on the small of her back. 

Alex tried not to freeze, nerves taking over in that instant, but she also couldn’t deny the way that her spirits instantly lifted just at the sight of Kelley — even when Alex was feeling angry and frustrated, her legs and muscles burning, Kelley still managed to make her want to smile just by being around her. 

She was so screwed.

Before Alex could manage to turn her attention back to Jill from where it had wandered to the girl beside her, the second half was beginning and she had to get back into game mode. The break and the lasting frustration from the first half translated itself into determination for the whole team: she could see it in the set of Abby’s shoulders and the glint in Christen’s eyes. 

Seeing her team like that made Alex wanted to rise to the occasion with them — as if she needed any more reason to push harder in the latter half of this match. 

Kling got an opportunity early to send a cross in from a pass from Carli, and Abby found it with a header, but it went wide. The frustration was evident on Abby’s face, but so was the determination that Alex knew they were going to need in this game. 

‘Hey, their defence is weak. Their goalie is good, but we just need to keep pressing.’ Carli mumbled to Alex and Abby as they made their way back. Alex nodded, not in the mood to discuss more than that, and focused. 

It wasn’t long until another chance presented itself — Press sent in a pass to Abby, but Forbes had her taken down easily, grabbing at the ball just as Abby fired it at the goal. Rapinoe sent in a last ditch attempt as the ball bounced its way to her, but it went over. 

Alex growled slightly under her breath. The anger and frustration at not connecting well with the ball was beginning to present itself, and she had to make sure that she wasn’t too aggressive — that would just make things worse.

Kelley placed a steady hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down. ‘Chill, Al. We’ll get it.’

She nodded shortly, trying not to melt at the other girl’s reassurance. ‘You’re doing good too, Kell. Keep that backline strong.’

‘You know it, babe.’ Kelley winked playfully as she jogged backwards, before turning and running back. Alex smiled after her, shaking her head at the other girl’s stupidity, whilst trying not to have a heart attack in the middle of the game because a pretty girl winked at her and called her babe. 

Ridiculous.

In the 54th minute, Alex got a good pass from Carli. Dodging the Trinidadian defence and a run out from Forbes, she made her way to the corner of the box before she was able to pop a cross over to where Abby was lingering near the goal. 

Abby headed it into the open goal easily, and cheers erupted throughout the crowd. That was one plus to playing the tournament in the States — good reception when they scored. 

The team crushed the two of them together, and Alex recognised the voices yelling in her ear about her assist and at Abby for the goal, but they didn’t have much time to celebrate before they had to get ready for the game to continue. 

The match continued with similarly frustrating chances not amounting in anything until the final whistle was eventually blown with the score standing at 1-0. Mainly she was just flooded with relief. She had missed the Algarve, and getting the US on the board at CONCACAF was exactly what she needed to remind herself that she was still at this level, injuries be damned. 

Of course, it was only two days later when she collided and tripped over Barrios in the box when they played Guatemala, feeling pain shoot through her left ankle, the same ankle that she had hurt last time. 

Despite knowing that there were spectators and cameras all watching as she stayed on the ground, Alex couldn’t fake being okay. Blinded by the pain, she took her frustrations out on the grass with her fist, almost biting through her lip as she held back the tears and screams of pain. 

Kelley was quickly by her side, hand on her shoulder and calming voice in her ear, but Alex was almost deaf to her words. She heard the other girl say something about staying calm whilst the trainers got her on a stretcher and made sure that she was okay. She could hear the traces of panic and alarm in Kelley’s voice, but could barely even keep her breathing steady, let alone hold a rational conversation, so she stuck to counting her breaths and focusing on getting on the stretcher and making it to the sideline. 

They were 1-0 up thanks to Tobin scoring early, but after the match against Trinidad and Tobago, Alex had wanted to score — her last tournament goal had been against Germany in the Algarve in 2013. Sure, she had scored in friendlies, but this had been her chance after missing this year’s Algarve. 

As she was stretchered off the field, Alex felt the unmistakable and heartbreaking feeling that her chance was slipping away. This was the World Cup qualifying tournament — how was she supposed to get on the roster for Canada in 2015 if she was down like this?

Her MRI exam the next day showed that there was no lasting damage, but that she would be out for 6 weeks. Alex knew that was good, objectively, and that, considering that she had been sidelined for 7 months last time she hurt her ankle, this was a relatively good outcome of an injury. 

It didn’t stop her from wanting to cry with frustration and disappointment when she was told that she had to fly home, and that she wouldn’t be staying with the team throughout the rest of the tournament. The coaches had said they wanted her to work in rehab and get better, and Alex understood why they made that decision, but it didn’t make the sting of disappointment any less, and it didn’t make the yearn to be out there, representing and fighting for her country any easier to bear when she was stuck on crutches, and her couch at home watching her teammates play without her.

\--

Stuck in rehab, Alex found herself with a lot more free time to think about what she felt for Kelley than she had anticipated.

After her sudden realisation, it was easy to fall in love with Kelley — or, more accurately, finish falling in love with Kelley; Alex was pretty sure that she had started falling long before that moment. 

However, Alex soon found out that the actual state of being in love with Kelley was entirely different. 

It means that she has to live with the reality where Alex lives across the country from Kelley, in an empty, cold and lonely apartment; where Kelley could be falling in love with anyone who wasn’t Alex.

It wasn’t until that moment that she realised how entirely wrong that felt, and she cursed herself for being so dumb and oblivious for so long. The ache that she felt back when she first moved to Portland suddenly makes so much more sense — the way that she felt like she was missing part of herself rather than just her best friend. But this loneliness, now that she knew her true feelings, constituted a much keener and sharper pain than before. 

A couple of weeks pass — there were no upcoming USWNT events once CONCACAF finished with the US claiming the title for the 7th time. Alex was relieved to know that they were headed for the World Cup, but she also had to focus on her training and rehab with the NWSL season also being over. It brought back memories of the beginning of the season, with her ankle sidelining her from the Algarve Cup. She had been sidelined for so long, and the only thing that kept her going was the prospect of returning to the USWNT and fighting for the World Cup with the people who had become some of her best friends. If she was going to get to that point of recovery again, she couldn’t afford to dwell on Kelley. That, obviously, didn’t stop the pang every time that she thought about her, every time that she saw her name pop up in her messages, every time that she called her and heard the voice that she missed so dearly.

A trip to visit her family helped clear her head and keep her focused, her parents clearly noticing how withdrawn she was, both because of her ankle and because of Kelley, but didn’t ask. Alex was grateful for that — things were complicated at the moment, and she wasn’t sure how she could articulate how she felt about everything even to herself, let alone someone else. 

Alex decided to stick around Portland for most of the off-season though, thinking that it would be better to stick with the same trainers and environment for rehab — then, if things turned to shit, there would at least be people familiar with her trying to put her back together. 

Tobin stayed with her for a while, for which she was grateful, as she knew that there were probably other things that the girl had planned for their rare break. They trained a bit together, with Alex taking things slow as she prioritised caution over reinjuring herself again. 

Having Tobin around soon backfired though, as she knew that the other girl noticed that there was more things wrong than just her ankle. 

‘Dude, is there anything you need to talk about?’ Her teammate brings up in the locker-room after training one day. Frustration coursed through her veins at a disappointing session with her ankle, and it took all of her willpower to keep a handle on her temper and not snap at Tobin. 

‘Everything’s peachy, Tobs.’ She gritted her teeth and ground out the statement, barely even glancing at the other girl. 

Alex didn’t have to look at her to see the disbelieving expression painted all across Tobin’s face, paired with concern so genuine that Alex wanted to punch something. 

She sighed, and tried to steady herself. ‘Fine, something’s up.’

‘Yeah, I kinda got that. Do you actually want to talk about it, or do you want to go drin and forget about it?’

Alex’s head shot up, and she finally felt herself smile. ‘Definitely the second option.’

Tobin smiled sadly, and got to her feet. ‘Let’s go, then.’ Alex was gathering her things when she heard Tobin continue: ‘I mean, this is total enablement on my part, and unhealthy coping mechanisms on yours, but let’s do this anyway.’

‘It’s not like you didn’t deal with your feelings for Chris with alcohol for years, Tobs. You can’t criticise.’ Tobin made a face at her words but didn’t bother retorting, knowing that the beginning of her relationship with Christen provided far too much ammo for teasing already and that protesting would only make it worse. 

It wasn’t long until the two of them were sat in a dimly lit bar, drinking in comfortable silence. Alex felt her fourth shot burn in the back of her throat, but she finally achieved the kind of spaced out state that she was aiming for — she didn’t want to feel any pain tonight, and this was the best way that she could think to avoid thoughts of Kelley. 

‘So,’ Tobin slurred slightly, her words running into each other as she turned to face Alex, ‘What’s up?’

She rolled her eyes before letting her head fall with a solid thunk to the bar in front of her. ‘I have a problem.’

‘Uh, duh. I’m asking what it is, dumbass.’

‘Kell.’

Alex watched Tobin balk slightly from the corner of her eye as she lifted her head up and placed it in her hands. ‘What do you mean? What’s she done now?’

‘She’s done nothing!’ Alex groaned. ‘This is my fault.’

‘What’s your fault? What’s going on?’ Tobin was just sounding more confused, her questions growing plaintive thanks to the alcohol. 

Alex didn’t think much before she spoke and ended up spilling everything to Tobin. ‘I think I’m in love with her.’

There was silence between them for a moment, the background noises of the bar and its patrons the only thing either of them heard for a beat or two. Then, Tobin shrugged and turned back to her beer. ‘I could have told you that. It was obvious.’

‘It wasn’t to me!’ Everyone keeps saying we act like we’re together but I didn’t realise I felt anything for her like that till the CONCACAF tournament.’

This year’s?’

Alex nodded in confirmation. Tobin groaned. ‘You idiots. We thought you’ve been dating in secret for ages! I bet Christen 100 dollars that you’d gotten together back in like 2012 and had just kept it on the down low. I mean, judging by the amount you’ve drank tonight, I can now see that you did not, but I still didn’t think that it would have taken you so long to get your shit together.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry that my crisis didn’t happen at a convenient time for you. And technically, considering the fact that I’m getting wasted in a shitty bar with you, I still don’t have my shit together. In fact, since I realised I love her, my shit has been significantly less together’

‘Yeah, we noticed, dumbass. That’s why I’m here.’ Tobin chuckled slightly, before turning back to Alex. ‘Okay, so what’s the plan?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like, how are you going to tell her?’

Alex choked on air for a second, astonished by Tobin’s words. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not going to _tell_ her.’

Tobin’s brow furrowed in confusion. ‘What? Why?’

‘Because I don’t want to ruin our friendship? She doesn’t like me back, Tobs.’

‘How can you know that?’

‘Why would she?’ Alex frowned, focusing on her drink in front of her rather than her friend. ‘I’m just me, Tobs. How can I measure up to someone worthy of Kelley?’

‘Alex, come on. You’re like the face of US Women’s Soccer.’ Tobin snorted. ‘Half the world is in love with you, I’m sure Kelley is nothing different in that way.’

Rather than replying, Alex kept her eyes trained on the bar in front of her. Tobin’s words were sweet, but didn’t exactly break through. Kelley was so incredible, and had been the best thing in her life, and how was she possibly supposed to be deserving that?

‘Look, Al, I think we’re done.’ Tobin said eventually. ‘Drinking your feelings away is my M.O, but you need to actually think about telling Kelley, and you need to do that sober.’

Alex nodded, but didn’t move until Tobin rose. 

She didn’t want to go back to her dark and empty apartment, and remember how quiet it is. She didn’t want to lie in bed and spend another night thinking about how her bed felt too big without someone on the other side. 

But Kelley wasn’t here, and Alex was all alone, so she called a Lyft, thanked Tobin, and pretended that she was okay and alright with the fact that she was at the top of her career, and was so desperately and pathetically alone. 

Life was not a fairytale, with a neat and tidy happy ending. Alex knew that she couldn’t get one of those in this situation, and she knew that she had to make her peace with that. But every time that she saw Kelley, she remembered the warmth and shine of her wide smile and it made it all so much harder than when 3,000 miles separated them. 

\--

Christmas passed Alex by quickly — she spent it in California with her family and old friends, but there was a distance between them that hadn’t been there before. The end of this season, and the off-season as well, had been isolating for Alex, and despite the comfort she gained from being around her family, it was hard to combat that feeling.

‘Al, what’s going on?’ Jeri tried one evening, after they had both had a bit to drink and the rest of the family were off in the lounge watching some film. The lights in the kitchen were turned off and the only light came from the twinkling Christmas lights strung around the house. 

Even in the dim lighting, Alex could see the concern painted across Jeri’s face. 

‘Nothing.’ She sighed, but she couldn’t make eye contact. 

‘Come on, Alex. You can tell me anything. Is it your ankle?’

Whilst her injury had been stressing Alex out slightly, she knew that it would heal eventually — she would recover. The Kelley situation, however, was something entirely different: there was no resolving that. Not with time nor rehabilitation.

‘Yeah, my ankle is just frustrating me.’ Alex tried to brush Jeri off, but the older Morgan looked unconvinced.

‘No, I’ve seen you injured before. You seem more drained and sad then when you tore your ACL, and that was way more serious than this. There’s something you’re not telling me.’

Alex cursed her sister — she was like a dog with a bone sometimes. ‘Nothing’s going on, Jeri. Please, just leave it alone.’ She was borderline pleading at this point, and just when Jeri looked like she was going to acquiesce and let the matter lie, she tried one more route.

‘Have you met someone, or something?’ Her older sister probed, and Alex froze. She had been trying to keep Kelley off of her mind and enjoy the holiday, but everything came rushing past the walls she had set up with the mere mention of her dating life. 

The very look that Alex must have had on her face convinced Jeri that something was wrong, and that she was on the right track. She was screwed now — in her concern, there was no way that Jeri was going to give up until she had gotten what she thought she was looking for. She had a bad habit of trying to solve all of Alex’s problems through sheer force of will and good intent, which normally led to her interrogating Alex for all the information she thought she wanted, when all Alex wanted to do was wallow in her own misery. 

‘Is there someone hurting you, Alex? I’ve never seen you like this.’ The concern bled through her voice, and she felt bad for keeping this for Jeri, but she had barely even begun processing things herself, and the last thing that she wanted to do was talk about it.

Defeated, Alex hung her head. ‘I might have feelings for someone, but they can’t go anywhere.’ She mumbled, training her eyes anywhere but her sister’s face. 

‘Why not?’

‘Because my feelings aren’t returned.’

Jeri winced. ‘That’s rough. Have you told him how you’re feeling? Do you know for sure that he doesn’t like you too?’

The pronoun shocked Alex back to her senses. Her family didn’t even know that she wasn’t straight — how could she explain that she was falling for a teammate, possibly the worst thing to do as an athlete?

Truthfully, till her unfortunate realisation, even Alex hadn’t really know that she wasn’t straight. Sure, she had admired other girls from before and had briefly entertained the idea of dating one of them, but her romantic interests had, in reality, pretty much been restricted to that of the male variety.

‘No, but I don’t have to. I know that he likes someone else.’ Alex came up with any reason not to talk about this anymore. Saying this ‘mystery man’ was dating someone who wasn’t her was likely the best way to move on from the subject and get back to whatever family bullshit she was avoiding. 

Normally, family time like this was Alex’s favourite thing, but she was in a rather bad mood and she could tell throughout the holiday that she had been putting a damper on things — honestly, she was surprised that it took one of her family members this long to try and intervene. 

The sympathy painted across Jeri’s face made pain erupt in Alex’s chest. Even when her sister had no idea what was going on, the empathy she held was still striking. Alex felt guilty for lying, but she wasn’t ready to talk about Kelley at all, nor destroy the way that her family had viewed her for her whole life. 

‘Can we just not talk about this, Jeri? Please?’ Alex finally looked her sister in the eyes and tried to make it as clear as she could that this was the last thing that she wanted to talk about. She hadn’t told anyone other than Tobin what was going on and even that felt like too much. 

Alex was still praying that she would move on or that her realisation was incorrect, but every time that she thought of Kelley, the pang in her chest shocked her back to the reality that she was living in where she was completely in love with someone that didn’t love her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol this is so yikes
> 
> i sincerely apologise for making y'all read this trash fic
> 
> chapter title taken from first day of my life by bright eyes
> 
> hmu on tumblr @unhauntng


	2. if this is a prison, i'm willing to buy my own chain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow another chapter!!!!!!!! i can actually update? shock horror. 
> 
> tbh my writing is a curse lol so y'all really should feel horrified. 
> 
> i feel obliged to point out, if it wasn't clear from the first chapter, that i really am winging it with both the non-linear timeline, and the whole football thing lmao. this is literally the shittiest thing in the world but whatever, yknow??
> 
> anyway, come get y'all kellex angst juice.
> 
> also, as a british person, please be aware that every time i type the word soccer, part of me dies
> 
> chapter title comes from salt in the wound by boy genius
> 
> hmu on tumblr @unhauntng

**\-- March 2016 --**

The prospect of the SheBelieves Cup initially off-put Alex — she knew what to expect from these teams in general, but every competition had to be approached differently. A new competition was something they hadn’t had to tackle before, and the whole team was unsure about how to go into it.

Jill just advised them to keep being the solid team that they always were. In their prefacing camp, her main message had been, ‘You’ve played these teams before, and you’ve beat these teams before. This is just a warm up for the Olympics, more than CONCACAF.’ Once she had put it in that light, Alex found the prospect less intimidating. 

Their first match was in Tampa, and Alex knew that England would be a tough team to play against — they had a solid squad, but, at least judging from the camp, Alex knew that the team was as strong as every, their newbies so far proving themselves up to the task.

CONCACAF had been strange without Abby, a new adjustment to be made in an old setting — the tournament had become familiar over the past few years. SheBelieves, however, was new ground for them all, and it felt like a good place to start in terms of continuing on without a player who had defined the National Team for so long. 

Kelley nudging her side pulled Alex out of her thoughts. They were rooming on this trip, set up in their hotel room in Tampa. Kelley was sprawled across her bed, limbs tangled with Alex’s and head resting on her shoulder as they scrolled through Netflix to pick a film. ‘Pay attention to me, Morgan, or I’ll go running to someone else.’

‘Please, like anyone else will put up with you like I do.’

The girl feigned offense. ‘I’ll have you know that Sonnett loves me.’

‘Sonnett loves everyone, that doesn’t make you special.’

Kelley pouted. ‘That’s so rude.’

‘Hey, I never said you weren’t special. I don’t love everyone. Just you.’ Alex’s joking tone didn’t cover up the sincerity that she knew radiated from the statement. It was more true than Kelley would ever know. 

Her genuine appreciation was met with a snort and scoff. ‘Whatever, Alex.’

It was her turn to be affronted now. ‘Wow, I bare my soul like that, and I get nothing in return. That’s awful, Kelley.’ She shook her head, playing up her disappointment. ‘Maybe I’m going to be the one running to Sonnett at this rate.’

Kelley snorted. ‘Nah, you already admitted you love me. You’re not going anywhere.’

She shrugged, dislodging Kelley slightly. ‘Fair enough. I will leave if you don’t pick something soon though, or else I’ll be retired by the time we actually start a film.’

‘Hey, I’m older than you. We’ll both be retired.’

Alex laughed. ‘True. You can go and coach and I’ll go live in LA again, and try to do something with my degree from a million years ago.’

‘I’m only 28. College wasn’t that long ago.’

She prodded Kelley in the side. ‘Face it, babe, you’re ancient.’

They both froze at the endearment that tripped from Alex’s tongue with disarming ease. The implications brought back sharp memories of exactly what she knew they both had been trying to avoid. 

‘Alex —’

‘Sorry, Kelley.’ Her voice was sharp, and the other girl dropped the subject. Alex didn’t want to talk about, because nothing good would come of it. 

They had both been skirting around the topic since last year, and she didn’t need to keep dwelling on the memory of Kelley’s lips against hers, her hand on her jaw and skin flush against skin.

Alex had vowed after their last friendly at the end of December that she would move on from the memory — she had long since accepted that she wasn’t moving on from Kelley any time soon. Still, it was hard to look Kelley in the eye, knowing how it felt to kiss her, and not want to pull her closer, to close the ever-present gap between them, and finally show her how she felt. 

‘Look, Lex, we were both drunk and celebrating. It’s fine. We had just won the World Cup, Alex, we don’t have to make it something it wasn’t.’ Kelley repeated the same justification that she felt like she had heard a thousand times, and Alex wanted to scream in frustration. Somehow, Kelley always made it impossible to do anything that she had made up her mind to do — namely, move on from either the kiss or from Kelley.

Screwing her eyes shut, she took a deep breath before opening them again, keeping her cool as best as she could. Fuck Kelley O’Hara for being so blind and dumb all the time. Would it take Alex wearing a flashing neon sign announcing her feelings or literally going down on her for Kelley to actually realise how she felt?

‘Exactly. We were drunk and celebrating.’ Her tone was cold even to her own ears, and Alex suddenly found the weight on Kelley against her side and on her chest more suffocating than comforting. ‘Which is why I don’t want to talk about it.’

Kelley acquiesced, ending the curt conversation by finally choosing a film. Honestly, Alex’s mind was so far away that she couldn’t even tell what they were watching as her thoughts were filled with memories of their kiss, and the subsequent tension between them.

Kelley had made it obvious that it had meant nothing to her, but Alex had spent every waking, and non-waking, moment since replaying it in her head, memorising the feeling of Kelley’s lips against hers. The hardest part of it all was that it had been the moment that Alex realised that there was no moving on from this. She had loved Kelley since 2014, but that kiss was the moment that Alex’s stomach dropped and she finally understood what people meant when they talked about falling in love, because that was exactly what it had felt like: that moment on a rollercoaster, or a plane, when your stomach swooped and you feel weightless for a second, and then everything comes rushing towards the ground ever so quickly, but you feel like you’ve left half of yourself behind and you’re still playing catch up.

With Kelley, Alex was always playing catch-up, and she was beginning to tire. 

By the time that the closing credits were rolling, Kelley was passed out, drooling slightly on Alex’s shoulder, and it was a testament to the strength of her feelings that she didn’t pull away, instead sighing and settling in for a very long night of overthinking and worrying. 

\--

Alex’s first goal of the tournament came when they played France in Nashville. She left it late as well, the other team holding them to a 0-0 draw until the first minute of stoppage time when Alex finally scoring off of an assist from Mal. 

Kelley had been subbed off in the 85’ and, despite Alex’s best efforts not to, she made eye contact with her as she turned to run back. Kelley’s eyes were wide with pride, she could see that from the field, and Alex suddenly felt the sharp taste of guilt rise in her throat as she looked at Kelley cheer her on.

How could she blame Kelley for not having feelings for her? Sure, it was kinda shitty that she had kissed her after the World Cup, but she was right when she said that they were drunk and celebrating — something stupid always happened when the whole team was together, drunk or not. It was just unfortunate that the stupid thing was exactly what Alex had been praying for yet in the worst possible context. 

She sent a small smile and a nod Kelley’s way, and the other woman practically shone in response. 

Arguing with Kelley wasn’t right — it made Alex feel strange, and set the world kilter. So, without a word being exchanged between them, Alex could feel everything settle into its rightful position once more. 

This seemed to just be something Alex would have to move on and accept, no matter how hard it was for her.

\--

Despite the moment that the two of them shared during the game, Alex found herself avoiding Kelley for a while — as much as she could, anyway. She spent most of the evening after the France game hiding in Press’ room. 

‘As much as I enjoy your company, Alex, do you want to explain why you’ve decided to move in?’ The question, accompanied by a dry smile, came a couple hours after Alex had turned up at Christen’s door. She knew that her roommate, Tobin, was hanging with Kelley this evening, and decided to take advantage of that. 

Alex sent her a sheepish smile, not meeting her eyes. ‘Uh, we haven’t spent time together in a while?’ Her justification came out more like a question, and Christen rolled her eyes good-naturedly. 

‘Sure, Alex.’ 

They had spent the evening watching Netflix and painting their nails, with Alex diverting all of her attention and effort into the task at hand, not allowing herself to think about Kelley. 

‘You know you can talk to me about anything.’ Christen said carefully, watching Alex closely. 

She swallowed hard. Alex hated keeping secrets — it wasn’t in her nature to hide things from the people that she loved. But she knew that this was the kind of thing that could cause undue tension in a team, and this was an important year for them. The Olympics were in a couple of months, and Alex couldn’t risk that. 

Still, this was Christen of all people. Alex had watched Christen and Tobin fall in love from a distance since 2012, and she had been privy to them stressing over the same things worrying her now — the balance of the team if their feelings were discovered, ect. 

‘I get the feeling that you already know, Chris.’ She sighed, because it was true. Tobin and Christen shared everything, and she had told Tobin about this in a drunken moment of weakness back in 2014. 

Christen smiled bashfully. ‘Still. I want to hear it from you.’ She settled back against the headboard of her bed, Alex camped out on the foot of the same one. Both of them knew better than to mess with Tobin’s bed. 

‘Are you really going to make me say it?’ Alex whined, admittedly sounding as petulant as a child, but she didn’t care. This situation was shitty and talking about it just made her feel worse, and made the pit in her stomach deepen ever so slightly. 

‘Believe it or not, Al, confronting your feelings is best.’ Christen advice, a small smile on face as Alex rolled her eyes and huffed. 

A beat of silence passed between them, with Christen waiting patiently. Alex felt small when she finally admitted, voice quiet, ‘I’m in love with Kelley. Have been for a while.’

The expression on Christen’s face morphed into something more supportive and encouraging, and Alex wasn’t sure if that made her feel better or worse. She hated it when others pitied her, but she obviously wasn’t hiding her feelings well if so many people were picking up on them, and maybe she did need to talk to people about them. 

‘So? What’s wrong now that you’re hiding here?’ Christen asked, a furrow in her brow. 

This was the part that no one knew about. They hadn’t been seen in the locker room after the World Cup Final, and Alex hadn’t told a soul about what had happened between her and Kelley in those celebratory moments. Despite it running through her head on a loop, it wasn’t even something that Alex enjoyed thinking about — it was everything that she had ever wanted, everything that she had yearned and longed for since she realised what it was that she felt for Kelley, but it was so bitter at the same time, tainted and tinged by pain.

Alex took a deep breath before continuing. ‘After the World Cup Final last year, we were celebrating in the locker room,’ she turned to look at Press as she spoke, but didn’t meet her eyes, ‘and something happened between Kelley and I.’

Christen made an excited sound and gestured for Alex to continue. Whilst that made Alex smile slightly, it turned bitter as she spoke. ‘She kissed me.’

‘Holy shit.’ Christen breathed out, a grin spilling over her face before it abruptly stopped. ‘So, why are you upset? Isn’t that a good thing?’ She screwed up her delicate features into a confused scowl, making Alex chuckled softly.

‘In theory.’ Alex admitted with a slight smile. ‘But considering that it was just because she was drunk and celebrating, and because she doesn’t actually feel anything like that for me, it’s kind of shitty.’

Christen frowned at her. ‘Are you kidding me?’

‘What?’

‘Do you honestly believe that Kelley doesn’t like you back?’ Christen accused her, almost seeming angry. 

Alex had no idea why this had taken such a turn, but her own frustration rose in her chest till it burned at the back of her throat and made her hands shake. ‘Please don’t say it like that, Chris. Don’t give me hope when there is none. If she felt anything she wouldn’t have acted like the kiss meant nothing. She’s made it clear how she feels.’ She scoffed bitterly, shaking her head at the thought and trying to ignore the flickers of pain in her chest. 

She was so sick of feeling like this: feeling bad for herself and hurting when she knew that it was pointless. Kelley wasn’t going to fall in love with her just because Alex felt that way for her. Something things just don’t work out. 

‘Maybe she’s scared, Al.’ Christen said, the anger gone and encouragement there. She reached forward and placed her hand on Alex’s. ‘Maybe she’s just as head over heels for you but doesn’t think you like her either.’

Alex laughed, a little bitterly. ‘Believe me, I’m not subtle.’ At Christen’s questioning look, she elaborated. ‘Don’t deny that practically the whole team has figured it out by now.’

Christen frowned. ‘Mewis has been claiming that you two have been dating for ages, but there’s nothing substantial, and Sam is just joking. I can tell her to stop if you want?’

She shook her head. ‘No, don’t bother. That will just convince her more that there’s something there.’

‘I thought you were dating Servando though? Did you like Kelley when you met him?’

Alex sighed. ‘When we reconnected, it was because we met in a bar where I was trying to drown my feelings in alcohol and didn’t mind if I got a bit of alcohol poisoning whilst I was at it. Servando was a couple seats away, got me some water and I ended up spilling the whole thing to him.’ She smiled despite herself. ‘We were great friends in college, and it was always easy to talk to him about things.’

Christen frowned. ‘So, how did you end up dating him?’

Alex laughed. ‘That was his idea. He said that the best way to try and get Kelley to see me as “a romantic prospect” was to date someone else. He ended up convincing me that fake dating him was a good idea, which it objectively wasn’t but I was drunk and sad so don’t even start.’ She warned as Christen opened her mouth to reply. 

The other woman chuckled slightly before shaking her head. ‘You’re really in a mess, Al.’ 

‘I know.’ She groaned, burying her head in the duvet. ‘I think I’ll just stay here forever. Fuck Kelley, fuck this tournament, fuck soccer. I am one with the bed now. Morg-bed.’

Christen laughed at her muffled proclamation, patting her gently on the shoulder. ‘We’d miss you too much, Al. Come back to us.’ She teased lightly. 

‘It’s too late — I’ve been assimilated.’ Alex retorted, shaking her head into the duvet cover. Christen lay down next to her, and silence passed between them for a while, before Alex sighed and turned back over, staring at the ceiling. 

‘I just wish that these feelings would go away. They’re not very helpful.’ She grumbled, even though that wasn’t true. Sure, it hurt being in love with Kelley, but it was also the most beautiful sort of pain that she had ever experienced. 

Even if it was unrequited, being in love with Kelley was the best part of Alex, and she wouldn’t change it for anything, even if she did wish that Kelley loved her in return. 

‘You don’t mean that.’ Christen seemed to read her mind as she softly comforted her. 

Alex had to hold back a quiet sob. ‘Yeah, I know. I wish I did, though.’

That bit was true. Chris seemed to know that, and nodded her head, still stroking Alex’s head, and letting her unload all the feelings that she had kept bottled up for so long. 

She ended up feeling lighter than she had since the World Cup, but at the end of the night, she still had to return to her room, to where Kelley lay waiting, all concern and tentative worry. For now, though, Alex just enjoyed the quiet of the hotel room and the sound of Chris’ soft breathing as she closed her eyes and tried to imagine where she didn’t constantly feel like there was a gaping wound in her chest, distinctly Kelley shaped, that only grew wider with time.

**\-- August 2012 --**

Alex never made the conscious decision to live with Kelley after London. The two of them had simply fallen together, and then decided not to bother disentangling themselves. It was three months in LA. Three months that she didn’t think that she would get with Kelley, but did, and was immeasurably grateful for every second for a reason that Alex didn’t care to dwell on.

She had also never expected a fellow player to become so important to her — Alex valued all of her teammates, but Kelley was different in a way that she couldn’t understand. That is not to say that Alex didn’t like it; in fact, if she could, she would happily spend the rest of her life around Kelley. 

‘What’s on your mind, Morgan?’ The voice of the very person that she had been thinking about startled her out of her thoughts. She smiled slightly at the sight of Kelley, the subconscious response to the other girl’s presence that she couldn’t suppress even if she wanted to. 

The two of them were curled up on the sofa together, some movie that neither of them were really watching playing in the background. Alex had spent most of the evening tracing the angle of Kelley’s jawline with her eyes, and was thankful, for some reason, that she hadn’t been caught doing that rather than zoning out.

‘Nothing you would understand, Stanford. All you think about is the environment.’

Kelley pouts slightly.

‘And soccer.’ Alex amends.

The other girl nods and grins, comically satisfied. 

Alex doesn’t think about how light her heart is and how her cheeks ache slightly from smiling too wide. 

She doesn’t think to appreciate any of that. 

\--

Kelley and Alex were in their kitchen, making breakfast quietly together, drowsiness fading, when they get the call. It’s Alex’s phone that rings first. She grabs it almost absentmindedly, greeting the person on the other end with a murmured hello. 

‘Alex!’ Tobin’s voice is about as excited as it gets, and that’s what gets her attention first. Then, she realises how thick it is with emotion. 

‘Tobs? What’s going on?’Kelley casts her a look, standing up slightly with concern etched all over her face. Alex can only shrug at her whilst she waits for Tobin to reply to her. The response is slightly garbled, jumbled by breathing and excitement and shitty phone lines but the two words that Alex is sure she can make out are “new” and “league”.

Voice sharp with urgency, she replied, ‘What?’

‘There’s going to be a league, Al. They’re setting one up. There’s sponsors and coaches and the whole deal.’ Tobin manages to choke out, and Alex can hear the grin in her voice. 

‘Oh my god.’ 

They had been waiting for this — hoping, but not expecting, because, as women in sport, they were all too well-acquainted with the feeling of sharp disappointment when opportunities like this fold or never appear. Alex turns to Kelley, fire in her eyes and in her heart. ‘Kell, there’s going to be a league.’ When she sees Kelley’s eyes shining with emotion and relief and excitement, Alex knows that the same expression is probably painted across her own face. Kelley crushes her in a hug, arms tight around her so that she can’t breathe, but Alex can’t even muster the will to complain.

Alex thought that things couldn’t get any better after the Olympics, but she had been wrong. This was all that they had been dreaming about since the WPS folded. This was what would lead the USWNT to bigger and better things — a stable, supported league wherein they could develop their talents and skills. Not everyone wanted to go abroad, and this presented the perfect opportunity for them all. 

With Kelley wrapped around her, Tobin still excitedly chattering through the tinny speakers of her phone, and the morning sun shining through the cracks in the kitchen blinds, Alex could swear that she could fly with how light her heart felt. 

\--

She was excited about the league and the prospects that it represented — that hadn’t changed. What had changed what the fact that a realisation had dawned on her: there wasn’t going to be an LA team. The routine that she and Kelley had so carefully established where bliss felt easy was going to crash and burn when signings came about because, odds were, they weren’t going to be on the same team. 

They had faced each other in scrimmages before, and played on many different teams in college and club before without each other, but in that moment, Alex couldn’t imagine how she could ever even want to play soccer if it meant that it wouldn’t be Kelley delivering the cross, Kelley guarding the backline, Kelley flying into her arms, sheer unadulterated joy on her face after a tough win. 

The thought that they wouldn’t be playing together didn’t even occur to her until she saw the emails in her inbox from her agent. They were going to be allocated, a couple players to each team from the National Team. Alex had been given to Portland Thorns FC, along with Tobin, transferring from PSG, and Buehler, who had been in the Breakers. 

Looking at the info she had been provided about the team, Alex wasn’t sure if she was entirely unsatisfied with the club — she didn’t like the system of allocation, but she was happy to be playing with Tobin, and Buehler was cool. Plus, the CANWNT had allocated Sinclair and LeBlanc, who was a pretty solid goalkeeper.

Reading about the club just made that excited feeling well up in Alex’s chest again. She was so happy about the prospect of the league, that she forgot one very important detail: Kelley’s name was noticeably absent from the email about Portland.

It didn’t occur to her until Alex brought up Portland at dinner, when evening was just settling in, and the tv was blaring some background noise with a shitty program, and then Alex realised that she had no idea where Kelley was going to be in a couple months times. 

‘I’ve been given to Sky Blue.’ She said, shrugging simply, as if the news that they would on opposite sides of the country didn’t make her heart break in her chest like it did to Alex. 

For a moment, she was confused as to why this was hitting her so hard. Sure, Kelley was her best friend, but surely she hadn’t grown that codependent in two months? Still, it felt like it was only yesterday that they had moved it, so cheerful about spending some time together after the madness of the Olympics. 

They had both asked for the same three teams when requested by the NWSL Allocation people. They knew that it was likely they wouldn’t end up together, but the reality was setting in now, and Alex wasn’t sure why it was so hard to swallow the inexplicable bitter taste in her mouth.

‘I’m excited about it! I just think that New Jersey is the place for me, you know?’ Kelley continued, gesturing with her fork.

Alex looked at Kelley and saw the way that her eyes shone and gleamed, and for a second, she wanted to protest and demand that the other girl stick by her side. But then she thought about what Kelley was saying and realised that she knew exactly what she was talking about. 

She had gotten the same feeling from the prospect of Portland, even it was missing one very important thing. 

So Alex, despite the strange pang in her chest as she did so, nodded softly. ‘I know what you mean.’ Then she smiled, a small, slight thing. ‘Just a shame we’ll be on opposite coasts.’ Alex followed it with a tiny shrug, acting as if the very prospect of being apart from Kelley after their time living together didn’t tear at her heart. 

The smile slipped off of Kelley’s face slightly. ‘I know.’ For a moment, Alex felt a sick feeling of satisfaction — glad that at least it wasn’t only her that had grown strangely, and worryingly, attached.

For a second, silence reigned, but then the grin was back on Kelley’s face almost instantly, as if it had never left. ‘At least you won’t have to yell at me about the dishes anymore. Look on the bright-side, Al.’ The teasing tone of her voice made Alex smile but it didn’t make the weight of her sadness any lighter. 

‘Besides,’ Kelley continued, serious now, ‘we’ll see each other at camps and for the National Team.’

‘Presumptuous, much?’ Alex teased now, hiding behind a smile and a raised eyebrow. 

‘Shut up, dumbass.’ Kelley scoffed lightly, throwing a balled up napkin at Alex’s head and ignoring her sputters of indignation. 

Where there had only seconds ago been heaviness, Alex managed to feel levity in her chest, and decided that it wouldn’t do to dwell on the future, and she would rather just appreciate the time that she had left with Kelley in LA. 

\--

‘Come on, Alex, you can do this.’ Hints of exasperation were now sneaking into Kelley’s face, and she had to work hard to not flush with embarrassment. 

‘It’s hard, Kell!’ Alex protested from the surfboard beside Kelley. Her hair was dripping wet, and she was soaked to the bone, stuck in a wetsuit that was slightly too short for her on the legs and arms. ‘You know that I’ve never done this before.’

Kelley laughed from where she sat, languishing, on her own surfboard. ‘Yeah, but I still didn’t expect you to be this bad. I mean, you’re a professional soccer player — surely you should have _some_ natural athleticism!’

Alex just raised her middle finger, though letting go of the surfboard even with one hand made her feel nervous and she scrambled to get a better grip a few seconds later whilst Kelley laughed. 

She regretted agreeing to this, but Kelley had pulled out the puppy dog eyes that she _knew_ Alex could never say no to, and now here she was. Kelley had insisted that she taught Alex to surf before they both left LA, but Alex was pretty sure she would end up drowning before learning how to do this. 

‘How did you grow up in Diamond Bar and not learn how to surf? I grew up in the middle of Georgia and even I can surf!’

‘I don’t know, I just never learned.’ Alex defended herself whilst she tried to focus on standing up but promptly fell over again, whacking her elbow on the board. 

Kelley burst out into laughter and despite the pain radiating from her elbow, Alex was pretty sure that out in the salty ocean, with Kelley’s laughter in her ears, she was in heaven. 

\--

Tobin came to see them all, though Alex was well aware of the fact that she was probably mainly here for Press, who was with her parents in LA, so when the two of them suggested a night out, Kelley and Alex were both up for the idea.

‘It’s been ages since we’ve been able to chill together.’ Tobin complained as the four of them made their way to their chosen bar of the night. 

Alex emphatically nodded. ‘It’s been so weird since London, but it’s cool to get the chance to just hang out with you guys and not worry about like training or anything.’

Kelley groaned. ‘The life of non-soccer players is truly enviable. Imagine not worrying about training all the time.’

Christen laughed, and Alex smirked when she noticed Tobin staring at her, starry-eyed. Press and Heath had grown close during the Olympics, even though Christen hadn’t actually played a game. 

Alex knew that the two of them had encountered each other in college, as she had too, but it was funny to see how far gone the two of them were for each other after such a short time. 

‘Well, you’d also have to have a job, Kell. As in one that didn’t let you act like such a bonehead all the time.’ Christen teased.

From her place next to Alex, Kelley pouted, but didn’t have time to retort before they reached the bar, and hurried to pull the door open for them all. ‘Eat ass, Press.’ Kelley eventually replied weakly, before ushering everyone through the door. 

‘Let’s get drunk as fuck!’ She exclaimed once they were all sat at the bar and immediately ordered shots. 

‘This was a bad idea.’ Alex groaned, looking at Kelley out of the corner of her eye, the girl practically vibrating with excitement at the antics she would get up to whilst drunk. ‘She terrifies me when she’s like this.’

‘You’re not alone.’ Press nodded along with her, and the two of them shared a smile. It wasn’t long until they were all pretty drunk though, and laughing loudly from their seats at the bar. 

Tobin gestured for them all to quiet down as she loudly proclaimed, ‘Okay, but Al, I legit could have kissed you after you scored that goal against Canada.’

Alex blushed, but Kelley took hold of her shoulders and announced her deafening agreement. ‘Tobs, that’s the only valid thing you’ve ever said. That goal was fucking glorious. If I ever get married, I want to marry that goal.’

'You sure you wouldn't want to just marry Alex?' Tobin teased, cheeks already flushed from just one shot. 'You two already have achieved domestic bliss. Honestly, you're couple goals.'

Christen laughed as Kelley blushed. 'Believe me, if I could marry any of the team, it would not be Alex. She'd get too sick of me too quickly.' She waved away Tobin's comment. 'I'd probably marry HAO — gotta stick with the Irish.'

Tobin laughed, as Alex shook her head. 'Ignoring that, I’m pretty sure that it's not possible to marry a goal, Kell.’ Alex frowned, but the other girl shook her head. 

‘Nah, it’ll be legal one day.’

Tobin sputters with laughter. 'What, marrying a woman or marrying a goal?' Kelley threw a balled up napkin at her laughing friend, and Alex couldn't help but chuckle too. 

'You kind of cornered yourself there.' Alex justified when Kelley sent a betrayed look, though she feigned pain when the girl retaliated by wacking her in the shoulder. 'You're such an abuser, Kelley. If we were married, I'd file for domestic abuse.'

Christen waved a hand, frowning as she brought attention back to her. ‘Kell, I don’t think that the legality is the problem.’ She said, face creased with amusement. 

The confusion plastered across Kelley’s face is what tops it all off. ‘What do you mean, Press?’

Tobin chipped in, ‘How can you marry something that isn’t, uh, what’s the word, tangent?’

‘Tangible.’ Press supplies, still articulate even when she was peering through half-lidded eyes and cringing at the noise in the bar. 

Tobin tried to snap her fingers, but failed, and pointed at Christen anyway. ‘Thank you, Chris. Al’s goal, as magnificent as it was, isn’t tangible. You can’t dress it in a suit and marry it.’

‘More importantly, you can’t get its consent.’ Press chipped in, and Alex couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. ‘That’s very important.’ 

‘Whatever, none of that is an issue. Let me and Alex’s goal be happy in married life.’ Kelley defended herself, waving her hands about drunkenly. ‘You guys are just jealous that I proposed to the goal first.’

Press snorted. ‘Please, that goal wouldn’t go for you. It’s out of your league.’

‘It’s not in yours either. Besides, the only thing in your “league” is Tobin.’ Alex teased, high fiving Kelley as the other two girls’ cheeks flamed red, with Tobin throwing another napkin at Alex’s head that she tried to dodge but almost fell off the barstool instead.

Kelley laughed — a deep, fully, belly laugh that caught the attention of half the people around the bar. ‘You’re even less coordinated when you’re drunk, which I didn’t think was possible.’ Hiccuping through her own laughter, Alex tried and failed to defend herself, protesting when Kelley brought up their surfing attempts from the other day. 

‘Oh, leave me alone, you assholes.’

‘Alex, you always refused to let me teach you!’ Tobin pouted, but she got no apologies nor regret from Alex as she tried to re-situate herself on the stool.

‘I said no to Kelley too, but she forced me! It was like I was handcuffed to that board!’

Kelley snorted and shook her head. ‘If that was true, you might have fallen off a little less.’ Press laughed uproariously, and even Alex could see the humour in the situation. ‘I wish that I had been able to film it.’ She claimed wistfully, prompting more laughter and teasing from the other two.

‘I’m more glad than anything that you couldn’t, dick.’ Alex shoved her as she spoke, but had to reach out and grab Kelley as she flailed in an attempt not to fall off. 'What was that you said about co-ordination, Kell?'

After reminiscing about goals, they turned to the prospect of the new league. They were all incredibly excited for it, but there was that underlying fear that it wouldn't work out. A failed league could put there further of women's soccer in more jeopardy than before — sometimes, these ventures were more harmful than helpful. Christen shrugged at one point in the conversation and said, 'I mean, that's true, but the USWNT just won an Olympics and we have a World Cup in three years. Even if the league collapses after a season, the Federation is going to want to keep the National Team on top. We can use that to force them into starting more ventures for women's soccer. How are we supposed to get training and practice if we aren't in regular season clubs?'

Alex nodded, but, playing devil's advocate, chipped in with, 'Yeah, but they could argue that we should just play abroad. I mean, Tobs went to PSG, and she's coming back for the league, but that's what they could force us into doing. How could we claim that we should stay in the US?'

'Make it out like it's their responsibility.' Kelley argued, leaning forward, her eyes glinting. 'Say that, if the USWNT is dominant, it looks shitty of the Federation to not have an established, dominant, women's national league. How can you claim to produce the best players in the world if they get their training overseas?'

Tobin frowned. 'US Soccer cares more about money than reputation, though. I mean, it's a good point, but if it isn't lucrative, we're fucked.'

That sobered the mood as they realised just how fragile their futures were. Playing soccer was all that Alex had ever wanted, since she could comprehend what it was to want. The idea of having to leave home on a permanent basis to do what she loved was a scary thought — she knew that sacrifices were necessary, but she had made her sacrifices. Every relationship that she had ever had always came second to soccer, every family event, every friend's birthday, every wedding, every commitment was superseded by soccer, and Alex wasn't sure what there was left to cut out for the sport. 

Playing internationally was a prospect, and maybe something she could use to further her game at some point, but she never wanted the situation in the US to reach a point where playing in Europe or Australia, where there were professional leagues that were shaky themselves, was something that she would have to do long-term. 

After that, things moved on to lighter topics, and Alex was happy to let her thoughts be preoccupied by other things. Once their laughter had calmed down, Press took a deep breath. ‘I think we should head back. It’s late and we’re pretty drunk.’

Tobin nodded, and leapt, surprisingly gracefully, off the stool to help Press off of hers.

‘Awe, what a gentleman, even when she’s drunk.’ Kelley teased, stumbling to get down herself, and made Christen and Tobin blush. 

‘You’re such a bully, O’Hara.’ Tobin grumbled. ‘Why am I even friends with you.’

Kelley stuck out her tongue childishly. ‘Because you love me too much to leave me.’

Christen rolled her eyes. ‘Stick to Alex, leave Tobin’s love for me.’

Her statement left Kelley shocked, and the three of them giggled at Kelley’s astonished reaction. ‘Sick burn, Chris.’ Alex commended her with a high five. ‘Please don’t leave me to deal with her, though.’

‘You’re the idiot living with her.’ Tobin pointed out. 

Kelley pointed, scrambling to defend herself. ‘Hey! I’m the best housemate! Alex, come on.’

‘Kelley’s the worst person to live with in the world.’ Alex said with a perfectly straight face. ‘She eats all my ice cream and watches The Bachelor without me just to be mean.’

Christen got a perfect photo of Kelley’s offended expression before falling into uncontrollable giggles. 

The fresh night air was slightly sobering, but the four of them were definitely still pretty drunk as they stumbled back to Alex and Kelley’s apartment. ‘You two can stay here.’ Kelley said as she unlocked the door on her fourth try. ‘Take my room, and I’ll take the couch.’

Alex rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be an idiot, Kelley. We can share my room.’

Tobin shrugged. ‘Either way, I’m going the fuck to bed. I’m beat.’

She turned to Kelley’s room and wearily made her way through the door, not even turning around when Alex yelled after her, ‘Drink some damn water, Heath!’ Press followed Tobin, assuring her that she would get Tobin some water and aspirin, and then the door clicked shut and Alex and Kelley were left stood by the front door in surprising silence. 

‘I can take the couch if you want, Al. It’s okay, I swear.’ Kelley reiterated, but once more, Alex shook her head and refused. 

‘Don’t be dumb. Come on.’ She grabbed Kelley’s hand, ignoring the way that their fingers interlinked in such a natural way, and led her to her room. ‘Do you really think that I’m gonna let you sleep on that couch? You complain about the lumps in it every damn evening — we would never hear the end of it tomorrow.’

Kelley laughed slightly and allowed herself to be tugged along, to Alex’s happiness. Once they were in her room, Alex turned her back, grabbing an old t-shirt and shorts and changing quickly once she had thrown another pair to Kelley, who gave a nod of thanks. 

It was already dark in the room when they both slipped into the bed, Alex strangely aware of the presence of another body in her usually empty bed. It was odd to have someone occupy the cold side of her bed, but when she felt Kelley’s smooth skin press into hers as she shuffled around, and the gentle warmth radiated by the shorter girl, Alex found herself grinning even as she slipped into sleep.

\--

Seeing as Alex’s parents lived so close, she decided that it would be a good idea to drag Kelley to meet them one weekend. Jeri and Jen were home for the weekend as well, so she knew that it was the opportune time to introduce one of the favourite people to her family. 

It was weird being in Diamond Bar again, seeing all the familiar parts of where she had grown up, when nothing there had changed but Alex felt like she was entirely different person. 

When she had been a little kid, she had dreamed of becoming an Olympic champion, of playing in the World Cup, of being able to do what she loved for a living. Alex was astounded every day that she had achieved that dream, but driving around Diamond Bar brought that all back in a strange way. 

Over the gear stick, Kelley took her hand and met her gaze with a comforting smile. ‘Chill, Al. I can feel you overthinking from here. What’s got you so on edge?’

Alex shrugged. Even just looking at Kelley seemed to make her nerves dissipate slightly. Everything was always easier with Kelley. ‘I don’t know. It’s just weird being back here after London.’

Kelley snorted. ‘I get that. I went back to Peachtree after London and it was fucking trippy, dude. Like, that small town mindset is so strange to me now.’ Kelley was quiet for a moment, before chuckling and continuing. ‘To be fair, it always was.’

She looked at the other girl curiously. ‘What do you mean?’

An odd expression crossed Kelley’s face, as if the other girl was realising that she had said too much, or that Alex had asked the wrong question. ‘Just that, being in Georgia especially, there’s a certain expectation from everyone of how people should be and act. One that I guess I never really fit into.’

Kelley shrugged, as it was simple, but Alex got the sense that there was a lot being left intentionally unsaid. ‘You know, you can tell me anything.’ She said, her voice light but words purposeful. Kelley didn’t reply, and Alex didn’t force anything. 

They had pretty much reached her parents’ house anyway, and Alex let out a sigh when they pulled up in front of it. ‘Ready to meet the Morgans? I can’t promise they don’t bite.’ Alex joked with a smile.

‘Oh, is that where you got that scar on your hand then?’ Kelley teased. 

‘You joke, but you’re right.’ Alex laughed at the pale expression that materialised on her friend’s face. ‘Calm down, Jeri is well out of her biting days, though she is still probably competitive enough to get violent. 

‘Can I get some context to that?’ Kelley asked, looking worried as the two of them got out the car and made their way to the front door.. 

Alex shrugged. ‘I think we were playing Monopoly or something, and Jeri was losing. I owned the property that she landed on when she had run out of money, and she started arguing, trying to get out paying. It escalated and by the end of it, I was bleeding, she was crying and we weren’t allowed to play Monopoly anymore.’

Kelley looked at her with wide eyes and stopped Alex from opening the door with a hand on her arm. ‘Isn’t Jeri older than you?’

She nodded, laughing slightly at the shocked expression. ‘Chill, Kel. They aren’t going to beat you up the second you walk through the door. Have you never gotten competitive with Erin or something?

Laughing, Kelley shook her head. ‘Yeah, but not like that. All my scars were inflicted by either my own stupidity or on the soccer field.’

Alex made a face. ‘Soccer has destroyed my body.’

‘Dude, you’re like 23.’ Kelley snorted. ‘If you’re saying that now, you’re career is fucked, and the future of the National Team is going down the drain as we speak.’

She shoved her friend gently. ‘How do you manage to compliment me even when you’re teasing me? I never know how to respond.’

Kelley shrugged. ‘Even your stupidity can’t ruin your talent.’

‘You’re an asshole.’

Before a retort could come, the door swung open, to reveal Alex’s mother standing there, hand on her hip and an unimpressed expression. ‘Are you two planning on spending the whole day on the doorstep.’

‘We were seriously considering it, Mom.’ Alex said, shrugging, as she stepped through the door and pulled her mother in for a hug. 

‘You must be Kelley.’ Alex’s dad suddenly appeared from behind her mom, and stepped forward to shake Kelley’s hand. ‘Welcome to Casa Morgan.’

Alex groaned as she pulled away from her mom, and sent a gentle punch at her dad’s shoulder. ‘I told you to stop saying that.’

‘I don’t listen.’ Her father retorted, rather childishly.

Kelley laughed. ‘It’s good to meet you, Mr and Mrs Morgan.’

To Kelley’s evident surprise, judging from her expression, both parents pulled a face and Alex shook her head at Kelley. ‘Please,’ her mom began, ‘call us Mike and Pam.’

Alex could see from the expression on Kelley’s face that there was no way that was going to happen. ‘She’s from Georgia, guys, they have over-formality ingrained into their genes.’

Kelley turned to her in mock offense. ‘At least no-one in Georgia is that rude to their guests. Honestly, Alex. It’s obvious you were raised well so there’s no excuse.’

Her mom laughed, and Alex grimaced. ‘Oh, Kelley, you can come over anytime.’ She said gleefully, sending Alex a victorious look. ‘The other girls will love you too if you take Alex down like that.’

‘All the time, Mom. I live with a bully.’ Alex grumbled, but her mom swatted her arm. 

‘Nonsense. You need taking down a peg or two, Ms World Champion.’

Alex blushed and grimaced. This was a mistake. 

Kelley shot her a victorious look as she was led through the entryway and into the actual house. ‘Sorry, Alex, I guess your parents just prefer me.’

Jeni piped in then, from her position from the couch. ‘Everyone is better than little Al, so I don’t blame them.’ 

Kelley turned to the new girl, a little caught off guard, and Alex quickly moved to stand by her friend’s side. ‘Jeni, this is Kelley.’ She introduced the two of them before turning to her sister. ‘Where’s Jeri?’

Jeni turned back to the television, answering distractedly, ‘Uh, out at the store, I think. She’ll be back soon, don’t worry. I know I’m second best. Third best to your new wife Kelley.’

‘Shut up, idiot.’ Alex said, swatting her sister in the back of the head. ‘I missed you.’

‘Oh, yeah, I’m sure London sucked without me.’ She teased, getting to her feet to finally greet her sister. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t come out for you.’ 

Alex shook her head after she pulled away from the hug. ‘Don’t be dumb. You had to work.’

‘Yeah.’ Jeni frowned, regret painted across her face despite the multiple reassurances that Alex had given her since Jeni had broken the news that she wouldn't be able to come out to London, though she had watched every second of every match that Alex played in. ‘Congrats though. To you both.’ She felt a warm feeling of appreciation in her stomach for her sister when she acknowledged Kelley too.

‘You know, Kelley played every minute of every game in London.’ Alex said, giving Kelley a friendly shove as the other girl blushed. She looked at the other girl, who avoided the appraising eyes of Alex’s family. ‘And she was playing in a position that was pretty much brand new to her.’

‘Sounds like she’s way better than you, then, Al.’ Jeni teased, laughing at Alex’s affronted expression.

Her mock-offense didn’t last long though, with Alex feeling her expression melt into one of affection as she caught Kelley’s eye. ‘I mean, you’re not wrong.’ She said softly, more to Kelley than to anyone else.

She snapped back to reality, a blush covering her cheeks as she moved toward the kitchen and her mother. ‘Can I help with anything, Mom?’

‘Nope! Why don’t you give Kelley a tour, though?’ She suggested, and Alex shrugged. 

‘Care to see the rest of “Casa Morgan”? Alex asked, smiling at Kelley’s beaming expression. 

‘Lead the way, Captain Morgan.’ She teased, and Alex rolled her eyes. 

‘You wouldn’t believe the amount of shit I got in college about that.’ She grumbled as she pulled Kelley towards the stairs. ‘I got some free rum for it from guys in bars though, so I guess it worked out.’

Kelley grinned, the kind of genuine smile that always made the shorter girl’s eye’s crinkle. ‘What a hardship.’

Alex frowned playfully. ‘Some of those guys were assholes, so yeah.’

Kelley rolled her eyes. ‘Just show me the house, Morgan.’

‘Aye, aye.’

First stop was Alex’s old bedroom. It still looked exactly how it did when Alex was still coming home from college and spending months of vacation in her childhood bedroom. The old posters were even still on the wall, the Backstreet Boys remaining stuck in their stupid poses.

‘Woah.’ Kelley breathed out, and Alex could tell from the glint in her eyes that this had been a mistake. 

‘I will stand for no teasing, because I know that your old room is probably just as bad.’

‘Well, I definitely wasn’t as obsessed with Nick Carter like you.’

Alex pouted. ‘Leave me alone.’ She flopped on the bed, looking up at her ceiling, the same one that she had spent so many nights staring at. ‘God, it’s so weird to be back here.’

‘Yeah?’ Kelley sat beside her, their hands brushing.

Alex nodded. ‘Especially with you.’

Kelley tilted her head questioningly, and she elaborated. ‘It’s just, you know, you occupy a very specific time in my life — vaguely in college, if you count my hatred of you, which I know you do,’ she acknowledged as Kelley grinned, ‘but mainly, you’re part of my life now. It’s weird to have a part of my life now be in my life from then.’

‘That makes sense.’ Kelley nodded. ‘I think I would have liked teenage Alex, though.’

She scoffed. ‘Really?’

Kelley shrugged and continued, surprisingly genuinely, ‘Well, she turned into you, so she can’t be that awful.’

For a moment, Alex just looked at Kelley, blushing, before she buried her head in her hands. ‘You’re such an asshole.’

‘Hey! That was me being nice!’

‘Only because you know I don’t know how to respond!’ Alex retorted, and Kelley grinned. 

Silence passed between them for a second, before Kelley spoke again. ‘Only partly though.’ At Alex’s quizzical look, she clarified. ‘I only do it to be an asshole partly. I also say it because it is true.’ She shrugged, before turning to inspect another part of the museum of Alex’s teenage years.

She stared at Kelley’s back, broad in the tight t-shirt she was wearing. Sometimes, she really confused Alex, just when she thought she had the other girl all figured out. Maybe Kelley was one of those people who always surprised you.

‘I bet I’d have liked teenage Kelley too.’ Alex said, her smile soft before it grew into a wicked smirk. ‘She can’t have been as much of an asshole as this Kelley is.’

Kelley laughed. ‘You’d think so, but I was a dickhead back then. Every adult in Peachtree hated me.’

‘What so like, three people? Your town is fucking tiny, dude.’

‘Hey, we’re technically a city.’ Alex rolled her eyes, and Kelley wacked her in protest. ‘Not everyone can live in California, asshole.’

‘How’d you terrorise Peachtree, then?’ Alex teased, prodding Kelley’s side. ‘Did you forget to say please once?’

Kelley frowned, and Alex got the sense that she had misstepped, once again. ‘Sorry, dude. You don’t have to say anything, it’s chill.’ Alex hurriedly tried to make amends, but she shook her head. 

‘No, it’s ok. I’ve been meaning to tell for a while anyway.’

Silence settled between them for a moment, and Alex focused on the distant noises of her family downstairs whilst Kelley gathered herself. ‘You know, I almost told you this when we came home from that bar the other day.’ Alex looked at her confused. 

‘Why didn’t you?’

Kelley snorted. ‘Dude, you passed out like immediately. You didn’t give me the chance.’ 

Alex laughed. ‘Sorry.’

The other girl shrugged. ‘It’s all good.’

Another beat of quiet passed as Kelley appeared to find the courage to say what it was she apparently had been trying to say for a while. ‘I’m gay, and the people of Peachtree were not cool with it.’

Kelley shrugged when Alex opened her mouth to say something, obviously concerned, and continued speaking before Alex could say anything. ‘It’s not a big deal. My family were never that shitty, but Georgia wasn’t exactly the best place to have sexuality epiphanies.’

‘Yeah, that tracks.’ Alex joked softly, and was relieved when Kelley cracked a smile. ‘Is that why you haven’t told the team?’

Once again, Kelley shrugged her shoulders. ‘To be honest, I’m not sure. I guess it’s made me value my privacy a little more in that way, but it’s not like I don’t trust the team. I mean, there’s Wambach and Pinoe to say the least, but I just can never seem to find the right time or words to say it.’ She laughed, a little self-deprecatingly, before gesturing around. ‘I mean, I didn’t exactly mean to confess this in your childhood bedroom of all places.’

Alex laughed too, briefly, before sobering. ‘Yeah, but it’s fine. I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell me at all. And if anyone does anything shitty, you let me know — I’ll beat them up for you.’ That was only partly a joke, but Kelley laughed anyway, so Alex was satisfied. 

‘Thanks, Al.’

‘Anytime.’

The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a little while, just appreciating the company of the other. Looking at Kelley, the other girl seemed truly content in a way that she hadn’t before — it seemed like her secret had been weighing on her significantly, and her heart ached for her friend. 

Before she could bring it up again, a shout from downstairs reminded Alex that she was at home, and that she actually had to socialise with her family. ‘Come on. Back into the Thunderdome.’

Kelley laughed, allowing Alex to corral her out of the room and into the hallway. ‘You know, for all the dread I felt about being bitten, your family is way chiller than I thought.’

‘That’s because we haven’t broken out the board games yet.’ Alex explained with a shrug. A brief look of panic passed over Kelley’s face, and Alex burst out laughing before heading down the stairs. ‘Chill, Kell.’

‘Al!’ Her sister cried, and Alex whipped her head round to see Jeri stood by the kitchen door. She made her way over to her sister quickly, wrapping her in her arms. 

‘Jeri!’ She squealed with equal glee, before pulling away. ‘I haven’t seen you in ages!’

Her sister grinned. ‘That’s your fault, asshole. You’re the one who spent all summer in fucking London.’

‘Oh, yeah, sorry. Was I supposed to turn down the National Team at the Olympics to hang out with you?’

Jeri frowned. ‘Uh, duh, was that not clear enough?’

‘Shut up.’ 

Jeni piped up, still laid on the couch. ‘I like how Jeri gets a very excited reaction whilst you abused me the second you walked through the door, Al.’

‘Because Jeri’s my favourite.’ Alex explained simply, with a grin directed at Jeni. ‘You wish that you were as close as us.’

‘Actually, Jeni’s my favourite.’ Jeri retorted, deadpan expression as Alex turned around in mock offense and Jeni started crowing victoriously. 

Suddenly, Alex remembered Kelley, who was stuck hovering awkwardly at the end of the stairs and pulled her over. ‘Jeri, meet Kelley. She was in London with me.’

‘Cool.’ Jeri sent Kelley a warm smile, and stuck out a hand. ‘I’m the cooler Morgan, obviously, so you don’t have to pretend to put up with Alex anymore.’

Despite accepting the handshake, Kelley shook her head with a grin. ‘Nah, Alex knows too much about me at this point. I can’t let her leave me control or who knows what she’ll spill.’

Even though she knew that Kelley was joking, as seen by the grin on her face, Alex frowned slightly, hoping that the other girl knew that she would never spill anything about her being gay to anyone. ‘What kind of gossip do you think I am.’

Kelley shoved her in the side. ‘You and Abby are like a couple of old women chattering away about everything. Don’t lie, Morgan.’ She teased, though she sent Alex a genuine look of reassurance afterwards. Alex hoped that meant that Kelley knew Alex wasn’t going to be spilling her secrets anytime soon, and nodded. 

‘Fair enough.’ She shrugged. ‘But that’s just because Abby has a bad influence on me.’

‘Sure.’ Kelley rolled her eyes. ‘It’s all Wambach’s fault. Pretty sure you aren’t allowed to denounce the face of women’s soccer, Al. Even if you are her up and coming replacement.’

Alex swatted Kelley in the back of the head. ‘Are you trying to get kicked out before dinner even starts?’

‘Definitely not, but your parents would never let you kick me out. They love me already.’ Kelley teased, smirking victoriously when shouts of confirmation came from both her mother and father in the kitchen. 

‘Why is this whole family against me?’ Alex pouted as she flopped on the couch next to Jeni, shoving her older sister’s legs aside slightly. 

Her sister rolled her eyes and kicked Alex slightly as she rested her feet on her lap in protest. ‘Because you’re an asshole, Alex.’

Kelley perched on the arm of the couch and wrapped an arm around Alex. ‘Nah, you know you’re my favourite, Patricia.’

At the mention of her cursed middle name, Alex shoved Kelley off of her perch, laughing when the other girl squealed slightly.

‘You deserved that, Maureen.’ She teased, smirking at the girl who glared up at her from the ground. 

‘You really are an asshole, Alex. What if I injured my ankle, huh? Would you be willing to explain to New Jersey that their new National Team defender wouldn’t be able to play thanks to an injury inflicted by the enemy in Portland?’ 

Alex squinted at her. ‘I’m pretty sure they’d be chil — they’ve got Christie too, right?’

Kelley grumbled out a ‘yeah,’ as she pulled herself to her feet and Alex laughed victoriously. ‘That’s not the point though, ass.’

‘Really? Because it sounds like everything would be fine.’ Alex teased, before more affection seeped into her voice. ‘Besides, if you were injured and couldn’t play for Sky Blue, I’d be able to take you to Portland with me.’

Kelley’s features softened, and she sat back on the arm of the couch, closer to Alex, with their skin pressing together. ‘Yeah, that’s true. Next time I’m up, remind me to trip over and hurt my ankle.’ This was one of the rare times when Kelley’s half-compliments sounded genuine rather than teasing and Alex grinned up at the other girl. ‘Will do.’ Kelley wrapped and arm around Alex’s shoulders and pulled her closer. 

'You two are more domestic and married than most couples I know.' Jeni snorted, without taking her eyes off of the television, and Alex rolled her eyes, swatting at her sister and barely acknowledging the truth in her statement.

For a moment, Alex entertained the idea of staying with Kelley, of playing together constantly, of living together again. She found the idea weirdly appealing, despite how much she hated it when Kelley didn’t wash up, or when she woke up way too early and woke Alex up with all her noise, or when the other girl snored so loud that Alex was able to hear her from her own room. 

Despite all the reasons she jokingly complained about, and all the reasons she said made Kelley an awful roommate, Alex knew that she would be sad when their time in LA came to an end. She knew that it would be weird, lining up on the pitch and having Kelley wear the opposing team’s colours again. 

She knew that it would take a lot of adjusting to get used to life without Kelley again, but she wasn’t sure that she wanted to even consider a world where Kelley wasn’t a major part of her life.

**\-- January 2015 --**

The bar that Alex had stumbled into was hazy with smoke and people, and Alex’s head was jumbled from the alcohol that she, admittedly, probably shouldn’t have been drinking — she had training in the morning. 

Still, music was blaring, and her blood was slowing turning into alcohol considering how much she had drunk, and Alex was tired of being sensible. Being sensible and taking the safe route had never given her much. 

Being sensible had left her with unrequited feelings for her best friend and zero hope when it came to moving on. 

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket, but didn’t bother fishing it out and checking — it was probably just one of her teammates asking how her Christmas and New Year had gone. She wasn’t going to admit that she had spent Christmas with her family, and New Year’s achingly alone. Alex didn’t even entertain the possibility of it being Kelley texting her. She didn’t have the energy to think about that right now, and what was the point in causing herself more pain than necessary, right?

‘You look a little worse for wear. Can I get you some water?’ Alex heard a voice yell at her over the volume of the music and she looked around until she locked eyes with a guy a couple of seats away at the bar. 

He looked vaguely familiar and he was smiling in a way that she found strangely comforting. It was like Alex remembered seeing him from a dream or something — a hazy combination of features that she knew she had seen before, but didn’t have the presence of mind, nor, frankly, the will, to place.

‘Sure.’ she agreed, chuckling slightly. 

He kept smiling, eyes crinkled in a way that Alex refused to let remind her of Kelley. 

Mystery Man called the bartender over and in what felt like a split second, a tall glass of water was gently place in front of Alex. She raised the drink at Man in a gesture of thanks, and he nodded his head in return. 

‘I guess you don’t recognise me much, though you haven’t changed.’ 

Alex frowned, and turned to Mystery Man. ‘What are you talking about?’

He laughed, a little self-deprecatingly. ‘It’s okay. It’s Servando.’

Something clicked in Alex at the sound of that name. ‘Serv! From college!’ She lit up, pointing at him excitedly. ‘Man, it’s been so long.’

‘Yeah, I guess it has.’

‘Sorry for not recognising you. To be honest, I’m a bit too drunk to even know my own name right now, so don’t take it too personally.’

Servando laughed. ‘It’s okay. I understand — its a new beard.’ He joked, and Alex genuinely laughed, rather than forcing a polite impression of amusement. 

‘True.’

‘I must say, you’re doing admirably if you’re that drunk — you’re barely swaying.’

Alex made a face at him, sticking her tongue out, and she had to admit that it felt nice when he laughed. The guy was pleasant enough company, and the alcohol in her system kept her just drunk enough to remain amused by him. 

‘You’ve certainly done well for yourself since Cal.’ Servando commented, a raised eyebrow indicating that he knew exactly what she’d been up to.

Alex laughed a little at that, darker than before. ‘Up till I screwed my ankle.’

‘Ah, at least it wasn’t your knee this time.’ She chuckled a little at the remark, though she was normally far more apprehensive about thinking about her ACL injury. ‘Besides, you’ll be back on your feet soon enough.’

‘Yeah, I’m back in training.’

Servando made a noise, gesturing wildly with his spare hand as he took a swig of his own drink. ‘See!’ He exclaimed after swallowing. ‘Can’t keep Alex Morgan down for long.’

‘Something like that.’ She mumbled, thoughts trailing back to the exact subject that she had decided to get drunk enough to forget about — Kelley. 

What else?

She hadn’t seen her since CONCACAF, and had kept contact to a minimum. Kelley, to her credit, had tried, but Alex passed off her attempts to distance herself as needing time to process and work through her ankle injury. 

In true Kelley fashion, the other girl had attempted to insist on supporting Alex, but it seemed she had got the message after she stopped replying to Kelley’s texts.

‘Something else up?’ Servando asked, his tone casual but slightly concerned. 

She had heard similar iterations of the same question all through the holiday, and Alex was pretty sick of it by now. Still, something about him, a not-quite stranger, seemed easier to unload on than someone she was actually close to.

‘Hung up on someone.’

‘Ah.’ He nodded his head sagely, taking another sip of his drink. ‘That’s rough. What’s up with them? Who wouldn’t want _the_ Alex Morgan?’

His slightly teasing tone, combined with his careful phrasing so as not to restrict this ‘someone’ to only being a guy, made Alex smile more than she had all night. 

‘You going to say it’s their loss?’ Alex asked wryly.

Servando chuckled. ‘Well, I was, but it seems you beat me to it.’

This was easy. Easier than anything she had done in a while. Even drunk, Alex still managed to dredge up some memories of her old college friend, and even back when they had been dumb and young and even stupider than now, Servando had always been easy to talk to. As two soccer players, they ran in the same circles. 

This chance meeting, purely coincidental, seemed to be the universe finally trying to make up for the shit that it was putting Alex through with the whole Kelley IssueTM.

‘I dunno, Serv. I think I’m batting out of my league here.’ She sighed, taking another drink of her water. The subject was making her want to get another drink, but she knew it was probably time to sober up.

‘Stick to soccer, not baseball, Alex. You’re the top league.’ Servando joked, a twinkle in his eye. ‘You always had the pick of whoever you wanted at college.’

‘And the irony is now that the one person I want doesn’t want me.’ Alex frowned, a little bitter. She shrugged, running a hand over her brow. ‘Whatever. It’s chill, man.’ She forced out, the words biting and sharp.

Servando didn’t reply for a couple moments, appearing to think things over. ‘So, what’s your plan?’

‘Huh?’

‘Come on, Alex. We were friendly enough in college for me to know that you always know what you’re going to do about these things. It’s not like you to give up.’

Alex laughed a little. ‘Yeah, well, this is new. I never felt like this in college.’

‘Like what?’

‘So utterly hopeless and lost.’ She mumbled, a little ashamed of the words even leaving her lips. 

Servando shrugged. ‘So, change it.’

‘What?’

‘Change what’s making you feel hopeless. Can’t feel like that if you’ve got a plan, right?’

Alex scoffed slightly. ‘I guess, but I don’t even know where to start.’

‘I’ll help you. Tell me about whoever is special enough to finally make Alex Morgan fall in love — I’ve watched enough people try to be that person, so I’m at least curious to know what finally did it, even if you don’t want my help.’

‘Dude, at this point, I’ll try anything.’ She snorted, before going quiet for a moment. She drained the last of her water, setting the glass down and turning to Servando. 

His eyes were clear, expression open and Alex knew that he was the right guy for this — they were both similar enough to how they were in college for him to serve as a sounding board for whatever stupid ideas she had for wooing Kelley.

‘First of all, her name is Kelley.’

Servando spluttered slightly. ‘Kelley? As in, Kelley O’Hara? The girl you are very publically best friends with?’

Alex sighed and nodded. ‘I’m a total cliche, aren’t I?’

‘Kind of, but whatever.’ Servando laughed. ‘I’ll forgive you for that. So, what’s so special about Miss O’Hara that you’re hung up on her?’

‘Hard to say, really.’ Alex admitted. ‘There’s not one specific overarching reason. It’s more, just, the entirety of who she is. Her drive, her humour, her passion. All of it. She’s just the most remarkable person I think I’ve ever met.’

Servando fixed her with an appraising look. ‘Alex, I’ve never heard you wax such poetry about anyone.’ His gaze softened. ‘You’re really in love with her, aren’t you.’

Alex swallowed hard, fighting against the lump of emotion in her throat, and nodded. ‘Yeah.’ She said softly, voice cracking with the weight of her feelings for Kelley. ‘I really am.’

Sympathy radiated from Servando’s soft smile, and he nudged her gently. ‘Hey, come on. There’s no point getting all sad about it. Love isn’t supposed to hurt.’

‘This does, though.’ Alex scoffed. ‘It hurts when it’s unreciprocated.’

‘You can’t know that for sure.’ Servando protested gently. ‘Look, I told you we’d come up with a plan, and we’re going to. Don’t give up now. The Alex I knew never let something she wanted get away, no matter what.’

Alex laughed bitterly. ‘That girl is long gone.’

‘She doesn’t have to be.’

She turned to look at him. ‘Alright.’ Alex said after a moment. ‘What’s your grand idea then, Mr Smooth Talker?’

He laughed. ‘You’re the one in love with her. What do you think she’d appreciate?’

Alex groaned frustratedly. ‘That’s exactly the issue. I do everything right. She’s my best friend, so she only ever takes what I do as me reciprocating friendship rather than anything else.’

Servando chuckled. ‘So, make her see you in a different light.’

‘What do you mean?’

He shrugged. ‘If it hasn’t even occurred to her that you’re a prospect, make her consider you as such.’

‘How am I supposed to do that?’ Alex frowned. 

Servando smiled. ‘Date someone.’

Alex laughed. ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’

He held his hands up in surrender as she wacked him in arm. ‘I promise I’m not,’ he laughed, ‘this will genuinely work.’

‘So, what? I’m just supposed to magic up a significant other out of nowhere, whilst being rather obviously in love with someone else? Who’d be willing to do that shit?’

There was a beat of silence, before Alex turned sharply to face Servando, a frown plastered across her face. Even alcohol didn’t make her stupid enough to think that what she though Servando was suggesting was a good idea.

‘No.’

‘_Alex_—’

‘Servando, no! This is insane! I’m not going to force myself to date someone’

He grinned, something anyone else would find charming, but she rolled her eyes. ‘It’ll work!’

Alex grimaced. ‘It’s a terrible idea.’

‘It’s a brilliant idea.’

‘It’s a _terrible_ idea.’

‘Alex, what’s your better plan, then? Please, if you’ve got any ideas, speak up!’ He smirked smugly when silence was all that Alex could come up with. 

Asshole. 

‘That doesn’t make this a good idea.’ Alex grumbled. 

Servando shrugged. ‘The way I see it is that you don’t have any other choice.’ His words were frank and blunt. ‘You’re screwed if you don’t, doomed to live your life languishing in unreciprocated love, so why not try?’

‘What if I lose her?’ Alex’s words were soft, and she was all too aware of the quiet fear that leaked into it. ‘I don’t know if I can handle that.’

‘I think you’ll lose her either way.’ Servando admitted quietly. He stared at his drink rather than Alex. ‘You’re isolating yourself, it’s obvious.’ He told her with a wry smile twisting his lips. ‘That’s gonna hurt the relationship regardless.’

Alex didn’t say anything for a while. ‘I still don’t think this is right.’

Servando nodded. ‘I know, but, in the grand scheme, what are you going to regret more: settling for something other than the person you wanted more than anything, or trying as hard as you could to get exactly what it was that you wanted?’

Her lack of response was all the answer that Servando needed and he nodded, a satisfied expression plastered across his face. ‘Besides, you’re not doing to be forcing yourself to date someone. You’re going to be pretending to date me.’

Maybe if it hadn’t been for the alcohol that she’d been throwing back all night. 

Maybe if it hadn’t been for running into Servando, out of everyone in the world.

Maybe if it hadn’t been for Alex being in a low point in terms of morale, in terms of her hope of moving on from this. She knew that Kelley was someone that she was stuck on and she didn’t see the other girl admitting feelings for Alex any time soon — if so, Kelley was remarkably good at hiding her feelings. 

‘Alright.’ And she got the sinking feeling that that was the word that would condemn her as Servando’s face lit up and he held out his hand for her to shake — a sealing of a deal. 

Doubt still lingering in her chest, she stuck out her own hand, clasped his and they shook on it. 

The deal was done, and Alex was pretty sure that she had just made the worst decision of her life, even as the alcohol in her system rushed up in her chest and forced her to escape to the bathroom.

**\-- March 2014 --**

There was something truly awful about recovery — it was heartbreaking in every sense of the word.

Alex was camped out on her couch, ankle propped up on some pillows as she watched the National Team play in Portugal on some shaky stream. Thanks to an ankle injury that she managed to sustain at the beginning of the year in training, she was stuck at home whilst all her friends played in the Algarve Cup. 

She couldn’t even focus on the upcoming NWSL season, nor train for it, because she was still in recovery — the most torturous sort of limbo for any athlete. The injury was not serious enough to risk her career as a whole by any stretch of the imagination, but Alex knew as well as any other player did that if recovery wasn’t taken seriously, she could doom herself for the season, and potentially for even longer. 

Portland had won the Championship last year — any potential impact she could have on the obtaining of another title this year for her club was not something that she was willing to risk, nor was her career in general. If that meant waiting a few more weeks to return to training, and enduring the familiar toils of recovery and rehab, then so be it. That was how it was going to have to be. 

Still, there was a pang of frustration and annoyance as she watched the stream, seeing her friends and teammates lose to Sweden. That should have been a match that they could win — the US was supposed to be the top team in the world, not the sort of team that suffered from shock defeats. 

They were heading into a World Cup next year, and they had to establish a sense of dominance early on — this wasn’t the way that they should do that. 

Kelley’s face appeared on her screen, frustration painted across her features as Christen wrapped an arm around her shoulders, a futile attempt at comfort. Kelley had a bad habit of blaming every goal that the opposition managed to score on herself, even when there was nothing more that she could have done. Alex ached to be beside her, with the rest of the team, able to fight with them and make sure that they never had cause to feel like this again. 

Once the game was over, it wasn’t long until Alex’s phone started vibrating incessantly. She fished it out from beneath the couch cushions to see that it was her sister calling her. 

‘Jeri?’

‘Looks like your team needs you more than we though, Al.’ The teasing started almost immediately and Alex rolled her eyes. 

‘Don’t be a dick, Jer.’ She retorted. ‘They should have played better. I don’t know what the fuck Tom is doing.’

‘You think that it’s a coaching issue?’

Alex nodded, though her sister couldn’t see that. ‘Yeah. That match just ended a 2 year, 43-game unbeaten streak. After Pia left, we haven’t been the same.’ It was true, rather than being an easy way out. She had watched, at this point from the sidelines, as her teammates suffered due to the decisions being made by Tom and his staff, and she was frustrated with the results. ‘If you ask me, US Soccer needs to step in.’

‘You want him gone?’ There wasn’t much surprise in Jeri’s tone, but it was a drastic measure. 

‘I think it’s best.’ Alex confirmed, and her sister let out a long sigh on the other end of the line. The worst part was that there was little that they could do: as players, especially as women players, US Soccer had a habit of ignoring their needs and opinions, but she hoped that the team’s success rate beforehand would prove that their losses were a result of poor coaching. 

‘Are you still waiting to hear if you’ll be ready to go for April?’

Alex frowned, rubbing at her brow. ‘I should be, seeing as I haven’t had any major setbacks with my ankle. Still, better to be careful, I guess. I don’t want to risk anymore time off than necessary, nor do I want to make this fucker worse.’

Jeri laughed, the sound turning into static across the line through the tinny speakers of her phone. ‘Only you would care more about getting back on the field than your actual health. Take it easy, Al, or you’ll regret it.’

Alex scowled before retorting playfully, ‘I think you’ll find that my career concerns are well founded — it’s not like I have a 9 to 5 job that has a steady income.’

‘I know. Women’s sports are treated awfully. You know the women’s hockey league is barely paid enough to live on? They had to get regular jobs whilst playing in the top tier league.’

‘Wait, so, you’re a hockey fan but not a soccer fan? Betrayal, Jeri.’ Alex teased. 

Jeri laughed. ‘I’m just a fan for you, Al. Gotta support Baby Morgan after all.’

Alex grumbled good-naturedly, before she heard an insistent ping from her phone. ‘Wait, I think that might be Kelley or Tobin. Can I call you back?’

‘Sure, sure, just ditch your sister.’ Jeri faked hurt. ‘Take care of yourself, Alex. For real. I’ll talk to you later.’

‘Yeah, I will.’ She absentmindedly promised. ‘See ya, Jeri.’

The call was over before she had barely pulled the phone from her ear and she was already frantically looking through her messages for any texts from the team. It hurt her to not be with them, going through the matches and the highs and lows of the competition. 

Alex had a couple texts from the team, with Tobin and Christen asking after her ankle, Syd had sent her a link to a truly awful article about Tom before the match, but her first concern was the text from Kelley, asking her to call. 

She had her FaceTime app open before she could read any of the other messages. It didn’t take long for Kelley to reply, still covered in a thin sheen of sweat, but obviously leaving the locker room judging from the towel and bag slung across her shoulder. 

‘Hey, Lex.’ There was a soft smile across Kelley’s face as she picked up, and Alex wasn’t sure if it was real or not following the loss. 

‘Hey, Kell. I watched the game.’

‘I wish you hadn’t.’ Kelley joked, a furrow in her brow. ‘I can’t believe we lost.’

Alex scoffed. ‘At this point, I’m not surprised, considering everything.’

Kelley smirked but shook her head. ‘I’ve got you on speaker, so you’re going to have to keep it down, Al. Don’t want to get into any more trouble, do you?’

‘Please. You obviously need me.’ She teased lightly. 

Abby’s face suddenly popped into frame, obviously snatching the phone away from Kelley, a fake frown on her face. ‘Are you saying you’re better than us, Baby Horse? Getting a bit big for your boots there, huh?’

Alex laughed, before replying, ‘You’re just getting old, Abs. Give it up already.’

The veteran player put a hand to her chest playfully. ‘Your words wound, Morgan. You gotta respect your elders.’

‘Then learn to put a ball in the net.’

Wambach laughed. ‘Tough crowd, but fair enough.’ Then, just as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone again, with Alex being give a view of the sky as the phone was passed back, before Kelley’s mischievous grin filled the frame once more. 

‘You should hurry back, though, Alex. I don’t think we can last much longer considering Wambach’s knees will give out any day now.’ Kelley told her, voice much louder than necessary, and Alex was given a front seat view to Kelley getting a shin pad thrown at her head from Abby, the other girl squawking and laughing as she tried to duck and dodge. 

Despite herself, Alex grinned. Even when she wasn’t there, it was good to see the team in high spirits, confident in the fact that they had fought as hard as they could and any problems were not lying with them. 

There was a sense of satisfaction and comfort as she watched them joke around and laugh, and Alex, after talking to Kelley for a while longer, ended the call with a warm feeling in her chest, feeling a lot less lonely in her empty apartment than before.

**\-- December 2015 --**

The taste of bile was bitter in Alex’s mouth, and she grimaced as she swallowed heavily. Nothing was more bitter than the constant ache of the knowledge that they had just lost, however. Lost a game that meant that their 104 home game unbeaten streak was officially over. They’d lost Abby’s last game — which wasn’t exactly the send off they’d planned for her. China walked away with a 1-0 win, satisfied with a victory that devastated the fragile pride of the National Team. They had beaten the same team only three days ago, but the game in Arizona suddenly felt millennia ago.

Sat in the locker room, which was uncharacteristically silent, Alex caught sight of Kelley, and felt her heart sink lower than she thought that it could. The other girl’s eyes were hard, and she could tell that Kelley was just as irritated with the loss as she was, but, looking at her, hunched over her knees, Alex suddenly realised that China was the furthest thing from her mind. 

‘Okay, this shit is going to get old really quickly. Let’s get fucking drunk.’ JJ announced, throwing her towel into her locker with a flourish. She looked around the room expectantly. ‘It was one loss. We’ve lost before. Yeah, it was Wambach’s last game,’ as she spoke, JJ threw a sock at the veteran player, who was beaming despite it all, ‘but look at this fucker! She’s fine! So, let’s get our asses to a bar, drink till we want to die, and then go the fuck home for Christmas.’

Alex wasn’t opposed to the idea, but there was a certain weariness in her bones that she couldn’t shake. Still, knowing that she would regret this once she actually begun drinking and couldn’t restrain her thoughts anymore, Alex stood, nodding. ‘She has a point.’

JJ pointed, aggressively and empathetically, at her. ‘See! Alex gets it. Let’s get hammered, then who will give a shit about China? Or Abby Wambach for that matter,’ she teased, laughing when Abby started grumbling and frowning, happy to play along. Most of the others shrugged and agreed, gathering their things and joking along with Julie and Abby, but Alex admittedly was watching only one person. Kelley still hadn’t looked up, and despite the fact that there was nothing she could have done, Alex knew that Kelley was blaming herself. 

She sat on the bench next to her, every movement careful and considered as she stared at her knees rather than her friend next to her. ‘You know it wasn’t your fault.’

‘Doesn’t mean that I couldn’t have done something else to change it.’ Kelley scoffed, shaking her head. The words were aggressive, but Alex knew that they weren’t aimed at her, but rather at Kelley herself. 

Alex rolled her eyes. ‘You don’t have to be the hero all the time, asshole. Leave a little credit for everyone else.’ Kelley laughed, soft and quietly, but Alex felt a sense of satisfaction and pride rear its head. ‘Come on, let’s go get fucking wasted. I need to forget this game too. I can’t believe it’s Abby’s last match.’

Kelley sighed. ‘I know. Weird, isn’t it?’ 

No, what was weird was pretending that they were chill and friends when their kiss had been playing on a loop in Alex’s head for months. She was going insane, and it was all Kelley O’Hara’s fault.

To be fair, it was never going to be anyone else’s.

Alex nodded. ‘Yeah. I guess we’ll get used to it though.’ She shrugged as she continued. ‘Besides, it’s not like she’s going to disappear from our lives. Friendship isn’t confined to the soccer field.’

Kelley laughed along, but soon fell silent. ‘So, how are you and Serv?’

There it was. Alex tensed, looking away from Kelley. She resisted the urge to sigh. Everything that she could think to say would go down badly, so she stuck to shrugging. ‘We’re fine.’ She plastered a smile on her face and watched Kelley’s expression morph slightly. 

Eventually, she seemed to settle on cheerful happiness, and Alex tried to ignore the way that her heart sunk in response. ‘That’s great!’ Neither of them brought up the subject that they both were avoiding — they had been skirting around it expertly since it happened, but now it was just becoming awkward.

Eventually, they headed out of the locker room, silence still reigning between them, and Alex felt like the tension was thick enough that it was choking her. They made their way out of the grounds and towards the bar that the team told them to head to. 

The cold December air was brisk and Alex soon saw Kelley shivering. ‘You’re too short, O’Hara.’ She quipped, trying for a smile as she looked at the other woman. ‘You lose heat too quickly.’

‘Shut up.’ Kelley laughed, arms folded tightly. Alex looked at the shorter woman before taking pity on her. She pulled her bag off of her shoulder, whipped her coat off quickly, and then handed it to Kelley. 

‘Here.’ She offered, small smile across her face. Kelley hesitated, an unsure expression painted across her face, and Alex felt her stomach swoop slightly. ‘Don’t make a big deal out of it, Kel.’ She sighed, emphatically shaking it as they walked. ‘Just take the damn jacket.’

Kelley smiled softly. ‘Thank you.’ 

Alex nodded, satisfied once the jacket was taken from her hands. The sleeves were a little long for the smaller woman but she pulled it tight across her body, looking warmer against the bracing cold wind. 

She didn’t want to think about the feeling in her stomach at Kelley wearing her clothes, even when it was just a coat. This was not the right time for her to have another fucking crisis about Kelley — things were awkward between them already, and Alex couldn’t make this any worse. 

Kelley was the most important thing in the world to her, and she didn’t even want to try and imagine a universe where she wasn’t friends with her — her stupid feelings weren’t worth risking the realtionship that she already had with Kelley. Not by a long shot. 

And with that, Alex resigned herself once and for all to moving on and acting like this meant nothing. 

Still, easier said than done.

\--

Alex was drunk from the moment that they entered the bar — or at least it seemed like that. She had been throwing back drinks for the past hour and a bit, and she was beginning to get a bit dizzy. Her phone buzzed in her back pocket, signalling an incoming text and she frowned, confused. 

Fishing it out, she checked the glowing screen, wincing against the brightness, and eventually managed to make out that it was Servando texting her. He was checking in after the match and making sure that she was alright, as well as asking if anything had happened with Kelley. 

Her friendship with him was probably the best thing that had happened to her personal life recently — talking to him about shit was different to talking to family or teammates. It felt like the stakes were lower, but she knew that Servando would always be on her side either way. 

He was her bro. Her best bro. 

She tapped out a response, telling him that she was more upset for Abby than anything else, and that things were still awkward with Kelley. Alex sighed as she locked her phone again, before she realised that the girl in question was hovering at her elbow, sending her an indecipherable look in the darkness of the bar. 

Over Kelley’s head, Alex caught sight of Tobin, staring at the two of them. She looked apprehensive and worried, and Alex hadn’t even told Tobin about the kiss between her and Kelley. She knew that would upset the delicate balance of the team. 

‘Alex.’ Kelley had to shout over the music. ‘We need to talk.’ Her words were slurred together slightly, and Alex, despite the amount of alcohol that she herself had consumed, felt a spike of worry make its way through her. She wasn’t sure if, at this current moment, they should be talking whilst drunk. Alex couldn’t let anything incriminating or exposing slip out, but she was a notoriously bad liar whilst drunk. 

‘Yeah?’ She asked, warily. ‘What about?’

Kelley scoffed, the action seeming more antagonistic and bitter than it ever had before. ‘You know exactly what this is about.’ Kelley accused, and Alex knew that she did. Alex nodded and gestured for Kelley to continue. 

The other girl didn’t meet her eyes, suddenly seeming nervous. Whatever confidence that her liquid courage had inspired apparently dissipated the moment that Alex actually faced Kelley. 

‘We kissed.’ 

The statement was short. Abrupt and no-nonsense. It almost sent Alex reeling with the suddenness that Kelley addressed exactly what they both had desperately been trying to avoid. ‘I’m aware.’ Alex tried for humour, a crooked smirk on her face, but Kelley didn’t laugh like she normally would. 

‘Did it mean anything to you?’ Kelley asked, and Alex’s heart sunk. Lying by omission by hiding her feelings was hard enough, but denying the way that she felt for Kelley to her face was far worse. She swallowed hard and looked down at the shorter girl, searching her face. The expression on Kelley’s face was clearly apprehensive, and Alex felt nausea erupt in her stomach. 

‘No.’ She muttered, so quietly that she was sure that Kelley wouldn’t even be able to hear it. Still, she watched relief flicker across Kelley’s face, and Alex felt like the walls were collapsing around her. She had never been confronted by such evidence for how unrequited her feelings were, and she was hit by the need to escape. But Kelley was still standing right there, smiling properly now, as if a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders. 

Alex had to get out of here before she said something that she knew she would regret. Tobin appeared next to her, like some sort of guardian angel, and clasped her elbow. ‘Hey, Kelley, can I steal Alex really quickly?’ Before the other girl could say anything, Tobin was already pulling Alex away from Kelley, throwing a thank you over her shoulder. 

‘Dude, you looked like you were going to cry, are you alright?’ Tobin asked as soon as they were out of Kelley’s earshot, concern evident in her expression. 

Alex shook her head numbly, still not quite recovered. ‘I’ll be fine, Tobs, but I think I need a drink. Or seven.’

Tobin frowned at her. ‘I don’t know if that’s the best idea.’ At the look that Alex shot her afterwards, however, she held up her hands in surrender and acquiesced. ‘It’s your liver’s funeral, Alex. But you know that you can tell me anything, right?’

Alex nodded, but made her way back towards the bar to get a drink anyway. She carefully avoided Kelley, coming up next to Wambach, Ali and Ashlyn. Despite the result of the game, and Abby’s time with the team coming to an end, they were all wide smiles and laughs. ‘Hey, guys.’ Alex began, softly, and they all turned to her. 

Abby’s eyes were warm and her smile was genuine when she greeted, and Alex was hit by the sudden realisation of just how much she would miss the older player now that she was retiring. She had defined women’s soccer in the US for so long that Alex wasn’t quite sure how they would proceed without her. 

Worries such as that seemed to be the furthest thing from Abby’s mind judging from her happiness though, so Alex just smiled in return and ordered another drink. She was intent on forgetting everything that had been dragging her down tonight, and that started with drinking till she couldn’t anymore. 

Alex never claimed that her coping mechanisms were healthy ones. 

The chatter coming from Ali, Ashlyn and Abby was easy enough, and Alex joined in with a small smile and jokes. This was so much more simple than everything else at the moment, so she tried to focus on it as much as she could, rather than letting her thoughts wander to the subject of Kelley. 

‘Have you got plans for retirement, Abs? Now that you’re old?’ Ali teased with a grin on her face, and the other woman laughed.

‘Not really. Just enjoy the lack of pressure and training for a while, I guess.’ She joked. Training wasn’t enjoyable for anyone, and Alex dreamed of the day when she could be rid of it — though that wasn’t strictly true seeing as she was pretty sure she was going to keep playing soccer until she physically couldn’t anymore. 

‘You’re going to be so bored, Wam. You can barely handle offseason.’ Ashlyn drawled. 

Abby shrugged. ‘I mean, probably. It’s weird to think about life without soccer. What would you all do?’

‘Coaching, probably.’ Ali frowned. ‘Though I’m hoping that’s not something I’ll be doing anytime soon.’ Soccer was not a stable profession, and they constantly ran the risk of injury or falling out of rosters. That fear existed at the back of every player’s mind, and Alex made a face at the reminder that, at some point, playing soccer wasn’t going to be what she did for a living anymore. It might not even be something that she would be able to do for fun. 

‘I’d have to put my degree to use in some way, I guess, but I’d probably coach for a while too.’ She said, shrugging. ‘I liked my studies but I have no idea what career I could go into with my degree.’

Ashlyn laughed. ‘Didn’t you do, like, political science or something like that?’

Alex nodded, grinning as she put down her empty glass after draining it. ‘Something like that.’ She teased good-naturedly, to the amusement of the others, as Ashlyn pouted. 

She gestured to the bartender to get her another drink, and gratefully received it, draining it quickly. Ali sent her a worried look, but didn’t comment on it, which she was grateful for. Alex knew that the rest of the team had picked up on the fact that there was obviously something wrong with her lately, even though she hadn’t spoken to any of them about it, aside from her initial admission to Tobin at the end of the year before. 

Her announcement that she was dating Servando had helped the charade that she was handling things well, and that nothing was wrong, but she knew that the act had slipped slightly since she and Kelley had kissed after the World Cup

Eventually, as the night went on, Abby and the others all decided to pack up for the evening and head back to the hotel. Alex stuck around for a while longer as her teammates began to head out and leave the bar. The world began to blur around her and everything bled into one big mess in her vision as she kept drinking. If she couldn’t move on, the answer to dealing with her feelings was surely to drown them as best she could. 

A hand landed on her wrist as she went to order one last drink, and she turned to meet Tobin’s eyes, the other girl shaking her head. Alex groggily tried to pull away, but Tobin wasn’t having it. ‘You’re done, Al.’

Alex decided not to try and answer, because the brain processing that would require, and the effort, would lead to her throwing up all over the bar in front of her. Tobin managed to pull her away, carting her into a waiting Uber that took them to the hotel. Quiet reigned during the ride, until the last possible second. Just as the car was pulling up to the hotel, Tobin turned to Alex, and said, in a low but firm voice, ‘I can’t let you self-destruct anymore, Al. This isn’t the way to deal with shit. You need to _talk_ to me.’

Alex looked at her hands, rather than trying to meet Tobin’s eyes. She knew that this wasn’t the right way to handle the Kelley IssueTM, but she was tired of having her heart broken every time that she got her hopes up only for it all to be dashed once more. 

‘Alright.’ She whispered, voice raspy and slightly slurred. Tobin examined her face for a moment before nodding, apparently satisfied, and helping her out of the car. She escorted her in the hotel, before pushing her towards a room that Alex, even drunk, was pretty sure wasn’t hers.

‘Take mine tonight. I know what you’ve been drinking so much, and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be around Kelley right now.’ Tobin explained, a serious look on her face. She shot her a small smile before swiping her hotel key through the lock, and ushering Alex through the door. 

Alex stumbled in the half-darkness, vaguely aware of Christen in the other bed, and collapsed onto the bed. The silence had never seemed so loud as nausea from both alcohol and sickening realisations swirled through her. 

She had never thought that she stood much of a chance — she wasn’t naive enough to believe that Kelley would love her back. It was like they were binary star systems: doomed to just barely miss each other every time. Except Alex always found herself wanting more, wanting that impossible collision, whilst Kelley seemed happy with the distance between them. 

Despite feeling tired enough to pass out immediately, Alex found herself haunted by drunken overthinking and bouts of intense guilt. She prayed for dawn to come and the night to finally end, sick of being left to her thoughts. The night passed restlessly, and it wasn’t just the hangover that made her look like she’d just risen from the dead the next morning. 

Tobin sent a sympathetic look, as did Christen, in a way that made her think that Tobin hadn’t been very good at keeping her secret under wraps when it came to Chris. Still, she could forgive that. Kelley looked worried every time that her eyes drifted over to Alex, but she bitterly avoided meeting her gaze. Yes, this was something that she would have to grow up and face, but for now, Alex was fine wallowing in her own self-pity. 

The rest of the team avoided her for the rest of the day as they left for their own homes to spend the Christmas holidays and Alex was faced with the miserable prospect of heading home for another holiday season when all she wanted to do was be with someone who clearly had no interest in her. 

If she had the courage to meet Kelley’s eyes, maybe she would have seen the regret glinting in them, or the hurt. Maybe she would have seen the nervousness from the night before was not because she was scared that Alex thought there was something there, but because she was scared that Alex thought there _wasn’t_. 

Maybe she would have been able to figure out a lot had she had the sense to face Kelley, but Alex was prideful to a fault, and this wasn’t something that she was ready to humiliate herself further for. Instead, she walked away, unaware of Kelley’s heart breaking just as much as hers.


	3. heaven help the fool who falls in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is more than the size of chap 1 and 2 combined so i hope you forgive how long it took to get up.
> 
> honestly im shocked im still writing this shit at all
> 
> //tw for anxiety
> 
> let me know what you think
> 
> hmu on tumblr at unhauntng

**\-- January 2012 --**

After their conversation on their tryst in Vancouver, to see the museum and get some dinner, Alex suddenly understood why Kelley always hung back after practice — she was trying to get in extra work with the backline players who were willing to stick around and help her make the move from forward to outside back in Ali’s absence.

Kelley was busting her ass to step up for the team and every time that she caught sight of her during practice or after a workout, when sweat was pouring down her face but her expression was still as determined as ever, Alex was filled with a sense of awe and admiration. 

She had never met anyone who worked as hard as Kelley did.

After grabbing a water bottle and towel from the locker room, she finally posed the question. ‘Do you need me to stick around today?’ Alex casually asked after practice before the semi-final against Costa Rica, and Kelley whirled around in surprise. 

The other girl obviously hadn’t realised that Alex had figured out what was going on.

Kelley appeared to think about it for a second, before shrugging. ‘Yeah, I probably need all the help I can get. Besides, marking you will force me to step the fuck up, so that can only be good.’

Alex laughed. ‘Kell, you’re like the fittest person on the team. You demolish the beep test every time we do it, meanwhile I’m fucking dead already.’

‘You’re a forward, I know from experience how different it is.’ Kelley waved her hands with a frown but didn’t elaborate. Rather than debate the point, Alex just shrugged and threw down her bottle and towel. 

‘Let’s do this then.’ She grinned. 

Hope, Broon, and Cap all stuck around as well, keeping themselves warm and ready with some stretches whilst Alex and Kelley made their way back to the field. 

At their questioning glances, Alex explained her presence. ‘I know what Kelley’s been up to, and figured that it would be helpful for her to go against a forward, as that’s the type of player she’ll have to go against.’

Hope still looked doubtful, but Sauerbrunn grinned. ‘Thanks, Alex. Any help is appreciated. Kelley’s been working hard but it’s going to be a team effort.’

Alex shrugged. ‘Just let me know what you want me to do — I don’t exactly know what you guys have been doing with her, so I’ll help however I can.’

‘I think we’ll start with a pretty simple drill today.’ Cap said, looking around. ‘Alex, you’ll be useful for this one. You’re going to be an attacker, and Hope’s going to feed you the ball. Kelley, you’ll have to pressure and defend whilst Hope goaltends, but we’ll only start with her. Broon and I will look on and help you, Kell, but it’s all you in the box.’

Nodding at Cap and sending Alex a grin, Kelley moved so that she was between the goal and the 18 whilst Alex herself backed up to the edge of the box. Hope threw the ball to her, and she instantly focused once it reached her feet. 

Blocking out the fact that this was Kelley she was facing, and the eyes of Cap and Sauerbrunn, she slid the ball to the left, feigned a run, before twisting and turning the other way to get enough free space and pop the shot. 

Kelley had fallen for the fake and looked frustrated as she stumbled and slipped to catch up with Alex, but she took the shot before she could, though Hope got her fingers to it and deflected it. 

The ball trickled away, and Cap scooped another one out of the bag. ‘Again,’ she commanded, throwing it to Hope, who nodded solemnly, ‘but make sure you watch the ball rather than the player, Kelley.’ 

She nodded, and turned back to Alex. That familiar determination and resolve had settled over Kelley’s face before they started again, with Hope sending a bullet of a throw to Alex, who brought it down safely before beginning her push. 

Alex decided to play this one a little differently, watching Kelley carefully. She had noticed before that Kelley always pointed her feet in the direction that she was going to run and used that to predict where Kelley would be and dodge around her, flicking the ball over her outstretched foot, bringing it down again, and striking.

This time, even Hope couldn’t stop it and the ball met the next with a satisfying swish in the top corner.

‘Okay, to be fair, that was a special brand of Morgan that no-one can stop.’ Cap joked, as Hope grabbed the ball and gestured for Kelley to get ready again. ‘Try once more, and make sure to track the ball and the attacker. Don’t commit too early — stay patient.’

Sweat glistened on Kelley’s forehead as her brow furrowed and she nodded. Alex received the ball once more and tried to nutmeg Kelley this time, but the girl anticipated it, met the ball with her foot, and cleared it past the 18 line.

‘Nice work, Kell!’ Sauerbrunn grinned, and Alex nodded emphatically. 

‘Good work, dude.’ She nodded, and Kelley glowed with pride. Even Hope seemed happy with that move. 

Kelley wiped the sweat off of her face with the bottom of her shirt, and sent Alex a happy grin. 

Alex was surprised to find her hands shaking as she gripped the bottom of her own shirt to ground herself. ‘Want to go again?’ The other girl nodded, and they reset the drill a few more times. 

She only got past Kelley twice more, with the converted outside back knocking the ball away four more times. 

‘Dude, that was solid.’ Hope sent Kelley a warm grin, a rarity from the goalkeeper. ‘You’re doing so much better.’ Cap and Broon nodded along, and Alex couldn’t keep the smile off of her face with all the praise being loaded on her friend. 

If anyone deserved it, Kelley did.

‘Alright, let’s try something similar, but we’ll have Broon and Alex attack, with Kelley and I defending and Hope in goal. This way, you’ll learn more about watching how forwards interact and going against them. Think of all the most frustrating defenders you’ve faced and how they read your movements and predict where and who’ll you pass to.’ Cap advised. 

They started again, and Alex soon got absorbed into the drill, working hard with Broon. The other girl rarely did attacking movements, but she knew her linemates so well that she could work against them efficiently. 

Alex finally managed to break past Kelley as Broon sent the ball up, using strength in her legs that she wasn’t sure she still had after a tough practice and this extra training, leaping in the air to connect to the ball with her head. 

Kelley did the same, bracing against Alex, though the shorter girl couldn’t make the connection. 

The ball went wide from Alex’s header, but she probably would have been able to make it had Kelley not braced so well against Alex, forcing her into an area around the ball that she hadn’t been intending to occupy.

‘Nice work, Kell.’ She commented as they set up the drill again, and Kelley looked a little surprised at the compliment but accepted it with a nod.

‘I mean, you could go a little easier on me, Al. You’re, like, one of the best forwards I know and I’m barely a defender.’ Kelley joked, but was only met with a shove from her friend. 

‘Shut up.’ 

The ball was sent in again, this time from Alex outside the box. Broon brought it down, but Cap quickly pressured her into taking too heavy a touch and the defender was able to knock it away. 

Broon smiled though, grabbing the ball quickly. ‘Fair play, Cap, but me and Alex make a better team than you’d think.’ Alex nodded along, bumping fists with her teammate as they discussed a new drill. 

‘Let’s try one on one with Alex and Kelley again, but this time Alex is going to bring the ball in from further away. Kelley, you need to pressure and push the attacker away from the box and into the outside area. That’ll make the angle of a shot harder, and the rest of the backline should deal with the other attackers in the box and worry about the cross while you mark your own player.’

As always, Kelley took on the advice without complaint, and got into position. Alex began her attack slowly, watching Kelley carefully and trying to read where the other girl was going to move. She tried to cut in through the inside, but Kelley darted backwards, forcing Alex to run along the sideline. 

When Alex tried to nutmeg Kelley again, the other girl managed to turn quickly and steal the ball before she could get around her, thanks to a too heavy ball through by Alex.

Just like that, Kelley easily had control of the ball and the drill. 

‘Shit, man, you mark so tight. I certainly wouldn’t want to go up against you.’ Alex said, pulling Kelley in for a quick side-hug once Cap called the drill as over. They ran it a few more times, but Kelley was getting better with each shout of advice from Broon and Christie, with Hope directing the girl as well. 

‘It’s all thanks to you guys. Seriously, I really appreciate you guys helping out when you should be taking time off.’

Cap shrugged. ‘No big deal.’

‘Uh, guys?’ Alex suddenly noticed something. ‘How long has Pia been watching us?’

Broon looked nervous for a second. ‘Not sure. She hasn’t watched us do this before, though I thought she knew.’ With that, she sent a quick glare at Cap, who frowned. 

‘I did tell her, and she appreciated our dedication, but I don’t know if she’ll be alright with Alex helping too.’

‘I don’t want to get you guys in trouble.’ Alex said quickly. ‘If she isn’t happy, let me take the fall.’

Kelley shook her head before Alex could even finish her statement. ‘Bullshit. You know we wouldn’t.’

Hope piped up then. ‘I doubt she’ll be angry. You haven’t started that many games, you’re in good condition, and it’s not like we’re going hard enough to injure anyone. If anything, you can play it off as you also getting to work on your shots.’

Alex shrugged, guessing that would have to do as they packed up and began the walk to the locker room — though Pia lay in wait between them and that hallowed land. 

‘Morgan!’ They were just about to draw level with the coach when the shout came. Alex winced and stopped, picking up her towel and water bottle again as she turned and walked over to Pia. 

‘What’s up?’ She asked, trying to stay casual. Kelley stayed with her, hovering right at her elbow with the familiar frown that she got when she was worried, whilst the other three looked on from a little further away. 

Pia shot Kelley a glance, before turning to Alex. ‘I appreciate you helping out O’Hara. I assume she told you of our plans?’ Alex decided to keep her response to a simple nod, still nervous about where this could go. 

‘Good. You’re a strong forward and a solid player — learning to defend against you is exactly what will help shape Kelley into a better backline player.’ Pia nodded at the two of them, and Alex had to fight to keep the surprise out of her expression. 

Pia could be as intimidating as shit when she wanted to be. 

They were beginning to walk away when Pia called out again. ‘Oh, and, Morgan?’ Alex turned to face her coach again, who gave her an appraising look. ‘Don’t think that your work and dedication hasn’t been noticed. This extra training included.’

Alex grinned as she nodded and turned away, walking back to the locker room whilst Kelley nudged at her side excitedly.

‘Hey, that sounded good!’ 

‘Don’t get ahead of yourself, Kel.’

Kelley gasped in mock offense. ‘I’m just being supportive! Why are you such an asshole, Alex?’

‘Don’t pretend like you don’t love it.’ She retorted, grinning as they entered the locker room. Kelley shoved Alex as she walked away to her own locker. 

‘I actually hate you, so, there.’

Broon chuckled from her own locker. ‘You two are like children.’

Hope nodded, rolling her eyes. ‘It’s irritating.’

‘You love us, Solo.’ Kelley retorted, and Alex was surprised to see more affection than Hope normally expressed in her smile. 

‘Something like that, O’Hara. Keep it up.’ The goalie replied, before slinging her bag over her shoulder and walking out of the room. ‘I’m gonna have the best fucking shower ever.’ 

Cap, Alex and Kelley all laughed at that, whilst Broon shook her head at their antics.

‘Crackheads. All of you.’ Broon muttered to herself as she gathered her own things. ‘This whole fucking team.’

\--

In the semi-final of CONCACAF 2012, Alex came on as a sub for Tobin in the 63rd minute. She felt good about this game; she felt ready. Carli got a goal around the 70th, but Alex knew that she wanted one in this match — she was aching for it. 

Finally, near the end of the match, just as Alex was beginning to think that she was running out of time, she netted one. Relief flooded through her and she made eye contact with Kelley, sat on the sub bench. The other girl was yelling and pumping her fists, pure joy rushing through her. 

Alex grinned at her as the rest of the team surrounded and engulfed her, and despite the cheers of US supporters in the stadium, all Alex could her was her own laughter and that of her teammates. 

They were on their way to the Olympics and nothing was going to stop them. Canada was the only thing standing in their way from winning the tournament, and even if they lost in the final, the US would still qualify for London in the summer. 

They had no intention of losing to Canada — beating them on their own turf would just make the victory even sweeter. 

Alex kept returning to Kelley’s after-practice training sessions — it was always a different combination of people, but Broon and Hope normally stuck around. She even managed to rope Tobin in joining once, so that they could have a proper attack against defence 2 on 2.

The extra shooting practice didn’t go amiss, and soon Pia was taking more notice of her in training.

When Alex found out that she would be starting against Canada, there was a moment where time was frozen. This was what she had been working for her whole career — the opportunity to start for her country, to establish herself on this team. 

Being recognised as worthy and able for that was just as sweet as she thought it would be, but ten times more overwhelming. 

‘Congrats, Al.’ Kelley’s smile was warm, and pride seemed to radiate from the other girl.

Alex flushed and ducked her head. ‘Want to watch a movie?’ She changed the subject as quickly as possible. Kelley lit up at the prospect, diving from her bed to Alex’s so they could watch together. 

‘You know me too well, Morgan.’ She teased, snuggling into her as Alex brought up Bridesmaids, since Kelley loved comedies. 

Alex laughed softly, and pulled Kelley closer. ‘Something like that, O’Hara.’ That was how the two of them spent their evening— quiet reigning except for the sounds of the movie, and Alex wasn’t surprised when she looked down to see Kelley asleep on her shoulder. 

Rather than wake the other girl up and move her, which would surely lead to complaining, Alex gently lowered Kelley so she was lying down in Alex’s bed, before settling in beside her, content to spend the night at the side of one of her best friends. 

\--

Costa Rica had been an easy team to beat, with the US securing a 3-0 win, and Alex had been happy with her goal against them. Canada was always going to be a much more difficult opponent, especially considering the rich history of rivalry between the two teams. 

Next to Alex, Syd vibrated with nerves. The locker room was quieter than normal, with everyone trying to get in the zone for their toughest march of the tournament. It was different for Syd, though — since she was eligible to play for either, she used to play for Canada’s youth national team, before switching to the US

Since then, every time that they had played in Canada or against their national team, Syd had been the target of booing and taunts from the Canadian fans. 

‘You ready?’ Alex asked as she pulled on her shinpads.

Sydney shook her head with a wry smile. ‘When are we ever ready, Al?’

She laughed. ‘Fair enough.’

Syd was only a sub today, and that seemed to help settle some of the nerves that Alex could still see in the shaking of her leg or the bouncing of her fingers against the sub bench. 

Abby looked around at each of them in their pre-game huddle. ‘Even if we fuck this up, we’re through.’

‘Real inspiring there, Abby.’ Kelley rolled her eyes. 

‘Shut it, O’Hara.’ The older player retorted quickly. ‘You know what I mean. I don’t want to fuck this up though, I want to fuck up Canada!’

‘I think that’s a shared goal. Can we get going now?’ A-Rod rolled her eyes. 

Abby nodded, and they all split, but Alex felt excitement well up within her as they lined up for the beginning of the match. Kelley was starting this game too, and it felt good to have the other girl at her back — she had made great strides and this tournament was a good environment to put her through her paces as a defender.

Barely 4 minutes in, Alex scored from a run up into the side of the box and a long shot that skimmed past McLeod’s fingers. 

Exhilaration rushed through her even as she heard some boos and jeers from the Canadians. The cheering of her teammates drowned that bullshit out pretty easily, and Alex found herself laughing in disbelief as Kelley jumped and landed on her back, screaming in her ear. 

Soon enough, the game restarted, and after a while, Abby scored two goals within 5 minutes, both of which Alex got a solid assist off of.

The game was going better than she could have dreamed, and Alex felt like she was flying. Canada could suck it. 

‘Let’s fucking go!’ Kelley yelled in her ear as she jumped around just before they began the second half. The coaches’ whole speech had been to keep going as they were and keep the aggression and resilience up against a team that was always going to get physical against them.

Kelley had taken plenty of spills, each time bounding up, driven on by pure spite and anger — Kelley in a game was a totally different Kelley to normal. On the pitch, her energy and resolve scared the shit out of Alex. 

‘The coaches told us to fuck shit up, so let’s fuck shit up!’ 

‘Jesus Christ.’ Becky shook her head as she passed Kelley. ‘Morgan, get a grip on her, for the love of God. She’s going to earn a red card like this.’

Alex sighed, but turned to Kelley, and said, in the most deadpan tone possible, in front of the whole team, ‘Calm the fuck down or I’ll tell Dawn all your secrets.’

The team, despite supposedly being busy with warming up for the next half, erupted into cheers and gasps as Kelley’s jaw dropped. Kelley was infamous amongst the team for getting away with cheating on her diet without the fitness coach picking up on it, and still acing every fitness test.

‘Holy fucking shit, Morgan. Remind me not to get on your bad side.’ Wambach chuckled and clapped her on the back. 

Before Alex could say anything, they got the sign to take to the field again, and the second half, all of a sudden, began in full earnest. 

Despite Canada’s best efforts, with Sinclair getting on the end of some terrifying chances, they remained scoreless. At one point, Kelley threw herself to the ground in a slide tackle to knock the ball away from Canada’s striker without even touching Sinclair herself. The ball made its way to Lloyd, who began a run up the field, working the ball well and making it to a good position for a cross. 

She sent the ball in and Alex saw it arch into the perfect place. Praying and hoping with every molecule within her, she launched herself into the air, higher than her defender, and whacked the ball with her head in the direction she hoped the goal was. 

Alex fell to the ground rather unceremoniously, but once she opened her eyes and looked at the goal, she was astonished to see it nestled safely in the back of the net. Abby cheered and helped Alex to her feet, clapping her enthusiastically on the shoulders as the rest of the team hugged her in celebration. 

She scored in the 58th minute, and that was the last goal of the game, in the last match of the tournament. 

Sydney, to add to their victory, took to the field late in the game, and despite the booing and jeers she was met with, played every minute with the widest grin Alex had ever seen plastered across her face. 

When the final whistle was blown, Canada had been held to a 4-0 defeat, and, despite the noise of the Canadian fans, all Alex could hear was the cheering of the USA supporters, and the yelling of her own teammates. 

The US, entirely unbeaten, had taken the CONCACAF crown and were headed to the Olympics.

**\-- August 2012 --**

Starting in their opening match of the 2012 Olympics had to be the highlight of Alex’s life — no doubt about that. The stadium in Glasgow was well populated, cheers for both teams erupting constantly. The feeling of the audience’s eyes on her never got easier, but there was no small element of pride in her chest as the national anthem blared throughout the stadium. Abby stood tall next to her, and Alex knew that this was the kind of moment that would stick in her head and in her heart for a long time.

France secured two opening goals, and Alex felt her nerves begin to rear their head. She had to keep focusing though, because losing her grip would surely make this even easier for France. She knew that Hope was berating herself more than normal, but the pressure could get to everyone. Still, no goalie would be happy with letting in two goals during the first fifteen minutes. 

Barely five minutes after France made it 2-0, Abby netted one, bringing the US closer to a tie. The stadium erupted, pockets of US fans waving flags and screaming and chanting. Warmth burned in Alex’s chest as she jumped on Abby’s back, and she hardly cared that it wasn’t her who scored. She buried her head in the sweaty material of Abby’s shirt, and couldn’t quite believe that they’d managed it. They had to keep pushing, and keep driving forward so that they could get the tie. 

Then, she scored in the 32’, and that was the moment that redefined everything. Wambach nicked the long pass slightly with her head as it came in, but the ball bounced to Alex, defender coming up on her outside as she wacked the ball mid air and knew, the second that she struck it, that it was going in. The swoosh of the net had never sounded sweeter as cheers erupted throughout the fans. Alex ran towards Rapinoe, catching the other woman as she flung herself into the air. Her laugh was loud in her ear, and Alex was pretty sure that this was now the greatest moment of her life. 

Still, she couldn’t lose focus and almost immediately after the huddle formed around her of celebratory teammates, it broke apart and it was back to business. France wasn’t defeated yet. About 10 minutes later, she was downed by a tackle from behind, and she felt anger rise bitterly in her throat, but she couldn’t let that blind her. She just had to keep focused, keep going. The weight on her shoulders couldn’t suffocate her, not now. 

The second half began with a fairly swift goal from Carli, about ten minutes into the half, and with the lead, Alex knew that the US truly felt like they were on track now. Kelley and the defenders were doing a brilliant job of keeping France away from the goal, and Alex knew that it was her responsibility now, along with the other forwards, to secure the win for the team. With the score at 3-2, she finally felt like they were on the way to that, and she let herself smile as they restarted the game. 

Alex was clattered throughout the game, taking a rough push from one of the defenders in the box, and falling, her knee erupting with pain, though she knew it was mainly from the shock. She could hear Rapinoe calling for a foul, but it wasn’t given. Eventually, she managed to get to her feet, and that was when she caught sight of Kelley. Even as the rest of the forwards swarmed her, trying to make sure that she was alright, Kelley’s eyes were flashing with concern and anger. Alex smiled grimly, trying to calm the other girl, and she watched as Kelley took a deep shuddering breath, before flashing a weak smile. 

Then, in the 66’, Tobin crossed it into the box, even as she was tackled to the ground, and Alex managed to knock it into the back of the net — a classic example of right place, right time, but Alex didn’t even care when she had the screaming of her teammates enveloping her. She felt vaguely numb as Rapinoe jumped on her back, cheering wildly, before the two of them rushed to Tobin’s side, the other girl laughing as they helped her up. 

Alex felt every part of her being sing in absolute joy, still disbelieving that she had scored a brace in their opening match at the fucking Olympics. Even the lingering pain in her knee and ankle from the constant tackling didn’t seem to matter anymore as the smell of sweat enveloped her nose from her teammates’ jerseys as they crushed her in a big group hug. The sound of her laughter was lost in the cheers of the crowd and the screaming of Rapinoe in particular, and Alex was pretty sure that their opening match couldn’t have gone any better. France was always going to be their toughest group match, and it was incredible to know that, even if it didn’t last forever after this, Alex had been the one to push the team out into the lead. 

The rest of the game passed fairly uneventfully, with the US keeping their lead secure. Alex felt like she was on top of the world as she came off the pitch at the end of the match, grinning and laughing as several of her teammates congratulated her on the game-winning goal. Kelley approached her, eyes shining with pride, and practically bear-hugged her, lifting Alex into the air despite her shorter stature. Alex couldn’t help but think in that moment that Kelley’s laughter and whispered congratulations was the sweetest sound that she had heard, and her praise hit Alex in an entirely different way that she didn’t care to dwell on. 

\--

Their next game was in Glasgow again, three days after their opener, and Alex felt the nerves begin to rise in her throat. Eventually, Kelley, not her roommate this tournament but instead hanging around her room like she had nothing better to do, took one look at Alex’s face, which she knew was drawn and pinched, and proceeded to drag her out of the hotel. 

‘You look like you’re on the edge of either tears or projectile vomiting, Al. Let’s just go and see some of Glasgow, huh? The coaches won’t miss us for an hour or two.’

Alex knew better than to protest despite how recent the friendship between the two of them was — Kelley had a mean death stare and, honestly, terrified most people to a certain extent, purely because of her chaotic energy. However, Kelley had also consistently been there for Alex over the past months, so she wasn’t going to complain now, knowing that the other woman only had her best interest at heart. Eventually, they ended up in a cute little coffee shop, pretty empty that afternoon, and Alex breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the relaxing atmosphere.

Kelley failed to suppress a chuckle, and Alex sent her a teasing, half-hearted, glare. ‘You’re very easy to please, Morgan.’ For some reason, Alex found a lump developing in her throat at Kelley’s words, and she shook her head with a laugh, choosing to ignore it. The other woman ordered for the two of them, whilst Alex grabbed a table for the two of them, in the corner by the window. The Glasgow sky was clear for once, and Alex was thankful that the tournament was taking place in summer, or else the fields would likely be flooded knowing British weather. 

Once Kelley arrived with their coffees, Alex sent her a small grateful smile. ‘Was this just an excuse to get a coffee for yourself, Kell? I feel hurt at being used in such a way, if so.’ Alex teased, not wanting to admit the depth of her appreciation of Kelley’s efforts for her. 

Kelley laughed. ‘You saw straight through me. I’ve been caught in the act.’

‘You’re just too predictable, O’Hara.’

Kelley sneered at her jokingly, before taking a sip of her coffee. Alex found her eyes tracing the motion of her throat swallowing, and took a swig of her own coffee to distract herself. Kelley leaned forward as she spoke again. ‘So, is your family around to see any of the games?’

‘Uh, my parents are here for the Quarters and Semi’s, if we make it through to there, and I told them, if we make it to the Final or if they want to see whoever else is in it, I’d get them tickets later.’ Alex explained, feeling her face brighten as she spoke about her family. ‘Jeri is coming for the Semifinals too, but Jeni couldn’t make it out to any of them.’

‘That’s a shame.’ Kelley made a face, but Alex just shrugged. 

‘I mean, it’s enough that my parents are coming. England is a long way and I can’t expect my whole family to just give up their lives for me.’

Kelley laughed. ‘Fair enough. My parents told me they’re coming to some of the group games but wouldn’t tell me which because they said they wanted to surprise me.’

Alex smiled. ‘That’s so cute!’

‘Yeah, I’ll have to introduce you to them when they finally let me know.’ Kelley said, her tone flippant, but Alex was hit by a sudden feeling in her chest, a feeling that she couldn’t quite define. She was kind of surprised that Kelley believed Alex was important enough in her life to warrant an introduction to her parents, who Alex knew were immeasurably important to the other woman. Alex was certainly happy and satisfied with the information, but there was also no small modicum of surprise mixed in.

‘Definitely,’ Alex agreed, smiling slightly at the other woman, who grinned in return. The rest of their time in the coffee shop passed uneventfully, with the two of them either filling the silence with amiable chatter or comfortable silence. Either way, the quiet time with Kelley was exactly what Alex needed to help get her head back on straight. She knew that she had a bad habit of piling too much pressure on herself, and that she needed to make sure her mental health wasn’t suffering in a high pressure career such as soccer, but it was hard to keep a good headspace when they were at such a high profile competition. It was heartwarming and reassuring to know that Kelley was there for her, to give her a safer space when she got into that kind of thinking. 

This turned out to be something that Alex found herself relying on often throughout the tournament. She consistently assisted goals, getting the ball to Wambach well, but couldn’t find the back of the goal herself. She wondered, in the darkness of night when there was no one with any common sense to warn her not to allow her thoughts to drift in such a way, when she started expecting herself to score every match when she was playing at this high of a level. She wondered when she started thinking that anything less than at least one goal per game was a failure. She wondered when she started thinking that she was a fraud.

Kelley often dragged her out for little coffee dates, never to the same place twice, but always with the same easy conversation and feeling of fresh air. Alex was immeasurably grateful for the girl, in a way that she wasn’t quite sure how to articulate. She hoped that the odd links of funny dog videos she sent was enough, and Kelley’s constant cooing seemed signal enough of that. 

The USA topped their group, mainly thanks to Abby’s unstoppable goals, and were matched up against New Zealand for their Quarterfinal, who came third in their own group. Alex felt the familiar churning of nerves as the game approach, and Tobin wordlessly got out Monopoly Deal on the bus ride to the stadium, knowing that Alex needed to focus on something other than their impending match. ‘Chill, Al,’ was Tobin’s only comment, paired with a raised eyebrow. ‘You’re playing incredibly.’

‘Yeah, but I’m not scoring.’ Alex muttered, regretting it when Tobin sent her a sharp look, but the other girl thankfully let it go and didn’t berate Alex for her line of thinking. The rest of the bus ride to St. James’ Park passed in relative peace, though Alex cheated her ass off at the game, as she normally did. Kelley made eye contact with her after a particularly blatant cheat, a raised eyebrow and a smile letting her know that Kelley knew exactly what she was doing. Alex smirked, before turning back to Tobin, who was scowling as if she knew that Alex was cheating, but couldn’t prove it.

‘Just give it up, Tobs. You know I always beat you.’

‘Yeah, because you always cheat.’ Tobin grumbled, but didn’t press the matter. Sure enough, Alex beat her, and chose to rub her victory in Tobin’s face rather than act graciously. The other girl smiled wryly, and Alex suspected that her main aim had been to cheer her up rather than actually win the game. Fucking Tobin. 

They were expected to win the match today, and Alex should have found more comfort in that knowledge than she did. It was still the Olympics, the Quarterfinals of the Olympics. She was starting today, and knowing that she hadn’t scored since their first match against France was doing little to ease her nerves. The whole team felt anxious about the match, obviously, but Alex couldn’t help but feel that she should be doing more to help the team and their Olympic campaign.

The game started with a kick off for the Kiwis, though Tobin quickly won possession and began her attack. At the 2’ mark, Alex tried to get a shot in from the edge of the box, but Bindon pounced on it, even though it was going wide anyway. She cursed her failed chance as she jogged back, Wambach sending her an encouraging look that Alex tried to take well. 

‘Let’s go, Morgan! Let’s fucking go!’ She heard Tobin yell, and couldn’t help but laugh slightly. Feeling a bit less weighed down, she resumed play, keeping an eye on the ball as New Zealand kicked it around for a bit. The Kiwis mounted an attack, and Rampone gave away a dangerous foul outside the box that had Alex’s heart in her mouth. Nothing came of the opportunity though, with Hope easily collecting the ball and killing any chance of a goal from that kick that New Zealand thought they had.

As the game continued, Rapinoe had a couple chances that didn’t result in anything, whilst New Zealand’s Boyle tried to hammer one past Hope, though it went wide. The score was still even as they progressed past the 10’ mark, despite both teams having a couple of good chances. Alex slipped past her defender, sprinting past the keeper with the ball, taking the shot but watching frustrated as it went wide despite the open net before her. About 5 minutes later, Alex failed to make contact with brilliant low cross from Rapinoe, the ball sneaking past her to Wambach who sent it wide again. She could feel frustration grow not just in her own chest, but amongst her teammates as well. It was important that they all kept a clear head, but that was easier said than done, especially when New Zealand was pushing against them with everything they had, knowing they were the underdogs in this match. 

Around 25 minutes in, as Alex received a long ball, she heard Abby call for the ball as she moved into position by the goal. She cut back, waited a second, before sending in the perfect cross, the ball landing perfectly at Wambach’s feet, who easily touched it in for their opening goal. She felt something akin to relief flood through her as she collided with Abby in a tight hug, glad to have gotten herself another assist, but more happy that the US was finally on the scoreboard. Still, she would have liked to make good on some of the chances she had had this game. 

Just as the first half was drawing to a close, Alex got one last chance, but her first touch was too heavy and the ball got away from her as she tried to escape her defender. Seconds later, the whistle blew, and Alex wanted to scream in frustration. Instead, she took a deep breath and reminded herself that they were one goal up. Only one goal. Fuck. 

‘You all need to stay calm.’ Pia reminded them during half time. ‘You have the lion’s share of the possession, and the scoreline doesn’t reflect what I know you guys can do. You need to connect on some of these crosses into the box and get it past their keeper. Back line, watch out for their long ball and focus on playing clean. We don’t need anymore yellows.’ Wambach smiled sheepishly at that, knowing the remark was directed at her thanks to her picking up a card in the 42’.

Kelley meandered over next to Alex as she drank from her water bottle. ‘You know, Morgan, even if you don’t score, you’re still my favourite forward.’ The comment was joking, Kelley half laughing as she said it, but the anxiety of not scoring made it hit a little too hard. Alex laughed though, knowing that Kelley was trying to ease her worries, and it worked, in a way. Kelley always made her feel better. Alex shoved her lightly, before scoffing. 

‘Shame you’re my least favourite defender then, huh?’

Sauerbrunn laughed from a couple metres away, sending Alex a wink. ‘You a fan of me then, Alex?’ She nodded, pushing Kelley away from her, who squawked, outraged.

‘Broon isn’t even starting!’

‘Because I’m giving the others a chance, O’Hara, geez.’ Sauerbrunn retorted, rolling her eyes. Alex laughed, but before the situation could escalate, they were ushered back onto the field to warm up again. Before Alex knew it, they were kicking off, and it was all back on again. 

She got the ball from an early throw in, and headed up the flank before pulling the ball across, looking for anyone to bring it down and take a shot, but there was no-one there. New Zealand cleared it easily, and Alex had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming. 

Alex herself didn’t get another solid chance until the 73’. Thanks for a clearing of a New Zealand free kick, she found herself with the ball and racing up towards the box, but just as it was one on one with the keeper, Bindon rushed out and brought her down. She felt her knee collide nastily with the goalie, before getting crushed beneath her, and she had to fight the urge to cry out. Despite being floored by the goalie, there was no foul given, and Alex felt the inclination to murder someone from frustration grow in her stomach. 

Ten minutes later, she was subbed off for Syd, whom she was happy for, but Alex would be lying if she said that she was happy with her own performance. She felt like crying as she took a seat on the bench, cursing the fact that she couldn’t do more, knowing that their lead was tenuous and fragile. Syd had barely been on the pitch two minutes before she scored from a low hard hit that sneaked past Bindon. Cheers erupted throughout the USA fans, and Alex screamed along, ecstatic that the USA had truly secured this victory now, but there was no small amount of frustration that she herself couldn’t have scored, couldn’t be on the pitch, couldn’t be the one ensuring the win.

Alex swallowed the bitter taste lingering in her mouth as she drew several of her sweaty teammates in for hug, laughing and smiling in a way that was entirely genuine despite her own frustration. It had been a good game, and New Zealand had played well, but the USA was on to the Semifinals. They were fucking through. 

Thank the Lord.

\--

In celebration of their win that day, the team decided, with the blessing of the coaching staff, to have a Game Night. They convened in Rampone’s room — curse of being Captain — and they piled onto beds and couches, as well as spreading across the floor. Kelley, walking in late, simply settled down next to Alex, squeezing herself into a gap that didn’t really exist, and ended up half sprawled across Alex’s lap. It worked out alright though, because their first game was Pictionary, the classic game they played together as they had altered the rules to fit the team to the point where it was almost perfect for them, and it made it easy for Alex to claim Kelley as her partner. When it was decided that it would be split into 2 teams of 4 and 2 teams of 5, Alex and Kelley quickly claimed Tobin and Syd as teammates. 

‘We’re gonna smoke all your asses, losers.’ Kelley loudly proclaimed, gesturing wildly whilst Alex tried to keep her under control. 

Hope snorted, scoffing at Kelley’s antics. ‘Yeah, right, Kelley.’ Barnhart nodded next to her, the two goalkeepers paired with Buehler and Rampone. ‘We’re bound to win. We have Barnie and Buehler.’ Kelley grumbled at that, knowing that those two were objectively the smartest on the team, but the game quickly begun, Rampone able to sense that this wasn't going to result in anything good. 

Alex drew for her team first. ‘I apologise for my shit art skills first. I did not go to art school.’ Kelley snorted and gestured for her to begin. Her first card read “starfish”, and Alex cursed under her breath as she rushed to draw something. She scribbled out a vaguely star shaped thing and drew some bubbles next to it, showing it to her team desperately. She honestly wasn’t expecting any of them to get it but Kelley immediately shouted out an answer. 

‘Starfish!’

‘Holy shit, yeah!’ Alex yelled as she rushed to pick another card. This one ordered her to draw a backpack, and Alex knew that they were sunk with this one. She was _not_ that good of an artist. She scrawled out a stick figure, stuck a lump on his back and then drew an arrow pointing to what was supposed to be the backpack. 

Tobin looked at her blankly and Syd laughed at Alex’s dismal attempt but Kelley squinted for a bit before guessing what it was and gesturing wildly for Alex to keep going before they ran out of time. 

Racing against the timer, Alex scrawled out a picture for “tail”, and then one for “knee”, with Kelley getting it right both times, although Syd and Tobin both also got knee. After getting a couple more cards, with Kelley yelling out the answer to “lemon” just before the timer expired, Alex started cheering in her excitement. ‘Holy shit, that was awesome.’ Alex crowed, high fiving Kelley with a satisfied smirk. ‘I’m never that good at Pictionary.’

Tobin laughed. ‘Yeah, no offense Alex, but you’re shit at drawing. That’s why you’re better at the travel version.’

Alex flipped off Tobin casually, but the rest of the team gave them shady looks. ‘There’s no way that they should have done that well,’ Hope muttered to her teammates, ‘Especially not when they’re a bunch of idiots.’

‘We can hear you, ass.’ Kelley snarked, though she didn’t really put any bite behind it. The game progressed as it usually did, with Lloyd, HAO, A-Rod, Mitts and Boxxy going next, but not doing well. Alex watched Kelley smirk with pride when they failed to meet their team’s score, the competitive nature of the other girl shining through easily. 

Solo’s team couldn’t catch them and neither could Wambach with her team of Rapinoe, Cheney, Broon and LePeilbet. ‘Holy shit, we’re actually winning.’ Tobin breathed out, as shocked as Alex was. Surprisingly enough, their winning streak didn’t let up either, with them not scoring as well on the next two rounds but still staying ahead of others, thanks mainly to Rapinoe having no idea how to draw a bookstore. 

Their fourth go, with Kelley drawing their answers this time, went significantly better — improving even on their first go. Kelley was not a good artist by any stretch, but she managed to draw literal clues each time that Alex connect pretty easily. They scored high, and gloated as they pulled out even further ahead. 

Rampone took one look at them and shook her head. ‘No, this isn’t happening.’

‘What?’ Alex’s outrage bled into her voice slightly as their reign was challenged. ‘Cap, what’s the issue?’

‘You and Kelley are fucking telepathic or something. Heath and Syd barely said a fucking word and you got like 8 cards.’

Kelley threw her hands up in the air in protest. ‘You can’t honestly be mad that me and Al work well together! You can’t disqualify us for being too good, Cap!’

Rampone smirked. ‘Thanks for the idea, Kelley. You two are out. A-Rod, Cheney, go join Syd and Tobs.’ The two women shrugged and got up, beginning to move over, but Alex and Kelley weren’t just going to go down without a fight — they had to stand up to such injustice.

‘You’re just pissed you're not winning!’ Alex protested, but, to her frustration, Rampone just nodded.

‘Yep!’ She said cheerily, popping the p. ‘Now go sit over there.’ She gestured towards the window seat. ‘We want to play fairly.’

Alex and Kelley grumbled as they made their over to the window sill, shoving each other. ‘Nice going, Kell. You gave her the fucking idea.’

‘You're the one who scored 8!’ Kelley argued, as if it was Alex’s fault. 

She scoffed, rolling her eyes at the other girl. ‘That’s the point of the game! What was I supposed to do!’

‘Can you two please stop arguing like the married couple that you are and shut up?’ Hope snapped slightly, sounding irritated. 

Alex held her hands up in surrender, making eye contact with Kelley as she did so. She couldn’t help but let out a slightly choked laugh when Kelley raised her eyebrows exaggeratedly, turning away so that Hope couldn’t see her. The two of them sniggered in the corner for a while, trying and failing to suppress laughs that led half the team to either glare at them or thrown an assortment of items, including, but not limited to, a pillow, an empty water bottle and Rapinoe’s left cleat.

They pouted their way through the rest of the night, with the rest of the team not allowing them to partner up for any of the other games. ‘This is unfair!’ Kelley tried, but no one felt any sympathy for them. 

‘This is the new rule, O’Hara.’ Rampone shrugged, though her eyes glinted mischievously. ‘Deal with it.’

Alex groaned. ‘Why are you punishing us for being too good at Pictionary?’

‘You two were definitely cheating,’ Broon piped up from her position reclining on a couple of cushions. ‘It’s Alex, so we all knew you were cheating anyway, but you two weren’t subtle.’

‘This was actually probably the one time I wasn’t cheating.’ Alex frowned. ‘Me and Kell are just _that_ good.’ She boasted, nudging Kelley.

Hope laughed. ‘That doesn’t help your case, Morgan.’

By the end of the night, after several arguments and one broken vase, Kelley and Alex were forbidden from playing Pictionary on the same team ever again, with the new law being written into the team’s amended rules. 

\--

The prospect of playing Canada was nerve wracking. The other team had fallen to the USWNT in CONCACAF, but at that point, they had both known that they were going through and qualifying for the Olympics. This match would be entirely different, and, though Canada had only qualified as a third place team into the knockout stage, they had beaten Great Britain, and the whole team knew that this was the final test that they had to pass in order to progress to the final. Canada couldn’t have made it to the semis if they weren’t a strong team, and they would have an axe to grind after CONCACAF. The USWNT had to show up for this match if they wanted to stand a chance. 

Alex wasn’t feeling as nervous as she had been before New Zealand, mainly thanks to having seen her family. They had gone on and on about how proud they were, despite Alex pointing out her streak of goalless games. They had brushed off her worries and pointed out that she had assisted the game winning goal in every other game, and that she had nothing to worry about. Jeri particularly had stressed that she didn’t need to be thinking about her position being in jeopardy. 

‘Look, Al.’ She had said. ‘The only reason you were taken off last match was because you got fucking tackled to the ground. Pia probably wanted to ensure that you were fresh and healthy for the semi game, and she didn’t want you injuring yourself. Syd scored that goal because she’s awesome, but also because she was fresh off the bench and plays in a way different to you, a player who the defense had been focusing on and had obviously prepared to face.’

Her sister’s words had helped calm her slightly, but she would be lying if she claimed not to feel any nerves at all. But, she supposed that if she didn’t feel any anxiety, she would have to be a robot.

If the US won today, this would be their fifth consecutive final for the Olympics, which was breaking some sort of record. Plus, they were heading into the match having scored ten unanswered goals, with only France scoring against them. Their back line was solid, and all they needed to do was stay that way, and then the forwards had to make sure that they did their own job. Alex knew that they could win this, just as long as they stayed calm and kept their heads. 

Alex knew that the main issue that they would face was the matter of Sinclair — she was rivaling Wambach when it came to career international goals, with the Canadian on 140 against Abby’s 142. They both had Mia Hamm’s total and world record 158 in their sights, and Alex knew that if there was any player that they had to be concerned about, it was certainly going to be Christine Sinclair. Tancredi was another threat though, with the other player on four goals in the tournament, and having scored a solid brace against Sweden.

‘Ready for some bruises, Al?’ Tobin joked as the bus neared the Old Trafford stadium. Alex suppressed a chuckle. Canada had become notoriously physical since their 2011 coaching change, and pretty much all of the USWNT were expecting to come away black and blue. This was not going to be a technically elegant and clean game — more like all out war, considering the rivalry between Canada and the US.

‘Something like that.’ Alex nodded, wincing at the thought. ‘Haven’t they had their fair share of injuries, though?’ Tobin shrugged. 

‘I think so, but I don’t know how many. I swear they’re having a crisis with their center backs though.’

Alex nodded. ‘Yeah, I think most of them are injured or something.’ She shrugged. ‘Might work out in our favour.’

Tobin laughed. ‘One can only hope.’ And just as she spoke, the bus ground to a halt outside the stadium. Alex felt the familiar nerves erupt in her stomach, whole hosts of butterflies fluttering around in there. Abby sent her an easy smile though and Rapinoe clapped her on the back.

‘Let’s fucking go!’ Rapinoe yelled, to the amusement of the rest of the team, who all echoed the call to one degree or another. 

Alex was happy to be starting again, taking it as a sign of Pia’s continued faith in her, and a signal that maybe Jeri had been right before. She didn’t have time to dwell on it though as they warmed up and prepared for the game, the time flying past until they were lined up in the tunnel beside the Canadian players. Her heartbeat was finally steady in her chest and her hands weren’t shaking, surprisingly enough. The pre-game ritual of measuring out and sorting her pre-wrap had helped settle her, and Alex felt more ready than she thought she ever would be for this match

The US won the kick off, and, with the whistle blown, the game got underway. Cheney immediately got tackled roughly by the bulldozer that was Tancredi, the Canadian pushing Cheney to the ground. The US got a free kick, with Rampone sending it in from the halfway line as the rest of the team pushed upwards. The ball floated into the box, and Alex brought it down with her chest, dribbling slightly out from the 18 before brought down by Sinclair from behind.

The call went the US’s way, with Lloyd taking the free kick now. Alex jostled against the defenders surrounding her, but she needn’t have stressed as Carli sent it too far in front for any of them to run on, and it trickled wide of the goal and McLeod’s gloves. Canada resumed the game with the goal kick, but the US soon got another chance with Rapinoe sending it a fierce cross that McLeod punched away, though it landed at Cheney’s feet. Cheney fought to keep the ball, which eventually made its way back to Rapinoe on the flank for another cross, which was intercepted by Scott this time and given to the keeper for a goal kick. 

Canada were struggling to clear their line, and Alex knew that they had to make the most of that. The US was really in control, and they had to capitalise. They hadn’t gotten any shots on goal yet, but the game was young. Rapinoe threaded the ball through to Lloyd, who couldn’t quite make contact, and Alex had to bite back a curse as another chance disappeared. Scoring early in a game like this was more than just important — it was vital. That meant that you controlled the flow of the game and the momentum, as well as keeping the other team’s spirits down. 

Play continued and Alex found herself pushing up the flank with the ball at her feet, sending the cross off but her attempt ricocheted off of Sesselmaa for a corner. Rapinoe sent the ball in, but nothing came of it. They continued to tussle and fight for every opportunity, the Canadian team not letting up in the slightest, pulling at their shirts and leaving them with their fair share of bruises.

Then, just over 20 minutes in, Canada won themselves a free kick. Alex’s heart was in her mouth as it was driven low across the box, but none of their opponents could connect to it. Relief flooded through her, and Alex prepared for the game to resume, but she shouldn’t have been so reassured by the failure of Canada’s attempt. Just a minute later, they sent a ball through to Sinclair, who spun away from Kelley and slotted the ball fast and low, below Hope’s outstretched gloves. 

Alex felt nausea begin to swirl in her stomach, and Kelley looked like she wanted to punch someone, the scowl cutting across her face in a way that Alex knew meant that Kelley was blaming herself for Sinclair breaking away. Before she had to opportunity to say anything to Kelley, the game was pushing on, and Alex was running up the field. It wasn’t long until Canada found themselves with another opportunity, a cross from Schmidt looking good until Hope shut it down. Then it was the USA’s turn to break away, pushing up the field with Kelley sending a cross in that McLeod managed to catch.

The last time that the USWNT had lost to Canada was in 2001, and Alex felt physically sick at the prospect of that record being broken. About 30 minutes into the half, Rapinoe floated in a beautiful free kick that Alex managed to get her head to, but it glanced wide, and Alex cursed herself. Wambach clapped her on the back, a serious but calm look on her face and nodded. ‘You’re doing fine, Baby Horse. Just keep it cool.’

Alex nodded, trying to keep her breathing steady and not let her thoughts spiral. Canada was beginning to gain the upper hand in possession, and pushing the USA a lot more. Rapinoe took another free kick on the right, this time sending the ball straight to Abby, who sent a solid header in that was saved, but she was picked up for climbing anyway. Two minutes later, Alex managed to capitalise on a mistake in the Canadian back line and she sent in a biting cross that Abby headed towards the goal, but it went wide. 

Just before the half drew to a close, Cheney tried to take advantage of McLeod being off her line as Abby brought the ball down with her chest and sent it to Lauren, who tried to chip the Canadian keeper from distance, but it went wide and then the whistle was blowing. The first half had been overwhelmingly physical, as they knew that it would be, and Alex felt like half of the team were covered in bruises and wearing deep frowns as they huddled around Pia. 

‘Don’t let them muscle you out.’ Pia warned, looking around at each of them. ‘You’ve got them under pressure in their own area, and all we need to do is keep applying that pressure. Get some more shots in and then eventually we will see that back line break down. They’re already conceding a lot of free kicks and fouls — if you keep pushing, they aren’t going to be able to keep you out without drawing more fouls that we can use. Just get some more shots off until we can equalise.’

They all nodded, but the coach wasn’t done yet. ‘Don’t let the physical nature of the Canadians take away from our own style. You guys have brilliant technique and each of you are able to get around these players if you don’t fall into their traps. We always knew that Sinclair was going to be a threat, and her scoring isn’t a surprise. It’s not a sign that you guys aren’t doing well — it was expected. Backline, keep your heads up and don’t let anymore chances past.’

Alex watched as Kelley nodded seriously, and she knew that the other girl was still blaming herself for what had happened. She knelt down by the bench, stealing Barnie’s goalie glove and throwing it at Kelley’s head. The other girl whipped around to frown at Alex, though she could see the amusement dancing in Kelley’s eyes.

‘Lighten up, asshole.’ She said, pointing a stern finger at Kelley. ‘That wasn’t your fault, alright.’ Kelley nodded sheepishly before shoving Alex. 

‘Yeah, coming from the girl I know is blaming herself for every missed shot.’ She had a point there, but Alex wasn’t going to admit that — Kelley would never let her live it down. Besides, Alex knew that there was more that she could be doing, and she didn’t want to see another game go past without her scoring. 

‘Fuck off, Kell.’ She retorted good naturedly. Barnhart scowled jokingly at the two of them before holding out her hand.

‘Assholes, give me my glove back.’ Alex laughed as she picked it up and handed it back to their reserve goalie, an exaggerated expression of regret on her face. Barnhart shoved her in response, and then they were being pushed back onto the field, the coaching staff urging them to pass the ball around for a bit and stay loose.

Canada kicked off to begin the second half and the game resumed quickly. For the first few minutes of the half, the battle was mainly fought in the midfield with both teams wrestling for control of the flow of the game. There was a desperate edge to the US’s play, obviously hungry for a goal. Alex popped a cross over for Abby in the 51’, which was brought down beautifully, but sent it over the crossbar. They were beginning to gain control of possession, but none of that mattered if they couldn’t get a goal in. 

They won a corner thanks to a tackle from Sesselmaa inside the box that sent it out. Rapinoe sent it deep, but the Canadian defense shut down Wambach and sent the ball out, and though they got another look at goal when Tobin managed to get a break down the left, her low cross couldn’t reach Alex, and Canada cleared for a throw. Alex cursed herself, wishing that she had just been a couple of inches closer to the ball, and maybe she could have made something of that. Still, it was Tobin who shook her head apologetically, and Alex grimaced but nodded in response. 

A minute later, Rapinoe scored from an inswinging corner, and Alex felt like she was near tears as she rushed to catch Rapinoe in a tight hug. It didn’t even matter that much to her that she hadn’t scored, because they were level and they were still in this tournament, Christine Sinclair be damned. Fucking Rapinoe.

Then everything was off again, with Canada trying to gain the lead again, but the US truly had control of the flow of the game at this point. Alex sent a through ball into Tobin, but the Canadian defense intercepted and cleared it off the sideline for a throw in. She grimaced apologetically at Tobin, who waved it away with a gesture of her hand and a grim smile of her own. Everyone was feeling the pressure now. They had to get another goal and they had to get this win or else it would all be over. 

Barely 5 minutes passed later, just 15 minutes after Rapinoe’s stunning goal, Sinclair found the end of a good cross from the left from Tancredi in the US box and headed it in for her second goal of the evening. Alex was pretty sure that she felt like screaming as the Canadian fans erupted with cheers and Sinclair roared with exhilaration.

‘Fucking Canadians.’ She heard Kelley mutter, wiping sweat from her brow with the bottom of her shirt, which sent funny butterflies through Alex’s stomach. She huffed half of a laugh, clapping Kelley on the shoulder before running back towards the halfline. The pressure was on them to equalise again, now that Sinclair had pushed Canada into the lead once more. Fucking Sinclair, Alex thought to herself and imagined throttling the other player. 

Then Rapinoe brought down a long ball in the corner of the box and hammered a shot across the goal that went in off the far post. Alex was pretty sure that tears were streaming down her face as she tackled Rapinoe from behind, burying her face in the back of her sweaty teammates jersey. The stadium was impossibly loud, seeing as Rapinoe’s second goal came just three minutes after Canada’s second. Two players now had a brace and Alex felt butterflies erupt in her stomach — from anxiety, excitement or tension, she wasn’t sure. 

Two minutes later, Canada had an attempt in the box that Buehler shut it down, though the ball went out for a corner. The ball was sent in and Sinclair, of course it was fucking Sinclair, headed it in back across the goal, and Alex had to admit that she was very tempted to punch Christine Sinclair — Hope looked like she was in the same kind of headspace, as a deep scowl cut across her face. The header was admittedly beautiful and she had to applaud their work, but it was incredibly frustrating and Alex kind of just wanted to lie face down on the pitch and scream. 

Sinclair had her hat trick now, and it was back on the US to equalise once more. Rapinoe intercepted a Canadian pass and sent a long ball to Alex, though the defense shut it down before Alex had any real chance to pop a shot off towards goal. Syd came on for LePeilbet, and immediately went up for a long free kick, forcing a corner for the US. Rapinoe curled it to the back post and Alex honestly started praying that it would go in and Rapinoe would net her hat trick, but McLeod was up to grab it and fall safely on the ball. Alex watched as the Canadian goalkeeper held on to the ball before the whistle blew, the ref signally that McLeod had held on for too long, awarding the rare indirect free kick inside the box to the US. The Canadian players looked like they were close to rioting, desperate to hold onto their lead for once this match. Nonetheless, the call stayed the US’s way, and Alex felt her heart leap into her mouth. 

Yet another free kick was their chance, and Alex jostled for position inside the box, hoping against hope that this would be it, and they would equalise. The final whistle seemed to be creeping up on them, and Alex was hyper aware of the fact that they did not have that long, 10 minutes at the most, to find an equalising goal and then, hopefully, a game winning one. 

Then Nault got picked up for a handball against Rapinoe’s shot from the free kick. The penalty was given as the stands erupted with screams and cheers, the US supporters celebrating this opportunity as the Canadian fans jeered and shouted at the referee, feeling that this, combined with the call against McLeod, was a sign that the refs were bias. Wambach, however, their regular penalty kick taker, kept her cool and prepared for the kick whilst the ref talked to her and tried to calm down the other players. Abby made eye contact with McLeod, stepped up to the mark and slotted the ball into the corner of the net. Alex practically launched herself onto Abby’s back, cheering and screaming as relief flooded through every inch of her body. The whole team practically crowded around Abby and Alex could felt Kelley pressing against her back as she screamed, and the vague shouting noises of Syd in her ear. They were still in it. Holy shit. 

This game as bad as shit for her fucking nerves. Alex was pretty sure that she was due for a heart attack. 

As the game began to draw to a close, the clock ticking down, Alex pushed as hard as she could for a goal of her own. She was tripped in the box by Kyle, but no call came. Instead it was a corner, which pinged around the box for a bit until it found Rapinoe, who rocketed it over the crossbar in an ambitious attempt to cinch the game and her own hat trick. Canada took it down to the US goal in an attempt that was easily shut down by Hope, who was determined to not let any more goals slip past her. 

Then Alex found herself with the ball and ran up the left side of the box, crossing it over to Abby just as the Canadian defender tripped her. Abby connected to the ball but it went just wide, and Alex cursed slightly, frustrated as she felt twinges of pain in her ankle. She shook it out though and the game began again. 

Two minutes into stoppage time, Alex got a shot off, but it only went into the side netting and she could tell that everyone was tiring now. It was in the slumped shoulders of Abby, the sweat glistening on Rapinoe’s brow and the thick cursing coming from Kelley. They couldn’t see this game ending before they went into extra time. Syd sent a header just over the cross bar right before the whistle went, signalling the end of the second half and Alex wasn’t sure whether she was happy or annoyed that they were going into extra time. On one hand, they were still in it, on the other, they were all dead tired and the prospect of playing for any longer made Alex’s knees turn to jelly beneath her. 

Canada started the half an hour of extra time. About 4 minutes in, Rapinoe sent a good cross over to Alex and she popped the shot off, but it went well over the crossbar and Alex fought the urge to despair. The cheers of the crowd helped but she was bone tired and she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to make good on any chances now when she hadn’t been able to earlier. Kelley managed to send a ball in for Syd, but the ball went over the crossbar again. Sweat dripped down the face of every player and Alex couldn’t lie and say that this wasn’t a good game. This was a fucking battle. 

HAO came on for Cheney just as they got a corner kick, and the idea of new blood amongst the tired players was exactly what Alex needed to pick herself up and keep going. They could do this, but Alex wasn’t sure if she was going to score or pass out first. Rapinoe sent in yet another cross but it lacked the earlier bite and Canada cleared it easily. 

Down the other side of the field, Matheson went down from Kelley’s challenge just outside the box and Rampone had to grab Kelley’s shoulder to keep her from arguing with the ref as she awarded Canada a free kick. Nothing came of it though, Hope easily shutting down any chance Canada thought that they had and play resumed. 

A little later, Tancredi, who already was on a yellow, fouled LeRoux, and Alex tried to calm down Syd as she got back on her feet. There was definitely some bad blood between Syd and the rest of the Canadians, but Alex was just praying that everyone would make it out of the game without serious injuries — if they did get through, the last thing they needed against Japan was a hastily patched up and bruised team. Tancredi had committed seven fouls already in this game, and Alex felt a little bitter that there hadn’t been another yellow against her. The long free kick came in and McLeod lost it way beyond the penalty box and is given the foul. The whistle went for the end of the half though, before anything could be taken.

Half time felt more like a breather than anything else, with Alex downing some water as Wambach huddled them all together, her voice hoarse, demonstrating just how tired they all were.

‘Look, we have one last opportunity here. We need to make every shot, every cross, every ball count. I don’t give a shit if we’re tired — do you think that Canada will just let us get one in because we’re tired? No. We needed to just play, and score no matter what, alright? We can do this, I know we can!’

Rampone echoed those sentiments. ‘We need to keep pushing. We can’t let this journey end here. I’m so proud of all of you, but we need to finish this off the way that we always go and get the goal.’

The game started again relatively quickly, and the US got control of the game again, as they had throughout most of the match. They got a couple of chances but nothing substantial until 115’. Another cross came in and Alex got the ball, but was quickly felled by the defenders as it was contested, but there came no call of a foul. Scott got caught in a nasty clash with HAO and Alex watched as the Canadian hobbled off for treatment.

Scott came back on after a little while, but she looked rattled slightly, and Alex felt bad for her — defending was certainly not a job that was easy to fulfil and Alex knew that wasn’t something she would do. Canada got a free kick about ten yards outside the box, but it went straight to Hope, who launched an instant US counter. Alex managed to get the ball, making a run up the flank with what felt like the last vestiges of strength and energy in her legs, before sending in a cross across goal that went just past HAO. 

Two minutes later, Alex managed to dodge and weave her way around three markers to reach the byline but her cutback was crowded out by the defense as Abby called for the ball. She managed to get free again and her cross went behind Abby, and just as Alex began to curse herself, Abby managed to, in some form of miracle, lean back and angle a looping header onto the bar, with possibly a touch by McLeod. Alex had to applaud the effort of Abby, but she could feel the hope of getting a goal now slipping from their fingers. There would be some stoppage time added on, but it seemed like it was going to penalties, despite their best efforts. 

Alex watched as Kelley was felled by a Canadian player, landing awkwardly, toward the end of extra time. Nausea and nerves swirled in her stomach as Kelley got up and flashed a half-hearted thumbs up to signal that she was alright. She had been a demon in defense, and Alex was immensely proud of her. It was just a shame that they couldn’t get the goal to reflect the balance of play and the incredible defending that her teammates were pulling out of the bag.

In the stoppage section of extra time, as the clock approached the deadline, Canada pushed forward one last time. Sinclair and Tancredi headed toward goal, and the ball went out for a throw. Alex felt like she was going to be sick as they tried one last attempt, nothing coming of the throw. The US seized the ball and pushed up towards the Canada goal with one minute left of stoppage time. The defender tried to head the ball away, but Rapinoe brought it down and passed it off to Wambach, who gave it off to the right where HAO was waiting and brought it round the side of the box as Alex and Abby ran towards the goal, waiting for the cross. 

HAO sent it in, the ball floating perfectly over the heads of the defenders to where Alex was waiting, with Wambach behind her, and she knew that it was too short to reach Abby for the header. She jumped into the air, more of a leap of faith than anything else, and squeezed her eyes shut as she made contact with the ball, sending it towards the goal. She fell to the ground, landing on her back as she watched the shot inch past McLeod’s gloves, just under the crossbar, for the game-winning goal. 

She pulled herself up to her feet, her arms wide in the air as cheers erupted throughout the stadium, her teammates crushing her into a massive group hug as they knew that there was nothing Canada could do to answer that. In the last minute of stoppage time, Alex had sent them through to the final of the Olympics. Kelley was on her back, screaming, Abby had tears running down her face and Alex was pretty sure that she was crying herself as well. Relief made her limbs sag as all she could think of was, finally. If she had to wait since the match against France to score, but that was the one that she managed to net, she was pretty sure that the wait had been worth it. 

The game resumed, but all that Alex could think about was the coaches going wild on the sideline, the cheers coming from the USA fans and the grin that she couldn’t get off of her face even if she tried. They’d done it. 

Alex had done it.

**\-- February 2015 --**

Nerves coursed through Alex in a way that she hadn’t quite expected — then again, she should have been surprised, considering how utterly stupid this plan was. She honestly had no idea why she agreed to this, but there wasn’t much that she had left to lose anymore when it came to Kelley, so it was this or nothing.

‘Chill, Alex. I can feel you overthinking from miles away.’ Servando teased over the phone, and she rolled her eyes even though she knew that he wouldn’t be able to tell. The familiar cadence of his voice brought that same strange comfort that it always did, but she was too on edge to appreciate it. 

‘This is dumb. Let me state for the record that this is so fucking dumb.’

Servando huffed. ‘I know, you’ve been telling me for a full month. But it’s gonna work, and even if it doesn’t we can just _mysteriously_ break up and then everything will be chill. This is the perfect plan.’

Alex scoffed, but she was too tired of arguing about this to raise any of her normal points. They’d be having this conversation rather frequently over the past few weeks, and she was beginning to understand that Servando would never see sense. If it wasn’t for the small kernels of hope and excitement, those familiar bastards, in her chest, Alex was pretty sure that she would be convinced that Servando was actually more invested in winning Kelley over — or ‘wooing’ her, as he insisted on putting it. 

‘This isn’t going to work.’

Servando groaned, the static produced making Alex wince. ‘Do you ever not think about the worst possible option? Didn’t anyone ever tell you to look on the bright side?’

‘I look on the bright side plenty, bastard!’ She yelped, but he had a point. There had been a significant rise in her habits of moping and pitying herself in the past couple of months — unrequited love was a bitch like that. 

‘Are you planning on dropping some of the hints tomorrow?’ Servando asked, excitement in his tone. Alex was at a training session for their friendly at the moment, and they had decided that it would be perfect for announcing their new “relationship” — she could spill it, then leave quickly once the match stuff was done with, and everything could blow over easily. This was the most simple way to play it. It wasn’t like this was during a big tournament or somethin, where she would have to continually face Kelley. 

‘Yeah.’ Alex sighed, before making a face. ‘Though I’m pretty sure people assumed we were dating after the first photo that we posted.’ Servando had insisted on posting multiple photos of each other to Instagram to try and make this seem more realistic — really, his excitement about this was borderline worrying. ‘I really don’t think that we needed to post all six. If anything that makes it seem even more fake. Like we are trying too hard.’

Servando made a noise of protest. ‘Okay, maybe you have a point, but we really have to sell this, Alex. Don’t forget I have my own reasons too.’

Alex rolled her eyes. ‘How can I forget. You’re definitely over exuberant about this purely for your own publicity. Just admit that you're way too invested in my love life and move on, asshole.

‘I’m hanging up if you’re not going to be nicer to me.’ She could practically hear her friend pouting over the phone, and couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her lips in response. 

‘I’m deeply sorry.’

There was a beat of silence. ‘You are most definitely not forgiven.’ Then there was the dial tone and Alex’s jaw dropped in shock. Servando was such an asshole. She knew that he was back in LA, probably shitting himself with laughter thinking about her reaction to that. She smiled as she placed her phone back onto her nightstand and settled into bed. He had been good for her in the past few weeks, and she was glad that they had reconnected. Servando had been one of her best friends in college, and the stress of real life had made her forget just how much she needed friends like that — all of the team were great, and she loved the friends that she had made in soccer, but Servando was removed from all of that slightly, and it was a relief in a way that Alex was too tired to try and analyse. 

Apprehension tightened her stomach at the thought of the next day — Kelley had always seemed so far out of her reach, even when she was right by her side. She was Alex’s best friend in the world, and the idea of anything more happening between them felt so distant. Now that she had a plan, though, and it was so close to being enacted, Alex wasn’t sure if she felt sick with nerves or excitement. This was everything that she had wanted for months, and the idea of it every working out for her seemed ridiculous and unrealistic, but Alex tried to talk herself into believing in the best, as Servando would. 

The night passed restlessly, and soon enough she was sat in the hotel dining room, with the rest of the team, having breakfast. Kelley was sat directly across from her, laughing about something with Allie, whilst Tobin sat at Alex’s elbow. Her presence was reassuring in a way, but Alex wouldn’t deny that she felt nervous about what was supposed to happened today — her and Servando were pretty sure that they had dropped enough hints to make some people ask certain questions, but he had told her to name drop him if nothing was going on. She had to push the plan forward, apparently. 

It began when Allie turned to her, wicked smile already carving its way across her face. She could tell from the glint in her friend’s eye that this wasn’t going to be good. ‘So, Alex.’ She began, a teasing lilt to her voice as the rest of the table turned to look at Allie. ‘Who’s this new man that you’ve been posting about?’

The eyebrow wiggle, typical of Allie, was certainly unnecessary, and Alex sighed even as she feigned surprise — she really needed any latent acting skills to come through for her right now. The rest of the table looked just as interested, despite Tobin and Christen, who Alex was pretty sure Tobin had told about her feelings. As she replied to Allie, Alex found her eyes fixed on Kelley’s expression, watching closely for any sign, for anything that could help grow the flickerings of hope in her chest. 

‘Who, Servando?’

‘Ooh, _Servando_,’ Allie pounced just on the mention of his name. ‘What’s going on with you and Servando, then.’

Alex tried for a sheepish, bashful kind of smile. ‘Uh, we’re old college friends. We met in a bar just after Christmas, and reconnected. It’s good to be back in contact with him, I missed talking to him.’ That bit was real, as was her soft smile. Servando was certainly one person that she greatly appreciated at the moment, even as she doubted his plan.

Kelley’s eyes flickered, the ghost of _something_ passing behind them, and Alex felt her heart leap into her mouth. She was hesitant to label it as hurt when it could just as easily be surprise or something else. Just as she was getting her hopes up, the real reason for Kelley’s reaction made itself apparent. ‘You didn’t tell me about this?’

Alex and Kelley were best friends — of course she was upset that Alex hadn’t told her about a significant development like a boyfriend. ‘Sorry, Kelley.’ She smiled apologetically, and shrugged. ‘Honestly there isn’t much to tell. We’ve only recently gotten together and we were waiting to tell people when we were actually with them rather than over the phone.’

Allie squealed even as Tobin sent her a confused look, one that promised a later follow-up, and Alex winced at the prospect. Kelley frowned, and her heart sank in her chest. This wasn’t quite how she wanted it to got, but most of them seemed convinced at any rate. Christen looked bemused, but professed that she was happy for her, and Alex suddenly got hit full force with immeasurable guilt. How could she lie like this to her friends and her teammates? She caught Kelley’s eye from across the table, a tight expression on the other girl’s face. 

Alex swallowed hard, a sudden lump in her throat as she tried to force herself to tear her gaze away. Eventually, Kelley’s eyes flicked away, attention drawn by something else whilst Alex found herself stuck. 

Of course this wasn’t going to work. 

She found herself sat amongst her friends, listening to the chatter and laughter around her even as it blurred. How could Alex ever have thought that this would be a good idea? Servando was an idiot — had been in college, and apparently was an even bigger one now. Why had she let herself get sucked into his stupid plan. She supposed it was because of the same reason that she did most things regarding Kelley — the stubborn, undying flames of hope that flickered and burned in her chest. Every time that she thought she had those fires under control, it was like fuel splattered across it, and she found herself burnt and hurt. 

\--

After breakfast, Tobin grabbed her elbow and pulled her aside. ‘Alex, what the fuck?’

‘What, Tobin?’ She jumped to the defensive, pulling her arm out of the other girl’s grip. She was already stuck in a stupid lie, with Kelley not caring in the slightest, and she didn’t need Tobin making things worse.

‘Like, three months ago, you were in love with Kelley, breaking down in a bar about it to me. Now you’re dating this dude? What the fuck are you doing, Alex?’ Tobin’s voice was harsh, but her tone leaked concern, and Alex knew that she wasn’t actually angry with her. 

She sighed, and turned away. It was hard to look Tobin in the eyes, and she wasn’t sure that she would be able to say what she wanted to say if she had to do so. Servando had agreed that it would be more suspect if they didn’t tell Tobin the truth, because she would figure it out anyway, and if they had Tobin on their side, she could help the lie seem more real. 

‘It’s hard, Tobin. It’s hard even thinking of her.’ Alex’s voice was quiet, but she knew that the other girl could hear her, and knew exactly who she was talking about. ‘I get this, this fucking stupid pain, right here.’ She gestured at her chest, her hand clutching the fabric of her t-shirt. Her breath shuddered in her own chest and every word tasted like acid. She shrugged as she continued: ‘Truthfully, it was Servando’s idea. He thought that, I don’t know, making Kelley _jealous_ or something was the way to make her see me as a legitimate romantic option, or some bullshit like that.’ 

Alex shook her head, no small hint of bitterness in her voice. She sighed and looked at her hands, focusing on the feeling of her own knuckles beneath her fingertips as she traced across her left hand with her right. ‘I don’t even know why I agreed. Maybe because it’s only been, like, two months and I already feel like I’m drowning after treading water for hours. I don’t know how to be without her, Tobs, but every moment that I even think of her makes me feel like jumping off the nearest building. I can’t take it anymore. Servando came up with a strategy, no matter how stupid it is, and I’m going along with it, because anything is better than drowning, Tobs.’

Tobin frowned. It was clear that she wasn’t quite sure how to approach her outburst, and Alex didn’t blame her. She just felt so empty after pouring it all out, and she let out a hollow chuckle. ‘You don’t have to say anything, Tobin. Just, do me a favour please, and don’t tell Christen this. I just, I don’t know, need to have control over this — I don’t have that over anything else.’

Tobin nodded after a moment, albeit reluctantly, before pulling Alex in for a tight hug. She rested her chin on her shoulder and squeezed tightly, forcing Alex to release tension in her shoulders that wasn’t even aware she had. That pretty much summed up how she felt these days — tense. Eventually, Tobin released her, patting her shoulder with a sad smile. Alex grimaced in return and turned to leave, satisfied enough with simply venting rather than waiting for empty platitudes. 

She felt eyes on her back as she traipsed back to the hotel room that she was sharing with Syd, the other girl absent from the room more often than not. Alex sent a quick text to Servando, updating him on what had happened, before she collapsed onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Solitude was getting tiring, but so was being around Kelley, who was, more often than not, exactly where all of Alex’s friends were. So, this seemed to be her only option. 

The time for morning training creeped closer and closer, and eventually, she rose with a sigh and grabbed her bag. At least soccer could serve as a distraction. She was tired of dealing with all these stupid fucking feelings, and nothing normally made her feel better than the sensation of a ball at her feet, and the satifying swish of a shot landing in the back of the net. 

These days though, even soccer hadn’t felt the same, and neither did anything else. 

Alex didn’t have a history of things like anxiety. Sure, she had always been hard on herself and more competitive than most people, but coaches and trainers had always lauded those qualities as things that gave her the edge over other players. She had certainly never thought that it was an issue. 

But now, Alex was beginning to feel more nervous than ever at the prospect of games. It wasn’t debilitating and was certainly something that she could handle, but the idea of it alone made her worried. 

She tried to dispel the thoughts from her mind as she brushed her teeth, focusing on the repetitive action and the movement of her wrist rather than the look in Kelley’s eyes when she told her about Servando, or the pity in the line of Tobin’s grimace afterwards. She didn’t linger on any of that, or at least, Alex told herself that she didn’t.

In reality, those moments, the brief snapshots that she couldn’t help but dwell on, cycled through her mind like they were on a conveyor belt of torture, specifically set up to cause herself the most amount of pain possible. 

Her head really was a dick sometimes.

\--

One thing that Alex hadn’t anticipated about her whole plan with Servando was that it went bigger than just between her and Kelley. This wouldn’t just affect them, or even the team. This was something that would have a much larger impact. 

She first became aware of that mere days after leaving after the England friendly, whilst preparing for the Algarve Cup. 

Her instagram had been flooded with comments after her latest photo of her and Servando together, which the two of them had conspired to release. Most of them were questions about whether or not the two of them were dating, or jokingly bemoaning that Alex seemed taken. 

It hit a little strangely — this was something that she would have to keep up and establish between more than just her and Kelley. She was in the public eye and people thinking that her and Servando were dating couldn’t just stop when she wasn’t around the national team, trying to sell a lie for a purpose. 

Alex had to live that lie now. 

She hated it. 

It wasn’t like she wasn’t into men — she had dated guys in the past, and was still open to the idea of dating them in the future. She knew that she was bi, and wasn’t afraid of that fact. She just wasn’t that open about it. 

The fact that people didn’t even seem to consider the possibility of her not dating the first dude that she talked about on social media made Alex angry for a whole other reason than the fact that she was lying about it all. 

‘It’s not that bad pretending to date me, Al.’ Servando joked across the phone line, chatting to Alex as she made her dinner. 

Alex frowned, sighing slightly as she focused on chopping some vegetables — she wasn’t the most natural of cooks and needed to focus quite a lot in the kitchen. 

‘It’s not about that, it’s the principle of the matter. They’re so stuck in their heteronormative mindset that they assume I’m dating the first attractive guy they see me with. It doesn’t even occur to them to consider the same thing when I post about women.’

‘You’re not exactly out, Alex.’ Servando reminded her gently. 

‘I’m not closeted, either. I was pretty open about dating the last ex-girlfriend, and I’m not subtle with the whole Kelley thing either.’

Servando laughed. ‘That’s true. Look, Alex, people aren’t going to change overnight. This is obviously something that matters a lot to you, so make a statement. It doesn’t have to be about anything else. It could be a post or anything — if you want to do something, do it.’

He made it sound so easy, so simple. As if all she had to do was click “post” and everything would fall magically into place. He did have a point, but that didn’t change the anxiety that erupted in her chest at the thought of it. 

Alex had to be the best and the prospect of people using this against her scared her. Her family knew, and accepted it, but sports could be a complicated environment sometimes, and whilst women’s soccer was one of the most pro-LGBT sports out there, that didn’t mean that everyone’s experience was simple. 

‘Maybe,’ Alex mused. 

It was something that she had entertained the possibility of, when she was staring up at the shadowed ceiling during one of her countless sleepless nights. It would be nice to solidify what it was that was known about her sexuality — people made assumptions both ways, and she found comfort in the idea of controlling what it was that people actually knew. 

‘It’s worth thinking about,’ Servando advised. ‘Just do what you think you would want someone else in your position to do.’

Alex wasn’t sure when Servando had become her best friend, but it hit her in that moment that he seemed to be the person who coached her through all her crises the most. 

‘Thank you, Serv.’ The words were softer than she perhaps meant, but full of the exact meaning and intention that she felt in her chest. Her heart felt pretty full, and there was a smile on her face that she knew he couldn’t see. 

‘I’ve gotta go, Alex, but I’ll talk to you later.’ His voice was warm, and Alex knew that she would never feel as alone with him in her life now. 

‘I’ll see you, Serv. Thanks.’ She replied, before hanging up, leaving her apartment quiet. For once she didn’t hate the silence that settled in the absence of her friends’ voices. 

For once, she found comfort in it.

**\-- January 2017 --**

The offer of going to Lyon for a season was not an expected or planned thing for Alex. She had gotten some emails from her agent a couple of times about it, and had been interested in the opportunity, but it was never something that she paid serious thought to.

Until suddenly the prospect of going to Lyon, objectively the best women’s club in the world, was far more realistic than before, and Alex found herself confronted by the idea. She had never planned to go to Europe for any length of time — that’s why she had been so thrilled by the establishment of the National Women’s League. 

But she had to face the facts — her soccer career was going well, but her personal life was not in the same condition. It was time that she made a choice that prioritised her own wellbeing, and that meant giving herself space from Kelley. Maybe the best way to do that was to play in France: after all, there had to be a reason that they said “out of sight, out of mind”, right?

Besides, signing with one of the best women’s league out there was likely the best way to raise her game. The Rio Olympics and the UWSNT’s early exit had been devastating for them all, and space from the US, as well as improving and honing her skills, sounded pretty good to Alex. Before she could overthink it too much, she sent an email to her agent, confirming that she was looking to take that opportunity from Lyon, and requesting the necessary paperwork. 

‘I think that it’s a good plan.’ Servando offered when she FaceTimed him later that evening, curled up in her Orlando apartment. His face was grainy through the shaky video, but she could see the honesty in his eyes and hear the concern in his voice. ‘You need to shake yourself up, and make a change if you want to move on. This seems to be the best, and most otherwise productive, way of doing so.’

His logic made perfect sense, but there was a certain kind of ache at the idea of being so far from Kelley, even though they had spent every single NWSL season on other sides of the country. She supposed that it was because this was a conscious choice that she was making, that she could control — signing this deal with Lyon was Alex making the active decision to put distance between herself and Kelley, as well as the decision to focus on her game. NWSL positions could be reasoned away, but this was her choice, and Alex was shocked by the suffocating nature of the weight that placed on her chest.

‘I know, Serv.’ Alex sighed, rubbing a hand over her brow, as if that could ease and erase her worries. Servando nodded forlornly, as if he knew exactly what she wasn’t saying. 

‘Look, Al, none of this was ever going to be easy.’ Servando began, his tone heavy, and Alex scoffed, trying not to let it turn too bitter. 

‘Oh really? I thought being in love with your best friend was supposed to be all sunshine and roses.’

Servando smiled and shook his head. ‘Shut up, asshole. I was trying to be nice. All I was saying was that the hardest decision is normally the right one. In this case, I think Lyon is going to be good for you. It’s not even just about Kelley, either — you know that you’ve been putting too much pressure on yourself with the National Team.’ Alex scowled but he was right. ‘France could be a way for you to wipe the slate clean and see the game differently.’

‘I know.’ Alex repeated. ‘I don’t know how long I’ll be over there, and I’m only on loan from Orlando, but Lyon is such a good club. It’s kind of cool to even be wanted by them.’

Servando laughed. ‘Sure, let’s pretend that the calibre of the club is your focus. Besides you’re the Alex Morgan, of course they want you.’

Alex scowled playfully. ‘Shut up, Serv. You’re so irritating — why do I even keep you around?’

‘Because I’m charming and we’re supposed to be on good terms after our break up.’

She groaned. ‘Why did we ever think that stupid plan was a good idea? It honestly just made things between me and Kell worse.’

Servando pouted. ‘Hey, I don’t think that’s true. You did kiss, after all, and you can’t rule out the possibility of our plan having an impact on that.’

Alex rolled her eyes. ‘Please just admit that it was a bad plan.’

‘Never.’

Suddenly, just as the conversation hit a lull, Alex’s oven timer went off, signalling that her food was done. ‘I gotta go, Serv, but I’ll keep you updated.’ He nodded and said his goodbye before hanging up, and Alex was hit by the silence that returned to her apartment — that was always the same. She sighed and got up to get her dinner out of the oven, setting it down on the table that was set for only one person, just as normal. 

France would be a good change of pace, a necessary one, she told herself as she began eating with a heavy heart, the sensation of which was more than familiar to her at this point. Besides, the pay was more than a bonus, and she had been waiting for an opportunity to flex her incredibly rusty highschool French skills.

\--

Alex warmed up on the sideline, the French winter air brisk and bracing. She smiled, the prospect of a good match warming her up. Lyon had felt like a satisfying fit from the moment that she touched down in Europe, though she felt no less isolating. Still, the feeling was more acceptable when she rationalised it as due to her being on a whole different continent. 

She was the only American on the team, with the majority of her clubmates being French, meaning that integrating was difficult — Alex had only been out here for a week or so. Several of them were familiar from previous stints in the NWSL or matches against the USWNT, such as Renard or Le Sommer. There was an odd comfort in familiar faces, even if there was still that disconnect between them. 

Nonetheless, none of that seemed to matter when she was faced with the prospect of a soccer match, and went through the comfortably familiar rituals that she always did before a game. Everything around her could change in every way, but soccer was steadfast and reliable. Soccer was what she knew, and what she could handle. Soccer was why she was in France, and Alex refused to fail. 

The whistle blown to signify the start of the match felt like music to her ears, and then it didn’t even matter that there was barely any audience, because she was settling into the familiar movements of running and pushing and yelling, and Alex felt like she could fly if she just urged her legs to work a little bit more. 

She got an early opportunity on goal, but Guingamp’s goalie made a solid kick-save that was frustrating but definitely respectable. In the 8th minute, she got another chance with a header but the keeper got another hand to it. The game had barely begun, and Alex felt the usual feelings of anger and frustration well up in her throat. 

This had been part of why she decided to move out to France for this season: she knew that she was placing too much pressure on herself, and that it wasn’t healthy. Soccer was a high-stress environment, and was full of pressure, but Alex felt like she was failing if she didn’t get a goal, and it wasn’t ideal for her already rocky state of mind. France and Lyon was supposed to be a new start, a way of beginning clean and fresh somewhere else for a while so that she could sort herself out. 

She took a deep breath and smiled when Le Sommer nodded at her — she had been as welcoming as possible, as had the other women, and the knowledge that she had her teammates supporting her comforted her as she jogged back towards the midfield. 

Le Sommer scored twice that evening. Her brace began in the 20th minute, but Alex assisted her next goal in the 26th with a cross that the French woman easily knocked into the back of the net. That same exhilaration ran through Alex’s veins, and the smile that stretched across her face wasn’t forced. The pressure was still there, but it was different. 

France felt different. 

Alex notched another assist that evening, though she couldn’t score off of any of her own chance, and whilst she wasn’t _okay_ with it, she didn’t feel that same guilt and frustration spike through her as she had been lately, since Rio, if she was being honest with herself.

She let herself smile in the locker room that evening, surrounded by teammates speaking in thick accents that she still couldn’t decipher yet, but the meaning of the grins on their face was anything but lost on her.

\--

Alex’s first French goal came on the 18th of March, during an away match against Albi. They were already three goals up, with Kumagai scoring off a penalty in the 4th minute, Hegerberg in the 30’ and Albily in the 39’. So, considering everything, the pressure wasn’t exactly piled on top of Alex. Nonetheless, she was determined to get a goal, to prove herself in this renowned club. 

The feeling of striking the ball just right and watching it sail into the back of the goal, swishing against the goal, was the best feeling in the world to Alex, and she had missed it. Playing in France had put her into an entirely different headspace, and this was the first goal that she had scored in a long time that reminded her of how much she loved soccer. Yeah, the World Cup had been brilliant to win and to play in, and every moment had been incredible, but playing in France was like playing for the sake of loving soccer, not because of wanting to make anyone proud, or to do it for her country, or anything like that. She hadn’t been sure about the decision to transfer to Lyon for the season, but this goal was what confirmed for her that she had made the correct decision.

That was only further backed up by her scoring another goal less than a minute later and cinching a 5-0 win for her team. Alex laughed as her teammates clapped her on the back, and she felt freer than she had in a long time as she felt herself fall back in love with soccer.

**\-- December 2017 --**

Orlando felt almost unbearably empty after the endearing chaos of the National Team during their friendlies the past couple of months. The city was bustling with life as normal, but Alex felt more isolated than usual. Tobin had stuck around for a while, but she had headed to California to see Christen as the holiday season crept even closer.

Alex was looking forward to seeing her family in Diamond Bar for Christmas, but there was a certain kind of simplicity to being alone in Orlando for a while. She didn’t have to plaster fake smiles across her face for the benefit of others, nor pretend that she had it all together when she felt like she had been falling apart for years. 

Lyon had been refreshing, and she felt like she was playing better soccer than ever, but she was glad that she hadn’t decided to stay for another season. America was where she belonged, and it hadn’t felt quite right in France, no matter how welcoming all of the other Lyon girls were — at least Alex could boast that her French had improved immensely over the past year. 

Still, as it always seemed to, her mind drifted back to Kelley. Things between them had been better this year than in 2016, with Alex finally feeling like they had put their kiss behind them. However, it wasn’t like things were perfect between them. Not by a long shot. 

Maybe that was why she was so surprised when Kelley turned up at her door. The other woman’s hair was windswept, and there were obvious bags under her eyes, like she hadn’t been sleeping well. Alex tried not to let the biting concern that she felt show, but knew that she gripped the other girl in a hug that was just slightly too tight. 

She struggled to bring herself to care. 

‘What are you doing here, Kelley? I thought you were going to Georgia?’ Bemusement coloured her tone, and rightly so. Kelley had been so excited to go see her family again after so long away from them, and Alex had no idea what could possibly lead her to Orlando. 

‘Can I come in?’ Kelley’s voice was slightly hoarse, but it seemed more from weariness than anything else. Alex cursed under her breath, annoyed at her own stupidity and bad manners, before tugging Kelley in by the arm. 

Once she had Kelley situated on the sofa, having dumped her bags in the living room, and there was a cup of coffee clasped in the other girl’s hands, Alex tried again. ‘What are you doing here, Kelley? Not that I’m not happy to see you, but it's a little odd.’ She hurried to correct her words, and the other woman smiled wryly. 

‘I missed you, Alex.’ The admission was soft, but there was no mistaking the words as they sent a shot through Alex’s heart. She wasn’t sure how she kept breathing, but Kelley continued, ‘Georgia was great for a few days, but it was there, with my family, that I actually realised what I was really missing. It wasn’t Georgia, or any of the people there.’ Kelley shrugged as she finally looked up and made eye contact with Alex through her eyelashes. ‘It was you.’

Her breath caught in her chest and Alex was pretty sure that she was going into cardiac arrest. She had half a mind to ask Kelley to call her an ambulance, but managed to collect herself. The smile that she sent the other woman was just as soft and small as Kelley’s own. ‘I missed you too, idiot. Nothing’s been the same lately.’

The two of them shared a look, and Alex found her heart beating erratically in her chest. She took a deep breath before getting up and walking to the kitchen. ‘I was just about to make myself some breakfast, if you want any?’

Kelley made a hum of agreement before Alex heard her get to her feet and pad up behind her. ‘Let me make my usual smoothie. I assume you threw out the blender you took from LA all those years ago?’

Alex blanched at the memory. ‘Dude, you had like ten blenders, you can’t still be mad that I took one. And why would I have thrown it out? I still make your smoothies, although I don’t think I ever get them quite right.’

‘You stole the best one.’ Kelley grumbled, pouting, before turning to face Alex with a frown. ‘Also, how dare you steal my recipe? You know you can never live up to me when it comes to making smoothies.’

Alex rolled her eyes before reaching into a nearby cupboard and pulling out the aforementioned blender. ‘Here you go, prove yourself right, then, Kelley.’ At the challenge, the other girl’s eyes narrowed and she began pulling out ingredients from the fridge, mixing them altogether in the blender whilst promising Alex that her smoothie would be way better than anything Alex had ever made herself. 

Once Kelley finally deemed the smoothie finished, she poured it out into a glass and handed it to Alex, a smug grin already spreading across her face. ‘Go on, then.’ Warily, Alex brought the glass to her lips and took a swig. Fucking Kelley. Of course she made the smoothie ten times better than Alex did, it was the Kelley Special after all. 

‘Fuck you.’

The other woman threw her head back and laughed, and Alex felt that familiar churning in her stomach that made her feel like she was going to throw up. She plastered a smile across her face. ‘Go on, then.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘What’s your secret?’

‘Cinnamon.’ Kelley confessed, a grin spreading across her face and Alex tried to ignore the way that it made her heart sing. ‘The secret is cinnamon, you dumbass. I told you this years ago.’

‘Did you honestly expect me to remember that?’ Alex protested, flinging her hands in the air in frustration. Trust Kelley to act like an asshole about everything. 

Kelley just laughed, infuriating Alex. ‘It’s not my fault you don’t cherish the memory of our time in LA, Alex.’

Fucking Kelley had no idea just how much Alex thought back to that time. To evenings that passed in easy quiet, or nights spent laughing and drinking, or lazy mornings when all they did was lie on the couch and bitch about The Bachelor. Alex cherished every second that she got to spend with Kelley, and the other girl had no idea.

She cleared her throat uncomfortably, before grabbing her glass from the counter and moving on, walking back to the couch. ‘Whatever, asshole.’

Kelley called out after her, ‘Come on, Alex, let’s do something fun today!’

‘Like what?’ She snorted, flopping onto the couch as Kelley followed after her, pouting. Suddenly, a wicked smirk over took the other girl’s face. 

‘Mario Kart tournament?’

Alex groaned. ‘No! You always get way too competitive and we end up breaking something. Didn’t you learn anything over the past few years?’

Kelley shook her head, grinning widely, before shoving Alex. ‘Come on, I know that you still have it.’ Alex did indeed still have that damn game. She got up with a dramatic groan, frowning as she set up the game and Kelley began to claim that she would “kick her ass”.

‘Shut your fucking mouth, dumbass. I’ll win, just like I always do.’ Alex shut her down, pointing her controller at her as they settled on the couch, Kelley leaning forward in anticipation on the first race. They selected their characters, with Kelley going for Toad like she always did, before turning to tease Alex. 

‘You should choose Baby Peach, Baby Horse.’

Alex rolled her eyes, and shoved Kelley slightly, ignoring the other woman’s raucous laughed. ‘You’re so irritating, Kell.’ She told her, frowning, as if that would cover up the blatant affection in her tone. She couldn’t even act like she hated Kelley. ‘Let’s just play.’

Alex didn’t protest though against Kelley’s teasing smile when she did choose Baby Peach. 

‘I bet you 20 bucks that I’ll win.’ There was Kelley’s entirely unearned confidence. Alex snorted. 

‘Sure. Bring it.’

‘How the fuck do you always get the extra boost, asshole!’ The trash talk began almost immediately as Kelley complained, jostling against Alex as she tried to shove her to get Alex’s car off the track. Alex laughed despite herself. 

‘Cinnamon is the secret.’ Alex parroted Kelley’s earlier words in a mocking tone, laughing when Kelley pouted and pushed against her side in protest. Alex decided not to think about how much she liked the feeling of Kelley slotted in against her side, instead focusing on the race and kicking Kelley’s ass.

About halfway through the first race, Kelley’s hand detached itself from her controller and Kelley tried to shove Alex’s so that she would steer off of the road. Alex resisted until Kelley’s hand fell from the cold plastic, instead landing on her thigh. 

Alex chose not to say anything when she instantly lost control of her character’s car and veered off the side of the track, with Kelley cheering and jeering at her. She looked across at the other woman, and saw how her cheeks were flushed scarlet with excitement, and she was practically standing up in her overdramatic efforts to win. 

Kelley distracted her to the point where she didn’t even realise that her car had been placed back on the track and was waiting for her to start driving again. Alex shook herself back to reality and tried to focus on the race, especially considering that Kelley had used this as an opportunity to take a narrow lead. Despite her best efforts though, her mouth was still dry and she couldn’t stop sneaking glances at Kelley out of the corner of her eye. 

In the end, Alex won that race, and didn’t even celebrate as extravagantly as she normally did because Kelley was pouting. She was so fucking soft for this girl. 

Their tournament lasted for a while, as Kelley refused to admit defeat and instead challenging Alex to as many rematches as she could get away with. Eventually, when Alex had beat Kelley in 5 straight rematches, she put the controller on the coffee table and turned to face Kelley.

‘Give it up. You’ve lost.’

Kelley frowned. ‘No, we need to keep playing.’

‘No way, Kell. You owe me 20 dollars.’ Alex crowed. ‘Come on, we made a bet.’ The other girl huffed and sighed as she reluctantly pulled out a crumpled 20 dollar bill from her back pocket, shoving it roughly towards Alex. 

‘Asshole.’ Kelley mumbled as she did so, pouting like some sort of petulant child. Alex laughed as she folded the bill and put it in her own pocket, absentmindedly wondering how the fuck she fell in love with someone like Kelley. 

Then, the other girl leaned slightly into Alex, a small soft smile on her face, and, with her heart skipping about ten beats, Alex realised that it didn’t matter how it happened — the only thing that mattered was that it had, and she was pretty sure that there existed no sweeter torture.

\--

After a night of laughing and drinking copious amounts of alcohol, Alex finally plucked up the courage to ask Kelley why she was really in Orlando. She was curled up in the armchair, and dusk had settled in Florida. With darkness and drunkenness came bravery. ‘I love that you’re here.’ She said, the room dark enough that she was pretty sure Kelley wouldn’t see her blush as she slurred. ‘But I’m worried.’

Silence hung awkwardly between them and Alex was about to apologise when Kelley sighed and finally spoke up from where she was splayed across the opposite couch. ‘Me and Ann broke up.’ The words were bitter, and she scoffed as she spoke. Alex tried not to overthink it and focus on being what she knew Kelley needed her to be — a friend. 

‘What happened?’

‘I don’t even know, Alex.’ Frustration was seeping into Kelley’s voice, and it was obvious that she had been bottling this up. Alex stared up at the ceiling as she listened to Kelley speak, unable to even look at the other woman. ‘One second we were good, or at least I thought we were, and now she wants nothing to do with me.’

Alex didn’t say anything for a while, stuck on the broken sounding crack in Kelley’s voice and cursing the woman who had put it there. ‘I’m sorry, Kelley, but, for what it’s worth, Ann wasn’t worth it if she was willing to break up with you like this. You should be with someone who never wants to let you go.’

She had to resist the urge to scream that person was her, that Kelley had had the right girl underneath her nose the whole time, and she was probably drunk enough to do so anyway. 

Kelley sniffled, the darkness covering her tears, before whispering, ‘Thank you, Alex. Really.’

Alex nodded, though she knew that Kelley wouldn’t be able to tell. ‘Anything for you, Kell.’ She hated how true that was, but there was nothing she could do about it. 

They kept drinking for a while, silence hanging between them for a bit. But Alex was alright with that — they had had more awkward silences in the past. When she was with Kelley like this, she could just about convince herself that everything between them was okay, and that it was still like all those years ago in LA, after London. 

Back when Alex wasn’t hopeless in love, and Kelley wasn’t hopeless oblivious to that fact. 

‘Match me for shots.’ Kelley slurred, already pretty drunk. But Alex didn’t have training in the morning and she wasn’t exactly known for making the best decisions, especially when alcohol or Kelley were involved. 

‘Alright.’ She hauled herself into an upright position, grabbing the tequila from the coffee table. ‘You really need to stop challenging me, though.’

Kelley laughed. ‘I want m’ twenty back.’ She said, a deep throaty chuckle accompanying her words that Alex shivered at. ‘If you stop first, you gotta give it back.’

Alex nodded. ‘You’re not gonna win, loser.’ Her taunts were not exactly top notch at one am when she was plastered as shit, but she was sure she could be forgiven for that. 

They both downed about five shots, wincing each time at the familiar burn in their throats. ‘Ugh, why the fuck did we do this again?’ Kelley murmured, an obvious slur to her words as she spoke.

Alex giggled, sounding drunk even to herself. ‘Because we’re dumb as shit.’ Kelley snorted, nodding in agreement as she poured herself another shot. She eyed the glass warily as she brought it up to her lips, groaning. 

‘This is a bad idea.’ She mumbled, before throwing back and grimacing as she swallowed it down. She passed the bottle wordlessly to Alex, gesturing for her to do the same. Alex poured one out, excess alcohol spilling over the edges as she clumsily brought it up to her lips and choked it down. 

‘I’m not down yet, O’Hara.’ She boasted, although she was in such a state that it probably didn’t sound as glorious and victorious as she wanted it to. Kelley frowned at her, grabbing the bottle again and pouring out one last shot. 

She squeezed her eyes shut and Alex watched, muffling her laughter, as she tired to psych herself up. ‘Come on, Kelley.’ She scolded herself before bringing it up to her lips. Apparently the smell of the tequila was too much for Kelley though as she wrinkled her nose roughly and put the shot back on the table, almost spilling it in her haste. ‘Nah, fuck that.’

‘You owe me another twenty.’ Alex tried to gloat, but she was feeling pretty nauseous at this point, and she was more thankful than anything else that Kelley had decided to stop because she was rather convinced that if she had drunk anything else, she would have been headed to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. 

‘Shut the fuck up, Morgan.’ Kelley groaned, wiping her face, which was a bit pale. ‘Get me to the bathroom.’ 

Alex struggled to her feet and guided Kelley to the toilet, although it was a bit like the blind leading the blind as they stumbled around Alex’s dim apartment, giggling drunkenly. Kelley winced at the brightness of the lights, covering her face with her arm as she stumbled to the sink to rinse her face. 

She left Kelley leaning against the white porcelain of the bathroom sink as she staggered to the kitchen, fetching two glasses out of the cupboard and filling them with water, bringing them through to the bathroom. Kelley nodded gratefully as she took one of them, grimacing as she drank it. 

‘Maybe get some Advil ready?’ Kelley suggested, squinting up at Alex, who nodded, and turned on her heel again. She had to rummage around for a bit, not remembering where she kept the painkillers in her drunken haze, but she eventually located some in her bedside drawer, placing them on the side, ready for their impending morning hangovers. 

Alex stumbled back to the bathroom where Kelley still sat, her eyes closed as she tried to breathe steady. She couldn’t help but laugh, before pulling at Kelley’s arm. ‘Let’s go. I’m gonna pass out and I don’t want to spend the night on the floor.’

Kelley pouted but allowed herself to be dragged along. Alex’s bedroom was dark, and she couldn’t suppress her laugh well enough when Kelley walked straight into the bedside table, letting loose a string of profanities. 

‘You’re an asshole, Morgan. You put that there just to hurt me.’

‘Uh, yeah.’ Alex agreed, shaking her head, before practically collapsing on the bed, thankful that they had spent the evening in t-shirts and sweats. ‘Just go to sleep, Kelley. You can hate me in the morning.’

‘I don’t think I’d ever hate you, Alex.’ Kelley slurred as she curled up on the other side of the bed, and Alex may have been drunk, but she was still able to understand what Kelley was saying. Her heart practically stopped in her chest and she fought the urge to throw up, blaming it on the alcohol churning in her stomach. 

Alex chose not to answer Kelley, instead turning her back on the other girl and wrapping herself in her share of the covers. Kelley’s legs were cold against hers, the exposed skin of the other woman’s ankles tracing across Alex’s own. ‘Get off, your feet are freezing.’ She mumbled, turning back around to face the other girl, looking at her through half-lidded eyes. 

She tried not to pay attention to the way that her breath caught in her chest at the adorable sleepy expression on Kelley’s face, or the way that her hair seemed perfectly mussed. Alex knew that she was blatantly staring, but she couldn’t bring herself to care as Kelley didn’t seem to notice. 

‘Cuddle me, then.’ The other woman demanded as she pouted, and Alex rolled her eyes. 

‘Fine, but get your feet away from me.’ She acquiesced, as if the very idea of this didn’t make her feel like her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

Kelley grumbled her assent, and Alex wrapped her arms around the other woman, burying her face in the skin of her neck and the soft material of her t-shirt, trying to convince herself that she could handle this. She was aware of a kind of reverence in the way that she touched Kelley, and she couldn’t help but feel it was applicable: after so many nights of yearning, this felt forbidden to Alex. It wasn’t the first time that they had shared a bed, not by a long shot, but that didn’t seem to matter to her blood pressure. Kelley’s whispered words didn’t help her attempts to stay calm. 

‘I think you’re my favourite person in the whole world, Alex.’

There was a beat of silence before Alex swallowed and managed to croak out a reply through the lump in her throat. ‘I think you are too, Kell. More than anyone else.’ She was painfully aware of the desperate honesty leaking into her tone, praying that the way that the words were muffled by Kelley’s back would mean that the other woman didn’t pick up on anything. 

Plus the fact that they were both fucking wasted. 

Kelley soon drifted off to sleep, her breathing even and peaceful. Alex was exhausted, but couldn’t manage to fall asleep, hyper aware of the feeling of Kelley in her arms, feeling guilty for how much she wanted to savour this moment. 

‘I love you, Kelley.’ She whispered into the darkness, sure that this would be her only chance to ever say those words. They’re rough with alcohol, weariness and emotion and Alex blinks back tears at some point. ‘‘I’ve loved you so much for so long, and I don’t think I can go another second without saying the words.’

The admission was quiet, and Alex knew that Kelley hadn’t heard her, too deep asleep for that. The depth of her love for Kelley always shocked her, so the bitter taste in her throat wasn’t welcome or expected, but it was also something she was growing used to. She eventually managed to drift off herself, mind still spinning with thoughts and heart still beating too quickly in her chest for her to really sleep peacefully, but it was enough all the same to lie there in the darkness, with Kelley’s skin pressed against hers. 

It was enough for Alex to pretend like this was all that she wanted, like she was happy and satisfied with having Kelley briefly and vaguely, when in reality she wanted every second of time and attention from the other woman so badly that she thought she was going to explode. 

In the dappled silver moonlight peeking through the crack in the blinds, she could just make out the outline of Kelley next to her, and ached to reach out and touch what was so close but yet so far. She wanted to trace the evidence and marks of her love into every inch of Kelley’s skin, to entangle herself so thoroughly with the other woman that neither could be sure when one ended and the other began. 

But that was a problem for an Alex that didn’t feel a pounding headache settling in the back of her skully, and a dry itchy throat. That was a problem for an Alex who had the space and privacy to sulk and wallow and resort to drowning her feelings. That was a problem for future Alex, when she spent Christmas wearing a mask of happiness that everyone had long since realised was far too cracked to be real. 

Current Alex was way too tired for any of that shit, and instead decided to revel in the feeling of Kelley lying in her arms, back pressed against her chest and legs, despite Alex’s protests about her feet, stubbornly entangled with her own.

\--

Distance was a strange thing, but, then again, so was Alex’s life in general. Soccer had taken her all over America and then to other cities and then to Lyon and Alex wasn’t sure why she was shocked when she found that she couldn’t outrun her feelings. 

Still, being back in Orlando had felt strange from the moment that her plane touched down. 

There were so many ways that her life overlapped with Kelley’s and so many ways that it didn’t. In LA, after the Olympics, Kelley’s life had permeated every inch of Alex’s own so completely that she wasn’t sure that she could separate herself. Still, they had managed and then they were on opposite sides of the country, with Alex in Portland, then Orlando, and Kelley in New Jersey. Thousands of miles stretched between them and each one seemed immeasurable to Alex. 

But then it was like they would fall back into place every time that their lives re-collided. Every National Team camp, every tournament, every NWSL match between her team and Kelley’s — they each gave Alex the same feeling in her stomach that had come to associate with waking up to the smell of coffee and the sound of Kelley’s soft singing in the kitchen in LA all those years ago. 

\--

Alex cracked her dry, aching eyes open the next morning, after about three hours of sleep, to hear Kelley’s whistling throughout the apartment. She squeezed her eyes shut again for a couple of seconds, wishing that she could have just stayed asleep, before groaning and pushing herself up and out of bed. 

After she had downed half her water and thrown back a painkiller, she padded through to the kitchen, yawning as she went, to where Kelley was busying herself with the blender and a couple of bowls. ‘What are you doing?’ She grumbled, voice hoarse with sleep and from her hangover. 

Kelley laughed at her rumpled state before turning back to what she was doing. ‘Making breakfast, sit down.’

‘You truly are the backbone of this family.’ Alex snarked as she followed Kelley’s orders and took a seat at the breakfast bar, still rubbing sleep from her eyes. It had been a restless night and she wasn’t that happy that she had been woken up when she had finally grasped that elusive sleep.

Kelley rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. ‘Do you want me to make you breakfast or not?’

‘I’m just saying that I don’t know how I ever survived on my own without you.’ Alex said, a little too honestly. But Kelley laughed.

‘Fair enough — you’re an awful cook. Remember when you gave me and Tobin food poisoning?’

Alex smirked. ‘I did tell you that I couldn’t cook. There’s a reason that they don’t let me in the kitchen at home.’

Kelley winced at the memory, holding her stomach. ‘Yeah, and I should have believed you rather than accusing you of just trying to skip out on chores.’ She finished adding ingredients to the soon-to-be smoothie, whizzing it quickly and then placing a glass of the concoction in front of Alex. She gratefully began drinking it. 

Alex didn’t like dwelling on how empty her life felt sometimes, but once she had had people here like this, it reminded her of how, when she was on her own, the apartment felt even bigger and lonelier than it ever did before. 

Living like this with Kelley was something that Alex could certainly get used to, but she didn’t want to think about that and slip down that particular rabbit hole. She didn’t need to imagine being able to wake up every day to Kelley in her bed, to Kelley in her kitchen, to Kelley being an unwavering constant in her life in exactly the way that she yearned for.

This was dangerous territory — too domestic for Alex to not feel that familiar ache grow in her chest as she watched Kelley move in her kitchen, shorts slung low on her hips and humming brightly. She longed to move behind the other girl, to press easy kisses along the gentle slope of her neck, to feel Kelley’s warm skin beneath her hands. 

Alex cleared her throat sharply, just as Kelley placed a bowl full of granola, yogurt and fruit in front of her. ‘Enjoy.’ The other girl told her with a teasing smile, though Alex noticed that Kelley didn’t look her in the eyes, which struck her as strange. Kelley took a seat next to Alex at the counter, busying herself with her own bowl, and Alex couldn’t help but notice that their normal easy banter was missing, it’s absence stark in the silence that it left behind. 

‘Everything okay, Kelley?’ Alex asked warily, looking at the other woman out of the corner of her eye. She nodded brightly, before looking down to her bowl. Something was up, but it was clearly not anything that Kelley wanted Alex to push further, so she let it go for now. 

Kelley was probably just still upset over the break up, Alex supposed. She sighed to herself, unsure of how to proceed. She had been painfully privy to Ann and Kelley’s relationship, but she had never been confident in how to handle it. There wasn’t exactly a handbook to guide her through the person she was in love dating someone else. Actually, there’s probably a WikiHow article on it out there, but that was a level that even Alex wasn’t quite ready to stoop to.

‘Let’s go out today.’ Alex declared, a bright look on her face that she hoped would convince her slightly forlorn friend. ‘There’s loads of shit to do in Orlando.’

Kelley looked doubtful. ‘I kind of just wanted to stay in with you today. Maybe have a movie marathon?’ She looked so wistful at the mere idea of spending the day curled up watching films that Alex pretty much instantly melted and acquiesced. 

‘Alright.’ Alex relented, before getting up and grabbing her empty bowl. ‘I need to head out to get a few things. You can either come with, or stay and choose some films.’ She headed to the sink, collecting Kelley’s bowl as she went with a nod of her head

Kelley seemed to think about it for a moment before shrugging. ‘I guess I’ll come with you. You hate my taste in movies, so we should choose together.’

Alex nodded her approval. ‘First though, I need to shower, because I smell like tequila and so do you.’ It was blunt, but it made Kelley laugh, which really was the only thing that mattered. 

‘You’re not wrong.’ Kelley screwed up her nose jokingly. ‘You certainly stink.’

‘Get the fuck out of here, O’Hara.’ She deadpanned, throwing a towel at the other woman as she yelped and ducked, laughing as she did so. Kelley winked, and Alex tried to ignore the way that her heart skipped a beat as she did so. She was so focused on that, she didn’t notice the other woman grab one of her cleats off the floor and chuck in Alex’s general direction. It clattered to the floor near her, and Alex let out an embarrassing squeak. 

‘I’ll kill you, Kelley.’ She warned before grabbing a glass of ice water and beginning to advance on the other woman. ‘You’re dead meat.’

By the time that they were ready to leave for the store, Alex’s kitchen was covered in splashes of water, the floor was littered with thrown cushions and two lamps had been broken. She couldn’t bring herself to care in the slightest, revelling instead in the sound of Kelley’s laughter, breezy and airy in the morning light.

**\-- June 2015 --**

Alex wasn’t sure when she fell out of love with soccer. It was a strange thing to think about, but that was the only thing running through her mind as she sat on the plane to Canada. She was headed to a World Cup, and all that Alex could think about was how even the thought of playing made her feel sick for several reasons. She couldn’t bear the idea of not being out there, but the thought of being on the field was equally as bad.

Her knee injury in April had been devastating. It had been in a match against the Breakers, and when Alex went down, she had known instantly that this wasn’t good. She had spent the build-up to the World Cup recovering, and she felt ready to go, but she knew that Jill probably wouldn’t play her for a while — she certainly wouldn’t start her.

That was frustrating in itself, but the worst part was that Alex didn’t even know how she felt about it. She knew that she should be focused on recovering from her injury and making sure that she was back to full health before anything else, but she couldn’t help but be uncomfortable at the realisation that she wasn’t that upset about not being a starting prospect. Soccer had become more of a source of pressure these days than it ever had before.

She sighed and pulled out her phone, determined to waste some time playing stupid games. The team were all situated in the same section, and Alex had been put in the window seat next to Cheney — or Holiday, as she was now. She had put her headphones in from the second she was on the plane, making it clear that she wasn’t exactly in the mood for chatting. 

Thankfully, the flight was pretty quick, and they landed in Winnipeg not too much later. They had about two weeks before the tournament started, with the US coaches wanting to get some time for practices and training sessions. Their first game was against Australia, ranked 10th in the world but not anything to scoff at. 

‘What’s up, Morgan? You seem off.’ Holiday asked as they gathered their things to get off the plane. She sighed, the other player’s concern putting an end to Alex’s hope that she could get through this plane ride unbothered. 

She shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Lauren. I’m alright, just tired, I guess.’ 

Holiday frowned, not sure about her excuse, but didn’t press the issue, which Alex was thankful for. It had been a hard couple of months — everything felt different since February. Kelley wasn’t exactly pulling away, but it was obvious that it wasn’t quite right between the two of them. Combining her personal crisis with her career crisis in which she found herself not loving soccer anymore, Alex thought that she was entitled to feel a little bit moody. 

The atmosphere in the camp was one of excitement though, and it was hard for her to stay down. The familiar feeling of being with some of her favourite people and her national teammates helped cheer Alex up. Kelley and Alex were rooming whilst they were in Winnipeg, and Alex wasn’t sure if she was happy about that fact or not. 

On one hand it meant that Alex would get to spend more time with Kelley than she had in awhile. However it also meant that she had to deal with hiding her feelings constantly — it was a lot easier to cover up feelings when there were miles between them. 

She threw her bag onto the bed near the window, before turning around to face Kelley. ‘Fancy a trip downtown?’

The other girl shrugged as she laid claim to the other bed. ‘I mean sure, but when do we have to be back.’

‘They said that we have the afternoon to ourselves and that we have a team meeting after dinner, so I thought we could go get coffee or something.’ Alex said, scrolling through her phone as she searched for a nearby coffee shop. She looked up just in time to see something in Kelley’s expression soften. 

‘Yeah, sounds good.’ The other girl murmured, a strange flush on her cheeks. Alex shrugged it off, before getting up and sliding her phone into her pocket. 

‘Come on, we can unpack later.’

Kelley laughed, the sound almost musical, and Alex swallowed hard and tried not to let a too affectionate an expression cross her face. ‘Alright, alright, I’m coming.’ She grabbed her hotel room key, before allowing Alex to usher her out of the door and into the hallway.

‘How’s you and Servando?’ Kelley asked as they stood in the elevator, and Alex’s blood immediately ran cold. She didn’t want to have to talk about that right now, not when she was trying to distance those feelings from the way that she acted, and Kelley asking was not going to end well. 

‘Fine.’ Alex tried to smile, and Kelley laughed, probably taking it as her being shy or something. ‘We obviously aren’t always near each other, seeing how he’s in LA a lot and I’m in Portland, but its good. 

Kelley gave her a weird look. ‘You sure? If you need me to, you know I’ll kick his ass for you.’

Alex gave a strangled laugh, tensing up with nerves. This was like the opposite of the kind of situation that she wanted to be in right now. She needed this conversation to end as quickly as possible. ‘Trust me, Kelley. Everything’s fine.’ She smiled at Kelley, whilst panickedly trying to think of something to change the subject to. 

‘Good, because you’re the most important person in the world to me, Alex.’ Kelley said, entirely serious. Alex thought that she was about to die. She faked a smile — she might be the most important person to Kelley, but it wasn’t in the way that she wanted and the mere knowledge of that made Alex want to throw herself out of the window. 

‘I know, Kell.’ She acquiesced, not meeting her eyes. ‘Trust me, everything’s fine.’ Kelley relented, with one last wary look, before instantly brightening as she moved on. 

‘I, uh, have something to tell you.’ Kelley’s expression was slightly bashful but radiated happiness either way, and Alex wasn’t sure what to expect. The elevator doors dinged open and they walked out into the lobby, approaching the hotel doors. 

‘What’s up?’ Alex asked, concern blossoming in her throat. 

Kelley grinned slightly. ‘I’ve started dating someone.’ She admitted as they stepped out of the hotel and into the bright afternoon sunshine. 

Alex felt her heart shatter into a million pieces right there in her chest. Her throat seemed like it was closing up and breathing was a difficulty. Holy fucking shit, what was she supposed to say to this? 

Alex had known that this was an inevitability, that she would have to watch Kelley find happiness with someone else, that she would have to watch Kelley find what she wanted with someone other than herself. She had thought that she was prepared for the opportunity, but she wasn’t expecting to have the breath knocked out of her in quite this way. 

Of course Kelley had found someone else — this was Kelley. Everyone loved her, and rightfully. Whoever this woman was, she had to be the luckiest woman in the world, but Alex couldn’t help the bitter taste that rose in the back of her throat as she looked at the smile Kelley couldn’t suppress. 

All she ever wanted was for Kelley to be happy, but she just wished that Kelley could have been happy with her. 

‘What’s her name?’ Alex forced out, faking a grin, trying to make it look like she was as excited as she knew Kelley wanted to her to be for her. 

‘Ann.’ Kelley admitted, ducking her head like she was shy and Alex was pretty sure that she was going to cry in a minute. ‘We went to Stanford together, and recently reconnected. You and Servando actually gave me the idea to reach out.’ Kelley beamed and Alex felt nauseous. Of fucking course they had. 

‘I guess I should say you’re welcome, then.’ She teased, shoving Kelley so that she could blink away her tears without the other girl looking at her too hard. ‘I’m really happy for you, Kell.’ 

‘Yeah?’ Kelley asked with a small, unsure smile. 

Alex felt her heart swoop to her stomach and choked out the words that bitterly rested on her tongue. ‘Of course, you’re my best friend. I’m sure Ann is brilliant.’

Kelley beamed, and it was like the sun shone a little brighter. ‘Okay, good, because you’re the first person I’ve told, and obviously your approval is the most important one.’

Alex laughed. ‘Obviously, but what would Mamma O’Hara say?’

The other girl jokingly waved a dismissive hand. ‘Your opinion comes first.’ 

‘Well, I guess I can’t wait to meet her then.’ Alex said, painting a smile across her face like that could cover the depth of her devastation. Maybe she wasn’t as good at dealing with this as she thought she was. 

\--

Alex didn’t start the Australia game. She didn’t even step over the line until the 83’. She hated how anxious she felt watching the game from the sidelines, her leg jumping up and down as she sat on the bench. The only thing that she found even remotely calming was Kelley’s presence next to her. The smaller girl was tucked into her side, and spent most of the game chatting nonsense about something. Alex honestly couldn’t have told anyone what it was Kelley was telling her, because she was too focused on either the game or the way that Kelley’s mouth moved around the shape of her words. 

Her anxiety didn’t ease when she stepped foot on the field. They were two goals up and Australia was looking the least dangerous that they had all game. There really was no need for Alex to feel any sort of pressure as she subbed in for Syd, but no amount of logic could defeat her feelings these days. She felt nerves constrict her breathing slightly, tightening her chest as she jogged onto the pitch. 

She made a couple of runs up and down the flank of the pitch, but there wasn’t much she could do in ten minutes. The match ended with a win for the US, but Alex still felt nausea swirling in her stomach when she came off the pitch, forcing a smile as everyone celebrated a solid win. Kelley shot her a concerned glance, but Alex brushed it away, loathe to deal with that right now. She needed to be alone. 

Tobin caught up with her as she left the locker room and fixed her with an appraising look. ‘Wanna talk about it?’

‘Not really.’ Alex gritted out between clenched teeth, clutching the strap of her bag. Tobin huffed a laugh, clearly unsurprised by Alex’s answer — she wasn’t exactly famous for opening up about her feelings. 

Tobin shrugged. ‘Want to watch shitty Netflix shows in my room till we have to go for team meeting?’

‘God, yes.’ Alex sighed, managing a genuine smile when Tobin chuckled at that. ‘You know me too well, Tobs.’

The other woman raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, after all these years, I certainly expect so.’ Alex sent her a grateful smile, the weight of their unspoken words heavy. Alex knew that Tobin knew at least a little about what was going on, and she was immeasurably thankful for the other woman’s support. 

An evening of watching shitty tv sounded pretty perfect to her as she looped an arm around Tobin’s shoulders, drawing her in for a quick side hug. Maybe she could actually get through this tournament without breaking down. What an achievement that would be.

\--

Alex came on in the 78’ for Syd against Sweden. The other woman shot her a tired smile, sweat glistening on her brow. Sweden were holding them to a goalless draw, and Alex felt antsy — her entrance into the game actually mattered now. She felt the pressure weighing on her shoulders as she ran onto the pitch. 

She vaguely heard Kelley shout encouragement after her, and couldn’t help but feel a little amusement. No matter how things were between her and Kelley, the other woman always seemed to know exactly how to brighten Alex back up. 

She got a couple chances in her time on the field, trying to make the most of the long balls that were sent her way, but despite their weariness, the Swedish defense did their job well. She couldn’t manage to score, and neither did any of her teammates. The match ended the same way it began: 0-0.

‘You did what you could, Alex.’ Kelley told her in a low voice that she was pretty sure no one else could hear. The gesture was appreciated but did nothing to quell the swirling frustrations in her mind. She shrugged, knowing her words would be too biting and rough to speak. 

Kelley patted her on the shoulder, understanding etched into her features and Alex hated how it made her ache. No one had ever understood her quite like Kelley, and yet it always still caught her slightly off guard when Kelley seemed to read her mind exactly and get everything exactly right. 

\--

Most of the time, loving Kelley was easy. 

Yes, there were times when the ache in Alex’s chest that she was beginning to grow accustomed to was so sharp and keen that she had to catch her breath for a moment. Yes, there were times when she burned to trail her fingers up and down Kelley’s skin, with the knowledge that she couldn’t bitter in the back of her throat. Yes, there were times when the sheer unfairness of it all made Alex want to put her fist straight through a wall, when even the thought of Kelley’s beaming grin hurt more than the pain radiating from her knuckles would. 

But, most of them time, loving Kelley came as naturally and easy as breathing to Alex, and it didn’t feel like there was a ten ton weight on her chest restricting her.

After all, there were a lot of ways to say “I love you”. Alex was pretty sure that at this point she had mastered most of them. It was in the way that she texted Kelley “don’t stay up too late” when Sky Blue lost a game, and she knew that the other woman would be up berating herself for all her perceived mistakes. It was there in how Alex laid a gentle hand of warning on Kelley’s shoulder when they were out and she knew how the other woman itched to order just one more drink. It was there in how she laughed every time Kelley thrashed her in the beep test, but she still allowed the other girl to challenge her whenever she wanted. 

So, yeah, loving Kelley was easy most of the time, because the flutter that Alex felt in her chest was something that she wouldn’t trade for anything. She couldn’t let go of how she saw Kelley in light of her feelings even if it meant that she had to exist in this torturous state of friendship forever. 

Loving Kelley was what Alex was pretty sure that she was made to do. Soccer was her passion, but she didn’t even have to try to love Kelley. 

\--

Nigeria was the first game that she started in the World Cup. She felt a rush of _something_ when she saw her name on the starting list, unsure if it was pride, determination or nerves. Either way, she knew that she had to make this count. She had been out long enough to make it doubtful that her position was as secure as it had been before, so Alex didn’t just have something to prove for the US, but for herself too.

The locker room was rowdy, but the noise all seemed to fade away as Alex squeezed her eyes shut. Her breathing was shallow and her chest felt tight. She wasn’t sure why she felt like the sky was seconds from cracking and tumbling down around her ears — this was not anything new.

She had been playing competitive soccer her whole life. She should be able to do this. The injury wasn’t bothering her, and any painful twinges she felt were in her heart not her knee.

Kelley’s hand came to rest on her knee, a steady and constant weight in the chaos of Alex’s world. She resisted the urge to turn her head sharply, instead watching the other woman out of the corner of her eye. Kelley’s expression was carefully blank, entirely unreadable, and she wasn’t looking at Alex. There was some relief in that, Alex found, and she managed to bring her breathing back under control just in time for them to head out. 

As she rose, she sent a grateful look in Kelley’s direction. ‘Thank you.’ The worlds were soft, almost like an admission of something tender and shameful that she wasn’t quite okay with yet — weakness in herself was never something that Alex had been comfortable with. 

Kelley’s smile was gentle, though, and entirely genuine. Alex had stopped being surprised by the way that it made her heart skip slightly. 

‘We’ve got this, Alex.’ Kelley sounded determined, but convinced. Like she knew it. Like this was something they were fated to do, and not something that was so fragile and easily breakable. World Cup dreams were flushed away easily. 

But this was a match the USA should win comfortably, and Alex knew, distantly, that a crisis on her part wouldn’t damn the team. That just wasn’t something that she could internalise all that easily. 

‘I know.’ She breathed, allowing a small smile to make its way across her face. 

The other woman laughed. ‘I’ll get you a shutout, Captain Morgan.’ The nickname was familiar and it sent a rush through Alex that she was loathe to linger on. 

‘You’re not even starting, Kell.’ The words were so full of affection that Alex wanted to choke, praying that it wasn’t as obvious as she knew it was.

Kelley pouted. ‘I’ll still get it.’ Amusement danced in her eyes and Alex could barely tear her eyes away, rubbing at the back of her neck. Her laugh was far more gentle and soft than she meant it to be, and she hated how transparent her feelings felt. 

Alex opened the game by being called offsides on her first opportunity, and she didn’t want to label the feeling coursing through her veins as anything other than welcome frustration. At least this way, she was in the game. She was contributing. She was still Alex Morgan, soccer player, even if she felt like she was losing her grip on everything else.

JJ’s goal in the 7’, assisted by Abby, was called offsides and disallowed, and Alex had to temper the wicked satisfaction she felt in her stomach at the prospect of such an early goal. The US hadn’t had the best World Cup at this stage, and they all were painfully aware of the pressure to show up here and dominate. 

The game continued in the same manner — USA took up their position as the aggressors of the match, their attacks being relentless against the Nigerian defense. Still, over half an hour into the match, they were still scoreless, with the Nigerian keeper, Dede, blocking most of their chances. Around the 35’ there was a handball from one of the opposition, and multiple players appealed to the ref, but there came no call. Alex felt the familiar spike of anger in her gut and resisted a vicious smile. 

It felt good to care about the game again — apathy and anxiety were getting old. 

One of the Nigerian players was given a yellow card for a pretty dirty trip, and the whole US team seemed to know that this was a good opportunity — one that they had to seize if they wanted to gain a solid advantage before the end of the half. Nothing came of it though, but they were awarded with another chance when a defender brought Rapinoe down in a move deserving of a red card. A yellow was given, and Rapione lined up the kick. 

She crossed it to Abby, and Alex watched as she leapt into the air and managed to deflect the ball into the net with her foot. Relief flooded through her as cheers erupted and she collided quickly into Abby’s back, winding her arms around the other woman. 

Alex hated that it couldn’t be her, but she watched the light of elation dance in Abby’s eyes and found that it didn’t sting with the depth she thought it would. 

The end of the half was called, with the score at 1-0, and that was how the game ended 45 minutes of play later. Alex got a couple of chances, shooting some wide and getting others stopped, but she wasn’t satisfied — familiar nausea swirled in her stomach as she went another match without making the impact that she had wanted to. 

As they filed back into the locker room, taking a win that felt just slightly empty, Alex caught Kelley’s eye. 

‘I got you your shutout.’ Kelley told her, voice low as they walked. 

She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her lips. ‘I think I have Hope to thank for that more than you. You didn’t even play’ She teased slightly, watching Kelley pout.

‘You’re not wrong, Morgan.’ Hope threw over her shoulder as she passed, a gentle taunt in her voice as she looked to Kelley. The other woman huffed, pretending to be upset. 

‘I’m being bullied.’

‘Get over it, O’Hara.’

\--

Cinching a narrow win over Nigeria placed the US at the top of their group as they headed into the round of 16. They were put against Colombia, who were certainly the underdog in this match up, but they knew that they couldn’t be underestimated — Colombia had nothing to lose and would almost definitely come out as hard as they could. 

They didn’t start the game all that strong — despite being the better team objectively, the US found themselves on the defense, with the slow pace being controlled by Colombia. Lauren picked up a yellow that meant she would miss the possible next match, but they couldn’t focus on the future — they needed to cinch this win before they even thought about the next one. 

The first half ended at 0-0, and Alex was kicking herself. She should have played better, played harder, used the opportunities that she had been given in different ways so that they wouldn’t be in this position. No one else had scored either but Alex was left with the distinctly bitter feeling of letting down her team. 

‘Take a damn breath, Alex.’ Kelley joked, shoving her lightly as she came to stand next to her. ‘You’re way too in your head.’ Alex frowned, but she knew that Kelley has a point. 

She let out a sigh. ‘I guess.’

Kelley laughed, mimicking her scowl. ‘Jeez, Morgan, anyone would think you didn’t want to be here.’

That hit a bit of a nerve, but Alex played it off as well as she could, laughing along whilst doing her best to conceal her wince. Lately, she had been feeling that way, almost as much as she was desperate to be there.

Duality was a cursed thing. 

The second half seemed to start all too quickly, and Alex managed to get a breakaway before even a minute had started. She was alone, just her and the keeper it seemed. Perez, the Colombian goalkeeper, rushed out and basically took her out, felling her rather effectively. Pain erupted in her knee, but Alex fought the cry that rose in her throat. She had just gotten back, she refused to give anyone a reason to take her out of the game now. 

She pulled herself up to her feet, waving away the concern glances sent her way by Abby and Rapinoe. The pain faded with every second, and it was barely an injury. 

A red card was given, and the tension rose. This was the best chance that they had had all game, and if they could net this, then they would be one step closer to hoisting the trophy of dreams into the air. Wambach set up the penalty as the other goalkeeper, Castano came out. The main Colombian keeper had been carded out of the game, and this red card had sent away Perez, their first back up. This left Abby facing their third keeper, who was coming in entirely cold.

She had to score.

Seconds passed, each one pressing hard against Alex’s chest until she felt like she couldn’t catch her breath. She watched as Abby lined up the penalty, ran up, and struck. 

And missed. 

The ball hooked wide to the left of the goal, and the Colombian players erupted. They knew that they had been given a fucking gift with that. Abby looked devastated, but Alex was too numb to offer any words of comfort. They reset, and the game continued. 

Two minutes, Alex took a shot that hit the keeper’s arm as it went in, and for a second, Alex was terrified that it would rebound wide, or fall in front of the goalkeeper, where she could easily scoop it up and keep the score level. 

Instead, her shot hit the back of the net, the swish of the net sounding both familiar and foreign to her ears, and she felt her teammates collide into her back, wrapping sweaty arms around her as they celebrated. She felt herself smile, but it was a distant, passive thing. It was like she watching herself go through all the usual motions from outside her body. 

She wished that the feeling rushing through her veins had been pride, but she knew that it was something else entirely — hardly even satisfaction anymore. 

It was relief. 

\--

Alex knew at this point that she needed help. Being off the field felt awful but so did being on the field. She always felt like was on the brink of crumbling, and it didn’t matter how hard she worked or how she played — nothing felt good enough. 

It was getting harder and harder to keep up appearances and she knew that she slipped far too often. Tobin was visibly worried about her half the time and she was sickenly dependant on Kelley. 

‘Alex?’ Sauerbrunn knocked on the door, breaking her out of her train of thought. Broon’s voice was muffled as she stood waiting in the hallway. Alex rose with a frown — Becky and her were friendly enough but not close enough to warrant a spontaneous visit to her hotel room. 

She opened the door to reveal a friendly looking Sauerbrunn, holding two bottles of beer. ‘What’s going on?’ Alex didn’t bother masking her confusion, though she knew that it was probably rude. 

Becky just laughed though. ‘I think we need to talk.’ The words weren’t reproachful or angry, but Alex felt her heart spike with nerves regardless. She opened the door wider and allowed Sauerbrunn in, the other girl settling on Kelley’s bed, who was currently with Hope, off doing something or the other. 

‘What’s up, Broon?’

For the first time, Becky faltered slightly, and Alex got the impression that she hadn’t prepared for this part. Then, she steeled herself. ‘We have six days till the next game and no morning training. We are going to drink these, and then you’re going to tell me why you’re pulling a kicked puppy routine.’

Alex couldn’t help but blanche slightly. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she grumbled as she took a seat next to Becky, accepting the already open beer with a nod. 

‘It’s not subtle.’

She considered denying it some more, but Becky was already fixing her with an unimpressed look and she decided that it wouldn’t be worth it. Instead, Alex sighed and looked down at her hands, pretending like she was more interested in examining her own knuckles and calluses just so that she wouldn’t have to face Becky and look her in the eyes. 

‘I know.’ 

Sauerbrunn let silence hang for a bit, taking a swig of her beer, before pressing further. ‘I think I know why but I don’t want to presume.’ Alex hummed, waiting for Sauerbrunn to continue. ‘Alex, these days I’m not even sure if you like soccer.’

Hearing that sentiment come from someone else was shocking — she had barely begun to confront that herself. Alex fought the urge to catch her breath, instead keeping her face as blank as she could. 

‘How you could tell?’ The question bordered on bitter, but Becky didn’t call her out on it. 

‘I recognise the symptoms.’ Sauerbrunn laughed a little. ‘Every match you look queasy, whether you’re starting or not. When you were injured you looked like you hated every minute, but the second you were cleared, you acted like you’d rather be shot than walk on the field.’

There was some truth to that, Alex mused. She just hadn’t been aware that she had been so transparent. She took a swig of her beer, if only to delay speaking, and focused on the taste more than what she wanted to say. 

Lord knows she needed a distraction. 

She scoffed, a little bitterly, before taking a deep breath to steady herself. ‘I love what I do, and who I am. But, I don’t know, I guess I just don’t feel like anything is good enough anymore.’

Becky nodded. ‘I get that. I used to feel that way a lot.’ Alex turned her head sharply, and Sauerbrunn chuckled at the look she must have had on her face. ‘I’m a defender, Baby Horse, it’s easy for people to blame us for every lost game. Eventually, I started doing the same.’ 

The other woman shrugged as she spoke, as if this wasn’t a big deal. Alex felt like her mouth was hanging open so wide that she looked like a cartoon. 

‘It was a bad time, Alex.’ Becky sighed, and Alex watched a shadow cross her face as she frowned. ‘I wasn’t happy with myself or anyone else and it was only toxic. It didn’t help me improve, no matter how much you think it might. It’s just unhealthy.’

Alex felt like she had been slapped round the face. It hadn’t occurred to her, in all her self-pitying wallowing, that she could actually get someone to help her out with this, but if Sauerbrunn was alright now, then maybe there was a way.

‘How did you get out of that mindset, then?’

Sauerbrunn shrugged. ‘I don’t think that you ever entirely can.’ Her smile was apologetic, almost like she knew exactly what Alex had been thinking. ‘There’s not an easy or definitive answer. It’s a process and it starts with being honest about what you’re feeling.’

Rather than answer, Alex drank some of her beer, smiling slightly when Becky fixed her with an accusatory look. 

‘I don’t know, Becky.’ She sighed eventually, picking at the label on her beer bottle so that she could occupy her hands. ‘My whole life I’ve worked to be the best at everything I’ve done. I’ve never been satisfied. But now, I’m not even happy when I do what I love, what I _am_ best at.’

Sauerbrunn looked sympathetic, but Alex fought a shudder at the idea of her pitying her. These days all Alex did was pity herself, and she didn’t need someone else doing it too. 

‘You know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it, Alex, but it needs to come from you.’ Becky advised, and Alex wanted to scowl at that. ‘For what it’s worth, there’s more to you than just playing soccer, and there’s more to you than being the best at anything.’

Becky’s words hit her hard, and she fought the emotion rising in her throat. She smiled, a little waterily, and nodded her thanks. Sauerbrunn didn’t push it, bless her, just nodding in return before rising and making her way to the door. 

‘My door is always open, Al.’ Were her parting words, thrown over her shoulder but no less genuine for the way that they were delivered. Alex smiled and watched her leave, hearing the door click behind her. She was thankful for the solitude as she finished her beer, lost in her own thoughts. 

Maybe Becky had a point. 

\--

That didn’t mean that Alex did anything about it.

\--

It was only before their game against China that Alex finally decided to follow Servando’s advice from back in February. 

Looking up at the dark ceiling of their hotel room, she tried to keep the memory of his voice in her head as comfort as she spoke. ‘Hey, Kelley?’

The answer hum was laced with weariness and Alex could tell that the other woman was close to passing out. Still, the lump in the other bed rolled over and turned to face Alex, though she could barely make out the features of Kelley’s face in the gloom. 

‘What’s up, Al?’

She didn’t know why she felt so nervous — Kelley was gay, its not like she was going to react badly to Alex telling her that she was bi. Maybe it was because this felt like so much more of a message that Kelley was someone that Alex wanted. 

More than that, though, Alex wanted to live openly. She wasn’t hiding and she hadn’t been, but she was sick of assumptions and she had an opportunity to fix that. 

‘I’m bi.’ The words were softer than she meant them to be, lost slightly in the gloom of the room. She watched Kelley stiffen slightly under the covers, a strange expression crossing her face before she replied. 

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

Her reply felt lackluster, but Alex didn’t know what else to say. This wasn’t her trying to get Kelley to see her as someone she could be with, this was something more. Something that mattered way more to Alex than that. She wanted to be honest with her best friend, even if she had never lied. 

‘I’ve basically always known. I never hid it but I’ve never really come out before. Not even to my family — they just accepted it and never asked.’ Alex rushed out aware that she was rambling. ‘But, yeah, I’m bi.’

Kelley finally sat up, the soft moonlight highlighting her face in the darkness. Alex felt her breath catch in her throat as she looked at her, messy-haired and bare-faced — Alex had never seen anything more beautiful. 

‘I’m proud of you, Al.’ Kelley’s words exuded emotion, and Alex almost choked on all the words that she longed to say. ‘Am I the first person you’ve ever told?’

‘Yeah.’

Kelley didn’t say anything for a moment, but Alex watched in the dim moonlight as a smile spread across her lips, small and secret in a way that told Alex she wasn’t supposed to have seen it. Alex couldn’t help the smile that cut its way across her own face. 

‘Thank you, Alex.’ 

She was pretty sure she had never heard such sincerity from anyone, and Alex had to fight around the lump in her throat. Kelley wasn’t finished though.

‘Do you think Servando will be okay with it?’

Suddenly, Alex crashed back to earth with the reminder of her whole fucking charade. She fought a scowl. ‘Yeah, he’ll be chill with it. I think he already knows, but I haven’t explicitly told him.’

Kelley nodded, like she understood, and Alex wanted to scream out bitterly that Kelley had no fucking idead. 

‘He’s a good dude, yeah?’

Alex pretended that it was appreciation of Servando and not of Kelley’s concern for her when she smiled and said, ‘Yeah, the best.’

‘Are you planning on telling the rest of the team? You obviously don’t have to, but I just want to get a sense of what I should or shouldn’t do.’

Alex heart swelled about ten sizes at the obvious concern in Kelley’s voice — she felt like the fucking Grinch. 

‘Probably.’ Alex said. She had actually thought this out — this was something that she wanted to do. Something for herself and not for any sort of team or agenda. Something to make herself happy.

Alex wasn’t sure when she last did something just because she wanted to.

‘I’m planning to come out publicly. Low key, of course, but I want to control the narrative about me for once.’

Kelley nodded. She herself hadn’t come out publicly, but most of the team knew — Kelley had never really bothered hiding it. She always said that Alex had made it so easy for her to tell other people. 

Alex always had to try and suppress a grin at that. 

She always failed. 

‘Seriously, Al.’ Kelley said, when silence had settled for a bit and Alex was beginning to think that the other woman had finally succumbed to slumber. ‘I’m so proud of you. For so many reasons.’

Alex thought that she heard a raw edge to Kelley’s voice that she wanted to question, but decided not to. It was likely just in her imagination. 

She smiled softly into the darkness. ‘Thank you, Kell.’

For once, when she went to sleep, it wasn’t after tossing and turning for hours, looking at the ceiling and dwelling on her loneliness and unhappiness. For once, sleep came easy and steady. 

For once, she believed that she might be okay. 

\--

China was Kelley’s first start of the tournament. Still, she seemed to handle it a lot better than Alex had, only showing the slightest of nerves with the shaking of her leg. 

Alex sent her the warmest smile she could muster, all the words that she wanted to say stuck in her throat, so she could only hope that Kelley got the message. Judging from the way that Kelley’s shoulders relaxed slightly and her features softened, she thought it might have worked. 

‘Get me that shutout, O’Hara.’ She murmured as they walked out of the tunnel. Alex was pretty sure that Kelley’s sharp laugh was the best thing that she had ever heard, cheers of the crowd be damned. 

‘Isn’t that Hope’s job?’ Kelley teased, recalling their last conversation about this. 

Alex shrugged. ‘Maybe, but Hope wouldn’t be doing it for me. Last time you told me you’d do it for me, and this is your chance.’

As soon as she said the words, she regretted it, but Kelley didn’t say anything. Instead, her cheeks flushed red slightly, and she didn’t meet Alex’s eyes. She instantly cursed herself for saying such a stupid thing — why couldn’t she ever think before she spoke. 

Before she could linger on the awkwardness, they were ushered onto the pitch, and the whistle was being blown. It was Carli’s 200th cap, the older woman captain for the match.

A-Rod got a solid chance barely a minute into the match, but it sailed wide, and Alex couldn’t help but bemoan the loss of such an opportunity. The US dominated as the game began. Alex got a good opportunity but her shot was shut down. She vaguely heard A-Rod yell something in reassurance at her as they jogged back, but she honestly wasn’t listening. 

It was time to focus. 

As the half progressed, all of the team got valuable chances, but they never turned into anything. Kelley popped off some truly beautiful crosses, and even got on the end of some of the others’, but the score remained even. The US defense didn’t falter though and stayed strong against the Chinese attackers. Alex managed to try a shot just before the end of the half, but it was blocked solidly by the keeper to keep the game scoreless. 

Wambach stood in the middle of the huddle as they prepared for the second half. ‘You guys, we have to step this up. This is our chance, this is our ticket. If we want to win, we have to do it here if we’re ever going to. We can beat them, we just need to focus.’

Frustration bled into her voice, and Alex couldn’t blame her. They hadn’t had the best tournament, and it was infuriating to feel an opportunity slip away. Kelley beside her nodded along, sweat still beading along her brow. Alex found herself pulling Kelley closer, an arm around her shoulders, not caring about how sweaty they both were. There was a comfort in the way that Kelley slotted into her side, as if it was perfectly natural and easy. As if they were puzzle pieces that were made to slot into each other just so.

There wasn’t time for Alex to dwell on such things though as the second half commenced and she had to snap out of it and focus on the task at hand. The US finally broke through when JJ sent a long ball in and Carli managed to net it with a header. Alex felt her stomach turn over — from excitement or devastation, she wasn’t sure. 

Kelley got clattered near the 55th minute, and was subbed out for Christen at the 60’. Alex watched her walk off and couldn’t help but feel like part of heart was following her off, the other woman looking angry with herself for some reason — Kelley had played magnificently. 

‘Let’s fucking go!’ She heard Carli yell, and snapped back to the game. She couldn’t keep losing focus like this. She had a job to do. Alex got a few more opportunities, but couldn’t net anything. 

She was subbed off at the 81’, and shoved down the frustration and anger welling in her throat as she high-fived HAO. She sat next to Kelley on the bench, the other girl leaning in easily to Alex, resting against her shoulder. 

She breathed in the familiar scent of sweat, steadying herself slightly. Kelley spoke lowly to her. ‘Looks like we’re going to get that shutout.’ 

Alex wanted to laugh despite herself, letting out a tired kind of snort. She wrapped the bottom of the back of Kelley’s jersey in her hand, clinging onto the sweat-soaked material as something to ground herself with. 

‘Just for me?’ Her voice was rough even to her own ears, but Kelley just nodded her assent. 

‘Just for you, Al.’ Kelley sounded kind of contemplative as she spoke, and Alex intertwined her ankle with the other woman’s, smiling as Kelley inched ever closer to her. 

Her words were low, lost in the noise of the game to everyone but Kelley.

‘I’m honoured. Sorry I couldn’t get you a goal.’

Kelley chuckled lightly. ‘Next match.’ She reassured her, and Alex couldn’t help her gentle smile. There was going to be another match, despite Alex not scoring, and letting down her team. 

They weren’t dead yet. 

‘Next match.’ Alex agreed, nodding. She wasn’t sure if this was a joke anymore, or some sort of promise, but either way, Alex intended to make good on her words. Kelley had got her the shutout she had wanted, and now it was Alex’s turn. 

\--

Their match up against Germany was certainly their biggest test of the tournament thus far. They all knew that they hadn’t been playing well enough — that was plain to see in the stats and in their games. Jill had been clear about how she felt about this, but also about the faith that she still had in the team. 

They knew that this was do or die — into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell, if one was feeling dramatic. 

Alex popped off a good shot about 16 minutes, one on one with Angerer, who pulled off an admittedly brilliant save. Rapinoe patted her on the back, nothing but encouragement in her words. ‘We’ve got this, Morgan, just keep pushing.’ 

She tried to find comfort in the fact that Rapinoe sounded confident, because Alex was pretty sure that she was running on pure anxiety at this point. 

The game continued, a bitter battle that yielded no goals for either team. The match was mainly played in Germany’s half, with some dirty hits leaving the US slightly worse for wear. Morgan looked like she was near vomiting, though she had been cleared for a concussion after being taken down by Popp, who had also felled Rapinoe late in the half. Maier, who already had a yellow, elbowed Rapinoe as the half entered its twilight stages, and Alex fought the urge to curse out the ref. 

How the fuck were they supposed to win when half of their players were going to be leaving the field in body casts?

Germany had held strong, withstanding a half where the US had been the main attacking force. Alex bitterly wondered if they had to win every game late in the match, or if they could fucking score early for once. 

She wasn’t good enough — a shot late in the half had trickled well wide, and she was still beating herself up for it. Tobin laid a hand on her shoulder, shaking her head as she did so. 

‘That shot was unlucky, Al. Let it go, though.’ It was like she was psychic.

Alex nodded, even though she knew that was literally the opposite of what she was doing, and proceeded to dwell until the second half was called, a scowl on her face. Kelley nudged her, shaking her head, but Alex just frowned harder. They needed to get ahead in this game, and Alex couldn’t help but blame herself and see her missed opportunities as the reason that they weren’t. 

Sauerbrunn sent her a look as they took their positions, almost like she could read her mind. She sent a thumbs up Alex’s way, and a beaming grin that seemed to say that she had faith in her. Alex tried for a smile that she knew looked more like a grimace, but nodded anyway. 

The second half started roughly — the dominance that they had managed in the first half all but disappeared as Germany found the space and opportunity to press forward with their attackers. 

The ref called a penalty in favour of Germany when JJ pulled a player down in the box and Alex felt her heart sink in her chest. There was no way that a forward like Sasic was going to miss this golden chance. It was almost like she could feel their collective World Cup dreams slipping from their fingers. Losing here would be even worse than last time. 

Hope took her time though, apparently the picture of calm as she took a drink and talked to the ref. She danced about on the line, trying to mess with Sasic’s head. Alex could barely watch as the German player lined up to take the kick.

Sasic hits it wide. 

Well wide. 

Alex isn’t sure if it’s relief or exhaustion flooding through her veins as the game continues, but either way she relishes it with a bite. They’re still fucking in it. 

Then it’s their turn to be awarded a penalty, with Alex being blocked in the box by Krahn, though it was on the edge. Carli was the one who steps up to take it, and Alex watched with bated breath. 

Lloyd netted it and Alex felt like she was flying. The whole team crashed into Carli, but then the game was up and running again before they really had the time to process the fact that they were winning. They’re fucking winning. 

Kelley came on for Tobin in the 75’, and Alex is reminded of her half-promise a couple of days ago to net one for Kelley. She was suddenly filled with a fiercer fire than she’d ever expected, steeling her nerves and steadying herself as they entered the last part of the game. Germany were a team with 20 goals in the tournament — the USA would be idiotic to consider the game cinched now. 

Not even ten minutes after stepping onto the field, Kelley jabbed in the ball off a cross from Carli. The stadium practically erupts as Kelley celebrates, and Alex ran at Kelley with speed that she didn’t think she still had in her legs. She flung herself onto Kelley’s back, laughing in the other woman’s ear as the rest of the team crushed around them. This had to be it now. 

‘I thought you were supposed to leave the goalscoring to me?’ Alex yelled over the din to Kelley, just to watch the other girl smile and laugh, throwing her head back. 

‘Apologies, next time I won’t score, then.’ Kelley grinned, shoving Alex as they ran back down the pitch. 

Alex couldn’t hold back her own grin. 

She was taken off for Syd barely a minute before the end of stoppage time, but she finds that she doesn’t care. They’re going to the final and Alex may be bitter that she hadn’t scored, but she couldn't find the strength to dwell on it for too long, too elated at the prospect of lifting that coveted trophy. 

One more match. 

All they had to do was win one more match. 

\--

The evening before the final, Alex couldn’t help but feel like she was going to throw up. Kelley didn’t seem worried about the match in the slightest, whilst Alex was a bundle of pure anxiety. 

It didn’t take long for Kelley to snap. 

‘Come on, Al.’

Alex looked up from her phone in confusion. ‘Huh?’

‘You’re tapping your foot relentlessly. You’re obviously nervous and you can’t sit still. So we’re going on a walk, for both our sakes.’ Kelley seemed exasperated, but only jokingly so. 

Alex shrugged, sliding her phone into her pocket as she got up. She allowed Kelley to lead her out of the door, trying not to focus too much on the feeling of her fingers intertwining with Alex’s own as she dragged her to the staircase.

‘Where are we going?’ Alex frowned — there didn’t appear to be any reason for them to take the stairs rather than the elevator, but Kelley hadn’t even hesitated. 

‘The roof.’ Kelley answered, taking the stairs two at a time and leaving Alex with no choice but to follow her up. When they reached the top, Kelley managed to shove open the heavy door labelled “roof access”, and led Alex out into the cold Canada air. 

The sun had long since set, and the stars twinkled in the sky, tiny specks of brightness against the velvety black of the night. Alex finally felt like she could breath up there, looking at the city from so high. Everything seemed so peaceful but so distant, and Alex tried not to draw too many comparisons between how removed she felt up here and how she had been feeling lately all the time. 

‘We’re so close, Al.’ Kelley suddenly spoke, leaning against the railings next to her. Her eyes weren’t on Alex, instead fixed on the city below, and the words shook with some kind of emotion. ‘We’re so close to winning and I don’t think I can bear losing.’

Memories of 2011 came rushing back, and Alex stomped them down before she could dwell. Tomorrow would essentially be a rematch four years in the making and the very idea of how close they were to cinching the tournament made Alex feel sick to the stomach. 

She sighed a little. ‘I know we can do it.’ The words were spoken with confidence that she hadn’t felt in a long time. 

Kelley nodded next to her, finally turning to look at Alex. ‘But do you think that we will.’

Alex didn’t have anything to say to that, helpless and speechless. So, the two of them stayed there, breathing in the night air in idyllic peace whilst they tried to forget about everything that tomorrow held. 

It wasn’t long until Alex caught sight of Kelley shivering, and she immediately brought their midnight adventures to an end. ‘Come on, let’s go in.’

Kelley put up a half-hearted protest, but was corralled back inside with relative ease. They laughed as they sneaked back through the hallways, conscious to avoid their teammates and the coaching staff, who would undoubtedly disapprove of them being up and around this late. 

Once they got back to their room, Alex couldn’t deny that at least some of her nerves had been dispelled — if nothing else, some of her restless energy had been burned off. 

She thought she would sleep relatively easy that night, only spending a small amount of time thinking about the upcoming final. There was a weight in her chest where her heart should have been and Alex didn’t feel good about this. It wasn’t a sense of dread, it just wasn’t excitement. 

This was the ultimate achievement in the sport, and Alex found that she didn't want to be a part of it.

Sleep seemed a lot more elusive after that

\--

The game could best be described as a blur. From the first whistle, they were pushing against the Japanese defense, hungry for the win in a way that they had never been before. This was a rematch and there was so much more on the line for them this time around. 

Carli scored in the 3rd minute off of their first corner and Alex thought that she could kiss the older woman as she watched it fly into the top corner. Two minutes later, Lauren played a free kick to JJ, who flicked it into the box, the ball rebounding against a Japanese defender. Carli pounced, burying the ball in the back of the net, giving the USA a 2-0 lead five minutes into the game. 

Lauren volleyed another in at the 14’ mark and Alex finally felt like she could believe that they were going to win. That was only solidified when Carli scored one from the USA’s own half, the Japanese goalkeeper way outside of the goal and unable to shut Lloyd’s long shot down as she scrambled back. 

‘Holy fucking shit!’ She heard Cheney yell as they all piled around Carli, patting her on the back. A hat trick at this point in the game, leaving the USA 4-0 up, was certainly an improvement on their performance throughout the rest of the tournament. 

Alex got a chance of her own, nailing a low shot that the Japanese keeper managed to save. But they were barely 25 minutes in and there was time for the Japanese to stage a comeback. Alex wasn’t going to get lazy and allow this to lull her into a false sense of security. 

Besides, she was just as hungry for a goal as everyone else. 

Japan netted their own goal, a shot that even Hope couldn’t save, leaving the score at 4-1. Carli and Lauren had certainly gifted them with a good buffer, but Alex was loathe to allow the Japanese even an inch. They had a score to settle from four years ago and they would battle this out as hard as they had to.

The Japanese managed to make it 4-2 in the 52’, with their free kick deflecting in off of JJ, something that simply couldn’t have been prevented. Alex sent an encouraging smile JJ’s way, who looked like she was about to break down. Before play could resume, she grabbed the younger player by the wrists. 

‘Hey.’ Her voice was low, but firm. JJ’s eyes were full of panic, and Alex was far too familiar with that feeling. ‘You’re okay. It’s okay. It was a mistake, it happens to everyone.’

JJ nodded numbly. 

‘We’re still in this, J.’ Alex reminded her quietly, loosening her grip as Julie seemed to come back to herself. ‘But we need you to have your head in the game and stay focused. You wouldn’t be here if we didn’t think that you could do it.’

Julie nodded again, firmer this time and the old fire had been ignited in her eyes — this was the Johnston that they knew and loved. Alex clapped her on the shoulder before running back up the field, refocusing on the game. 

True to her words, the USA instantly proved that they weren’t going down anytime soon. Straight after conceding, Brian managed to pop the ball to Tobin from the post, who buried in it the back of the net, making it 5 goals for the US. The stadium erupted with cheers as they all crowded around Tobin, and Alex’s heart felt light in her chest for the first time in months. 

All she needed to do now was net one of her own. She caught Kelley’s eye from the bench, the joy visible on her face even from the field. Alex wanted to score one for Kelley. She had to. 

Kelley herself came on for Rapinoe around the 60th minute, strengthening the defense as they tried to close out the game. The USA got a couple more chances as the game limped on, none of them decisive or resulting in any more goals. 

Alex wasn’t going to lie and deny that frustration was welling in her throat, but they were three goals up and she tried desperately to remind herself that not scoring didn’t mean failure. Even if scoring was literally supposed to be her job. 

The Japanese tried to score off of a couple of chances, but their defense held solid as normal. That was only augmented by the addition of Rampone, brought on for Alex, who took her seat on her the bench with as much grace as she could muster and a poorly hidden scowl. 

She wasn’t sure why winning felt like failure when she didn’t deem her performance worthy of her teammates’ win. 

As the clock ticked down, only a minute of stoppage time left, the whole bench and coaching staff got their feet, waiting anxiously for the three blows of the whistle that would signify their win. Alex had never wanted to hear the sound of a ref’s whistle so badly in her life. 

She watched as her teammates battled down to the very last second, not giving the Japanese players an inch even as winning or drawing became impossible for them. Alex felt something akin to pride erupt in her chest, and for once didn’t feel bitter for not having been good enough. 

This was enough, she thought. 

Even if she was dead weight, and everything she knew was slipping away in the sense that she didn’t have Kelley in the way she wanted and she wasn’t scoring the goals that she wanted, Alex thought that she could live with this — surrounded by her best friends and able to kid herself that the achievements she had dreamed of since she was a toddler felt just as sweet as she had always imagined. 

The whistle blew as JJ booted it out of the box and the stadium erupted  
Alex distantly recognised the sound of cheering and screaming and yelling from all around her but she felt like she was in a bubble of disbelief. 

They had actually fucking done it. 

They had won the World Cup. The World Cup straight after the Olympics.

Those players who had been on the bench, including herself, rushed on to the field, tears streaming down their face as the reality of winning settled into their minds.

Before she could shake herself awake, Kelley was on her back, having flung herself at Alex after sprinting from across the field. Alex stumbled slightly from the sudden weight but laughed, her voice choked slightly. 

The rest of the team crowded around as well, all of them falling into a massive pile, and Alex felt joy shoot through her veins. Tobin was screaming expletives in her ear, Abby’s laugh was deafening, and Alex felt like she was flying. 

‘Holy shit.’ She breathed out, still crushed by the weight of the rest of the team, and still trying to process what the fuck was going on. 

Her heart stopped, though, when she felt Kelley press her lips to her neck, a flippant move driven by pure adrenaline and excitement on the part of Kelley. 

Alex, however, practically felt her soul leave her body and ascend to a higher plane. Lightning shot through her body, and she felt her muscles freeze up. Forcing a laugh, she tried to calm down her racing heart. 

They were just friends. Nothing more. 

Kelley was her fucking friend. 

She repeated the words to herself for as long as it took to drum them into her head and get over this. 

Eventually, she lost count and stopped, feelings not even slightly dissipating as she felt that same old ache in her chest to etch every ounce of her love into Kelley’s skin, the need to trail kisses over freckles and scars until each one blurred together.

\--

They returned to the locker room to celebrate, champagne being sprayed everywhere, and a ridiculous amount of other alcohol being consumed. Moe had found a fucking fruit pot from somewhere, and loud music was blasting as they went wild with elation and joy.

Alex knew that she should feel like she was on top of the world, and in some regards she did, but there was this preoccupation in her mind that didn’t let her celebrate like the others — she couldn’t get the feeling of Kelley’s lips against her neck.

She truly was the epitome of pathetic — pining after her best friend when she should objectively be the happiest that she had ever been. They had just beaten Japan and proved themselves in the wake of the 2011 World Cup. They were champions. 

She hated that she felt like this. She hated that she was so helpless, falling victim to the whims of her own heart no matter what she tried.

‘What’s up, Morgan?’ Kelley herself appeared at her elbow, almost sending Alex into cardiac arrest, but she just shrugged at the other girl.

‘Nothing. Just in shock, I guess.’ Alex tried to play it off, and judging from the deep laughter Kelley responded with, it worked. 

The other girl nodded sagely, and Alex could tell that she was bordering on drunk now. ‘Yeah, that makes sense. You were so amazing though.’

‘Nah, Carli’s the one who scored the hatrick. That was insane — the first woman to score a hatrick in the final, and the fastest one in a final too.’ Alex’s words were more bitter than she intended and she winced. 

Kelley frowned. ‘Yeah, but you did incredible too, Alex. You’re, like, crazy good.’

Alex wished that she could believe that, but she still flushed scarlet for some reason, deciding to blame it on the alcohol even though Alex knew that she had barely drank a drop. ‘Uh, thanks Kell. But you’re the better one. I mean, I could never switch positions like you. Sometimes I think about how much work you had to put into all that back in 2012, and it just, I can’t even comprehend.’

Alex trailed off slightly in end, painfully aware of how awestruck she sounded, and hoped that Kelley was too drunk to pick up on the undertones that she had failed to conceal. 

Kelley was fixing her with a strange look, though, one that made her stomach swoop and nerves erupt in her chest. Maybe she hadn’t been as lucky this time with passing her feelings off as merely those of friendship as she had in the past. 

Just as she was opening her mouth to apologise, or change the subject, or anything, Kelley grabbed her elbow, surged up on her tip-toes, and pressed an insistent kind of kiss right on Alex’s lips. 

Her other hand found its way to Alex’s jaw, and for a second all Alex could see was white. This had to be a dream. There was no way that this was happening. Still, almost automatically, with a contented sigh that she knew betrayed how long she had been waiting for this, Alex returned the kiss with the same urgency that Kelley appeared to feel. 

They existed in their own little bubble, despite the noise and rowdiness of the locker room. Alex felt her world slow down, and the kiss seemed to last for an eternity, her hands tangled in Kelley’s still sweaty hair, her skin sticky with champagne. Even if the kiss truly had lasted as long as it seemed, it still wouldn’t be enough for Alex, and she found herself addicted to the taste of Kelley more than the taste of alcohol against her lips. 

She pushed insistently against Kelley, wanting more, needing more. Alex couldn’t bear to pull away and found her hand on the back of the other woman’s neck pulling Kelley ever closer to her. Distantly, she was aware that she needed to breath, but she was pretty sure that she would rather suffocate that pull away now. 

All too soon, Kelley broke away, a dazed look in her eyes, and she patted Alex on the cheek in a satisfied manner. She turned away from Alex, almost distractedly, leaving her confused and blown away by what had just happened. 

There was no way that Alex was ever going to be able to get that out of her head now. 

The rest of the team hadn’t noticed them, and neither did they notice when Alex slipped out of the locker room, overwhelmed by the heat of the room and the feeling of Kelley’s lips against hers running through her head like a highlight reel on a loop. 

She spent the rest of the evening outside the stadium, the crowds lingering in places but not noticing her, cheeks flushed even in the cool evening Vancouver air, the taste of Kelley’s lips still lingering. 

Fuck.


End file.
